Well, yeah.

I think I'm stuck.

I'm not sure where.

I don't know if I can blame these raging ups and downs on menstrual discourse or the early symptoms of manic depression, but they have to be due to something. They have to be. I can't be feeling this emotionally muddied for no reason at all; that'd be more depressing than the actual disease.

I can say all I want that the root is that I've been unable to write, but that can't just be it. There has to be something. I just don't know what, because I'm too scared to dig beyond the surface for evidence of what it is, or I'm too scared to dig and find nothing at all.

Relishing in the fact that I'm graduating has lost it's appeal. Now I just feel like I'm hitting this huge, invisible, human-height wall covered in whitewash.

I feel like I'm losing who I am.

Ugh, I sound fucking depressing, and I don't know why, and I hate it, and I hate this, and I hate not being able to sleep it off, or shovel it into a pile somewhere I'll forget. No, instead I'm stuck here, staring at this immovable, vibrating, painful ebbing of whatever it is that's tying me down.

I hate this.

If someone has an answer for why I'm depressed, I'd love it.

Because I'm losing grasp on what I thought it was.

sometimes i just wish i wasn't an idiot.

that'd be nice.

er?

i haven't written in here in months.

aloha!

clarification, maybe?

i could use some.

well, not really. what i want is to know, for certain, how you feel.

that's all.

it's just that.

feeling. notion. existence of something that is no longer nothing but isn't quite around yet. something that i can taste, smell; something that tickles my skin and makes it incredibly difficult for me to not feel electrified by everything around me and yet at the same time, puts me in a cage and prevents from tapping into something extremely fantastic and wild.

that's what i want again.

how do i say that?

today sucked.

that's all.

i feel like i'm being attacked by a bug.

well, presently anyway. i have my hair up in a messy bun and the tendrils are freaking me out. i think it has something to do with the fact that i'm pretty certain a creepy-crawly-with-wings followed me in through the front door. so now i have that itching over my skin as if imaginary ticks are crawling and gnawing on me. of course to my knowledge they're not and i'm just being obnoxious, but what else is new?

so, a better look at what took place in texas.

gah holy crap my tooth hurts so bad right now owowowowowow.

okay. better. stuck my head between my knees, took deep breaths, took some advil. better. yes, much.

so anyway. texas... well, here's the really important things:

my titi lisa is amazing. she's a total sweetheart, a lot of fun to spend time with and i love her smile. i know that sounds sort of cheesy, but whenever she smiles it's just so genuine i can't help but adore it. and making her laugh always made me feel nice. it was interesting spending time with a woman who, until last year, i'd never even known existed. yet her home is now a second home to me. i love it.

my tio tito is fabulous. he's so fun. he just makes me laugh and yet he's like one of those people who i know if i ever needed someone other than my dad to go running to, it'd be him. he's such a fun person to be around and he made my stay there great. we had some laughs and he's incredibly smart.

liz is a nutjob. really, there's not much else to say.

ben is a sweetheart. he seems a little insecure, and he's incredibly quiet, but he got more comfortable around us as the days went by.

we did a lot of shopping, snagged people some great gifts and i'm glad to be home. all i can really sum up anymore is that it was a blast.

because now i just want to rest and not think.