I'm not sure where.
I don't know if I can blame these raging ups and downs on menstrual discourse or the early symptoms of manic depression, but they have to be due to something. They have to be. I can't be feeling this emotionally muddied for no reason at all; that'd be more depressing than the actual disease.
I can say all I want that the root is that I've been unable to write, but that can't just be it. There has to be something. I just don't know what, because I'm too scared to dig beyond the surface for evidence of what it is, or I'm too scared to dig and find nothing at all.
Relishing in the fact that I'm graduating has lost it's appeal. Now I just feel like I'm hitting this huge, invisible, human-height wall covered in whitewash.
I feel like I'm losing who I am.
Ugh, I sound fucking depressing, and I don't know why, and I hate it, and I hate this, and I hate not being able to sleep it off, or shovel it into a pile somewhere I'll forget. No, instead I'm stuck here, staring at this immovable, vibrating, painful ebbing of whatever it is that's tying me down.
I hate this.
If someone has an answer for why I'm depressed, I'd love it.
Because I'm losing grasp on what I thought it was.
