clarification, maybe?

i could use some.

well, not really. what i want is to know, for certain, how you feel.

that's all.

it's just that.

feeling. notion. existence of something that is no longer nothing but isn't quite around yet. something that i can taste, smell; something that tickles my skin and makes it incredibly difficult for me to not feel electrified by everything around me and yet at the same time, puts me in a cage and prevents from tapping into something extremely fantastic and wild.

that's what i want again.

how do i say that?

today sucked.

that's all.

i feel like i'm being attacked by a bug.

well, presently anyway. i have my hair up in a messy bun and the tendrils are freaking me out. i think it has something to do with the fact that i'm pretty certain a creepy-crawly-with-wings followed me in through the front door. so now i have that itching over my skin as if imaginary ticks are crawling and gnawing on me. of course to my knowledge they're not and i'm just being obnoxious, but what else is new?

so, a better look at what took place in texas.

gah holy crap my tooth hurts so bad right now owowowowowow.

okay. better. stuck my head between my knees, took deep breaths, took some advil. better. yes, much.

so anyway. texas... well, here's the really important things:

my titi lisa is amazing. she's a total sweetheart, a lot of fun to spend time with and i love her smile. i know that sounds sort of cheesy, but whenever she smiles it's just so genuine i can't help but adore it. and making her laugh always made me feel nice. it was interesting spending time with a woman who, until last year, i'd never even known existed. yet her home is now a second home to me. i love it.

my tio tito is fabulous. he's so fun. he just makes me laugh and yet he's like one of those people who i know if i ever needed someone other than my dad to go running to, it'd be him. he's such a fun person to be around and he made my stay there great. we had some laughs and he's incredibly smart.

liz is a nutjob. really, there's not much else to say.

ben is a sweetheart. he seems a little insecure, and he's incredibly quiet, but he got more comfortable around us as the days went by.

we did a lot of shopping, snagged people some great gifts and i'm glad to be home. all i can really sum up anymore is that it was a blast.

because now i just want to rest and not think.

so i'm back.

back again. yes i'm back. tell a friend. (except not really, that'd be strange.)

so i've just returned from texas. by just i mean, yesterday, but i was busy seeing people so the internet was still far from my mind. however i did want to do the obligatory blog-update about my oh so interesting life while i was away. let's run through things, shall we?

we left early on thursday morning. i had decided that spending the entire night before up with james was a much better spending of my time then doing work or sleeping, so that's just what i did. we stayed up, read together, watched some awesome wesleyan poets on youtube and watched man v. food on food network until i eventually passed out for two hours prior to being shipped off. got up to my mom nudging me, dressed really quickly and reapplied my make-up, and the journey began without a hitch. we got there in record time, about six am. checked in and went to our terminal and then got some au bon pain for breakfast. hung out a bit, talked some, and then boarded.

smallest. flight. ever. literally, on the left hand side of the plane the row was only one seat. the right side had two seats. the seats themselves gave me more back problems then heavy lifting at work. fun. fun fun fun i tell ya. i passed out for the majority of the flight, with my head on my mom's lap. comfortable.

we got to north carolina, which was nice and sunny, drank some coffee, read our individual books, and then boarded for another two hours to get to dallas. the flight was more fun this time. the girl next to me liked mob wives, so we chatted about it. and mom and i watched some nbc 30 rock shenanigans on the little tv they had. what's all the hype about that show? it's only so good.

got to dallas. got our bags. titi lisa picked us up and we immediately headed out to go shopping. this great place called sam moon's. it's like a wholesale place for bags and wallets, and a lot of pretty jewelry. i got a few peoples gifts from there (okay, most...) and i'm certain they'll love it.

so then we headed to... food? i can't remember now. i know we did more shopping. but i was incredibly hungry. i think something happened in between but god knows what. we wound up at chik-fil-a which i'd never had before. it was yummy. then we headed to the house, where i briefly met elizabeth, my cousin, who is such an adorable little nutjob. i think ben was there, too, and he's just as cute. she's fifteen, he's sixteen. they're pretty fun.

oh gosh, i'm getting tired. i need to shower and go about my business. when i get home tonight, i'll fully update. important things: i got all my grades, i finished sabriel and am now reading the passage and mmm joe's crab shack is good.

lata gata.

and just like that.

thank you, to jess for baring with me, to james for... jesus, being james and just somehow always making my life better, mike for unknowingly being adorable on tumblr, veronica for being so sweet, strudel for always being one of the best people ever, and mark for sending me a novel to wake up to that both made me smile and evaluate my life simultaneously.

to say i'm feeling better is an understatement. i'm much more upbeat, despite the fact that i smelt like sewage upon arriving home due to the obnoxious place of work i attend regularly. my hair is wet and i hate when i sleep with my hair wet, but hey. it's simply what happens when you have to stick your arm down the drain at work as it clogs up and makes water ripple all over the floor.

in some ways this was a good thing, because it made me take longer cleaning up and not have to do more book floor work. i hate this place, but love it so much. my head is killing me. i'm so tired. but i really want to watch mob wives, read and curl up with someone but my book is downstairs, i'm alone in this bed and mob wives isn't on demand.

so i fail. at... life, temporarily. but tomorrow promises to be amazing. as does tuesday.

wednesday isn't spoken for. yet. i suppose we'll see. if anyone wants to do something, please to be letting me know? (:

<3

it's funny.

whenever i get this feeling, something happens. i don't know what. but almost always something changes. who i'm talking to, what i'm saying; i'm back to being guarded. like a shell. part of me doesn't want to talk to anyone actually. i want everyone to disappear so i can just do the few important things: go to work, spend time with my family. everyone and everything can leave me alone.

i'm sure i'll look back at see that this won't have actually happened, but right now is a life as a salesman moments. attention must be paid or in my case, not paid. i want it all to just turn to mist and dissipate. it's days like these when all i long to do is run away. i wish i could run away, change my name and start all over. and as horrible as it sounds, if i had the money, i probably would've done this years ago.

how sad is that?

i want to be something i'm not. and i don't want to feel like someone who needs to be talked about, or who bothers people. i don't mean to be. i have a hard time letting myself be happy and keeping everyone else happy and being around. so right now, no. i don't want to be around. at first i was sad the semester was over, and that half of the people left to their respective states.

now i'm happy. really happy. because now i can just sit here and wallow and be alone and not have to worry about class or seeing people breaking it up and making it difficult for me to remain as such. i can go back to watching movies with my mom, hanging out with joanna and hobbit and corey; to sleeping in on my days off and to pretending that my life is actually headed somewhere.

unrelated: i've restarted sabriel by garth nix. so far so good. going to buy the passage by justin cronin later this week before i go to texas so i can have some good times on the plane.

all right. going to clean my room to the sweet sweet sounds of... someone. then it will officially be time to indulge in family night. i hope i don't continue to feel this way.

oh blog. thanks for listening.