it's funny.

whenever i get this feeling, something happens. i don't know what. but almost always something changes. who i'm talking to, what i'm saying; i'm back to being guarded. like a shell. part of me doesn't want to talk to anyone actually. i want everyone to disappear so i can just do the few important things: go to work, spend time with my family. everyone and everything can leave me alone.

i'm sure i'll look back at see that this won't have actually happened, but right now is a life as a salesman moments. attention must be paid or in my case, not paid. i want it all to just turn to mist and dissipate. it's days like these when all i long to do is run away. i wish i could run away, change my name and start all over. and as horrible as it sounds, if i had the money, i probably would've done this years ago.

how sad is that?

i want to be something i'm not. and i don't want to feel like someone who needs to be talked about, or who bothers people. i don't mean to be. i have a hard time letting myself be happy and keeping everyone else happy and being around. so right now, no. i don't want to be around. at first i was sad the semester was over, and that half of the people left to their respective states.

now i'm happy. really happy. because now i can just sit here and wallow and be alone and not have to worry about class or seeing people breaking it up and making it difficult for me to remain as such. i can go back to watching movies with my mom, hanging out with joanna and hobbit and corey; to sleeping in on my days off and to pretending that my life is actually headed somewhere.

unrelated: i've restarted sabriel by garth nix. so far so good. going to buy the passage by justin cronin later this week before i go to texas so i can have some good times on the plane.

all right. going to clean my room to the sweet sweet sounds of... someone. then it will officially be time to indulge in family night. i hope i don't continue to feel this way.

oh blog. thanks for listening.