caught up as a dreamer.

these past few days have given me a lot to think about. i've been having splendid times (time after time) with my friends, studying for finals and not-sleeping. i poured out an iced coffee i bought for the very occasion that had been sitting in my room the past few days and when i did the soy milk and humidity of my room had made it into a fine sludge of brownish cream. disgusting isn't the word; thankfully it didn't wreak. now i'm in the in-between-moment of having just helped mom clean the house and the necessity of cleaning up my room.

i was in a funk yesterday. it's got no reason behind it, mind you. yesterday i got to spend some time with jess and anthony before she drove him to the airport and after our last final. we wrote russell a card (he was our west lit professor) and he was fairly amused by anthony's poem. it was using the letters of russell's name. it all rhymed until the last line "learning without you next year is gonna suck, man" - priceless. anyway.

so i went with my mom to kohls on her break so she could get pillows. we discovered "egyptian cotton" pillows. if they'd been king sized we would've bought them, for the sheer amusement of saying to my dad "it's egypshun cotton mothafokuh." (it's from the sam l. version of shaft. peoples hernandez.) then i went back to school, picked up mike and we went and got strudel, then drove... wow, where'd we go after that? we went to visit cyndi, right. i honestly couldn't remember. visited cyndi and gave her boxes i got for her from work so she could pack up more stuff. gave away cigarettes that strudel and mike didn't want. then met nelly, who no longer believes i am invisible. she seems nice, though my view of her will remained skewed until i find out the true motives behind why she and the others all hurt cyndi, because i still don't fully grasp it.

anyway.

strudel came over, we enjoyed the first episode of mob wives, which yes, i admit is total trash, but totally good trash that i can't stop loving. and now strudel loves it too. it's outstanding. if i can be anyone, i want to be drita d'avanzo. because holy shenanigans, she's fabulous. and she will put you in a hospital if you get into a fight with her. love it.

so then i dropped her off at work at pfy, then went back on campus to watch mike pack for a bit. and, of course, to distract him from working for a bit, which was nice. we took cyndi out for dinner at napo's, went back to her room to help her finish cleaning, then i shimmyed my way home.

i'm still in a strange funk. it's like i'm just... starting to feel insanely self-conscious all over again. little things that people say, or do. notes they make. observations. requests. it's hard for me to feel entirely comfortable these days, and i don't know who to tell. at all. i feel like i'm in this tiny little box of imaginary-isms of who i am and am not and i'm stuck pretending half of the time that i'm happy. and sometimes i am. sometimes that smile i've got is truly genuine. and then sometimes it's really not.

i'm back to that stage in my life where i feel like i'm unattractive and not worth it; that i'm a horrible friend. yes, i know, i've done things for my friends in the past, but come on? really? i can be kind of heartless. and lazy. goddamnit. i feel like i'm just... going to constantly be a disappointment. that all i do is fail. that i'll never be good enough or worth the effort.

it drives me crazy feeling like this and i just... i don't usually have the guts to even write it here. but i can't just sit here and not let myself become aware of how i'm feeling. i feel... i don't even really know how i feel. i just do.

and it's starting to make me lose it a little inside.

i'm so glad my semester is over. i hope i get B's and up. i should. hopefully.

i'm really not emo, i swear. i'm just in an indescribable funk. all i really want is to spend a full day with my lackey because no matter what happens in my life, strudel always makes me happy. always, without fail. she's who i feel the most comfortable with. for everything.

all right. i'm going to lay down. maybe watch some more mob wives. pretend i don't exist. phone = off. for... however long i can let that go on for.

oh, right.

my aunt's cancer didn't spread. i'm incredibly happy about it. she won't need anything other than surgery. it was such a huge relief to hear. huge.