composure.

i'm trying to have it as i write this. i don't want to be aggravated, hurt, devastated and explosive. it's hard not to be, though, when the situation at hand is something so painful. allow me, for a moment, to exclude this unmentioned-by-name person's past, and bring to light one of the most important people to me who now hates me (practically) and ignores anything anyone else has to say to him.

my younger brother.

pushing aside the fact that i've had one person i regarded as a brother return to calling me his cousin with no warning (which of course hurts), i'm losing my younger brother. or have lost him.

my aunt and cousin have been hurt by their son/brother's wife who has no interest in mending fences and continues to remain bitter and resentful toward them, regardless of their attempts to fix things. and now, with a baby in the picture, who my aunt still hasn't seen, it's even more clear that the one thing that she feared has happened. her son's wife won. she won. she got my aunt's son; she has him in kansas, and for a while, had him turned against his own mother. thankfully, things have been changing a little, and he's standing up for the fact that my aunt is indeed his mom, and nothing will change that, and that he does love her, so she needs to be a part of their child's life, which is a plus, but only so much so. it's still hard. it still hurts.

now, let's bring in the biggest factor of why i've all but completely lost my brother. his girlfriend. again, i reiterate, i'm going to ignore the fact of her past. which let's be honest, even when promised to never happen again, hasn't changed. it happened twice. and after awhile of talking to her, i was starting to try to be on her side of things. because a) my brother seemed to really care for her and b) she seemed truthful and was trying. but when she...

anyway. the reason i know she's won, is because my brother resents me. resents me family. he thinks i'm a bad person. he was honestly surprised when i hadn't told my parents that he'd been back with her since september. but it didn't matter. the fact that i hadn't said anything to him, nothing to him about the fact that i don't think giving a third or fourth chance with a girl who has knowingly cheated, went unnoticed. he called me a bad person, said he had no respect for me because of him past, and was surprised i hadn't opened my big-mouth to my parents. and then on top of that, when my parents sat down and talked to him, civilly, because they as parents are concerned for him, he got mad at them - and then his girlfriend trashed my family.

the truth of the matter is this and only this.

i'm hurt, because i've lost one of the smartest, wittiest, entertaining and enjoyable people to be around in my life. someone i've known since he was born, lived with, grew with, learned with, shared secrets with. when she first broke his heart over the summer, i was the one he talked to, literally shed tears to.

and because she can't move on, and because he's too comfortable, or because they love each other and enjoy being in a relationship where one physically cheats and the other emotionaly cheats, and because she doesn't like my family, he disregards the fact that our family is probably one of the most understanding families.

did they yell at him? scream at him? tell him to break up with her? no. they told him how they felt, and they're accepting it. they don't approve, but they're accepting. because they don't want to cause anymore waves. because guess what. they, like me, love him.

i. fucking. love. my. little. brother.

a whole fucking lot.

so why haven't i said anything to him? because he hates me already. why should i even bother? hmm? why should i even try.

he hates me. he'll always hate me. why? because i think his cheating whore of a girlfriend will only cheat again. or, bitch about my family to the point where he won't stick up for us. my family is trying. my dad's fine. my mom's working on being fine, but she was really hurt by his lies.

and me? i'm just... tired. really, really tired by the extent at which he's just... disregarded us entirely. and i understand why. he loves her. and she loves him. and i'm happy for him in that sense. do i want him to get back with my best friend? no. not at all. in fact, i want them to never have dated in the first place, because it wasn't good for either of them, and seeing her go through so much pain isn't good either.

the root of what i want to get at is this.

i
want
my
brother
back.

just for a second. i want that smile, the love, the fun times.

i want him to stop thinking i'm an idiot. i am scatter-brained sure. but not an idiot. i'm not a moron. i think for myself, i'm honest, i don't steal, cheat, i don't drink or smoke, and i'm a hard-working student. i've overcome some of the biggest trials in my life.

i lost one brother because, well, i don't even know why anymore. he just doesn't want anything to do with me. fine, whatever. it hurts, but i'm over it. he can be a flake for all i care. at least peter's honest.

it just hurts a lot more knowing that he thinks he's so right and refuses to try and forgive us.

date her. it's fine. if she proves herself, if she tries to become a part of our family, be someone we would love to have as a sister and daughter, then i'll eat my words of hurt and anger toward her.

but please, as a cry from a wounded and broken sister, don't forget us. because when you're in your most pain, we've always been there to help build you back up.

i just wish you hadn't forgotten that.

-aleey

"she needs to come back to work full time..."

"...for more quality time."

the face i gave my boss must have been something akin to someone who had not only seen a ghost, but that ghost was the worst person ever to have been apart of their life. at least, his responsive laughter told me so. "just kidding, its sarcasm al."

i was not amused at that idea. there are few people on this planet that i can't stand so much so that i want to ring their neck on a regular basis; this particular girl is one of them. i nearly throttled her several times today... but restrained myself, obviously, as you can see i am not in jail. i am at home however.

and finally feeling a little cooled down, courtesy of the ac blasting in the living room. mm.

also very loudly in my headphones i am listening to trombone shorty, because jesus knows he's fantastic. love this cd and love his music. he's my newest obsession. it's sad.

i was thinking about it, and i don't really know why, but i'm in a terribly amazing move today. something to do with yesterday i think. i got to spend it, all day, with great friends. jo and i met up at barnes and noble, read, then went to see toy story 3, met up with hobbit, ate a scrumdiliumptious bar (which, by the way, was scrumdiliumptious), then watched fireworks and jumped on my trampoline. all in all a great day.

so far i've no plans for later tonight, but i have every intention of remedying that fact. perhaps i'll don a cute skirt and do something with danie, who knows! i've got to do something though, it's beautiful outside and i've yet to do anything... maybe i'll jump on my pogostick some. considering that's always good fun.

you know, it's difficult sort of having feelings for two people. especially when you get along with both of them, and one seems interested, and another you're so uncertain of it's like teetering on a fence that leads one way to sharks and the other to daisies. and i don't like being forward, because i know i'm not exactly a "catch" by standard means. i'm pretty, lean, whatever, et cetera, et cetera, but that doesn't mean i'm gorgeous. i'm weird, i've got all these cooky aspects to my personality, and i'm stranger than most... but hey, i'm interesting?

i think what's really bothering me is i just want someone to... talk to. i've got my best friends, but i want someone to share the stupid things with. the funny things with. someone i can share each moment with, not just several people who will get different sets of things that we both find entertaining, entertaining.

like todays manboob-lactation. or the girl who drives me crazy. and so many other things. like seeing john, and feeling amazing at the idea of collaborating with someone music wise. all of these things drive me bonkers... and i just wish i could find someone, y'know?

but not in that "oh lordy send someone please, i'm so desperate" sort of way, because i am happy where i am, i would just like someone there. it's comfortable, nice to have someone to sit in the arms of, hold hands with, kiss from time to time.

listen. i'm a chick. keep your insults at bay.

well, enough of that sappy nonsense... onto slightly depressing nonsense?

...oy. not depressing. it's just... i was at work, and whenever i'm breaking down boxes, for some reason i always think of... i don't know. christian. and that worries me, that i think so much about him, that i wish so much to come from that... when i know it probably never will. but... he's my brother. i don't know, getting older makes me wish i just knew him and john keith, even though it seems like it'll never happen. well. yeah. haha.

uhm.

trombone shorty is better than this post... go listen to hurricane storm, it's amazing.

hum. i'd like to be kissed sometime soon. humhum.

hurrah.

-aleey.

oh, death. oh, oh, death. won't you spare me over. for another year.

a while ago i started a list of things i wanted to do before i died. now, considering i've preached that i was gonna die sometime before i was twenty-three, this list now needs to be completed within roughly a year and a half, or so. so let's see! i have to update the list, hm? i don't even remember it anymore.

well, i guess it doesn't matter. i don't actually believe i'm going to die soon, so, ha.

so far as updates on my actual life go, things are pretty smooth sailing. i've officially been accepted and set-up with classes at hofstra, and that's a nice little consolation prize after the long break i took from school. work sucks, but that's just normal at this point. i'm trying to get a new job... but that fire is no longer lit, now that i plan on returning to school full time in the fall. tom insists that i'm going to be bored out of my mind working only once a week. i guess we'll see how it goes.

i don't want to have to pull all-nighters, but i'm going to need money... if it means working the weekends and a few nights a week, so be it. it sucks, going to school nine-five each day but what am i gonna do? i want to graduate at some point, i want to drop school like a bad habit at one point.

however...

hmmm.

you are my sweetest downfall
i loved you first, i loved you first
beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads
but they're just old light, they're just old light

i love regina spektor. sigh.

the dishwasher is whirring away, i've got hey arnold to watch, and i think i may be able to con a nice looking guy to come visit me.

not really, but a girl can dream ;)

ha. i'm such a cornball.

oh! i was perusing old posts (and/or old blogs) and found the penn pipers singing "down by the salley gardens" and i got chills.

god i miss ireland so much. i'm hoping dave (irish dave) will message me back at some point. i'd love to see how he is.

oh, and here's dead poetic blasting oh so sweetly.

time to relax. (: adieu, mon cheres.

-elie

sleepy.

nothing i'm putting here will matter, ha, i'm just so bored i'm writing in this.

so hi and bye and goodnight.

"say goodnight grace."
"goodnight grace!"

-aleey

my head is dizzy

well, this weeks been an interesting summation of highs and lows. mostly highs, thankfully. i'm extremely exhausted however.

main good points:
lots of deadpool reading.
had some fabulous events with girls from work/danielle.
had a loooong couple of days at work that made me feel happy.
fell asleep at eight pm. (:

there's more. i think there's more to think about. argh.

why! bye!

-aleey.

it's like picking up trash in dresses.

try me five times today and i'll crack like a walnut, try me six and i'll crumble like dried out bread

try me seven times, try me, seven times
and i'll be as easily broken as the thinnest of ice

but don't count on me to show you anything

because i never could, i never can, i never will

sorry, play again?

and what a beautiful mess this is
it's like picking up trash in dresses
and it kind of hurts when the kind of words you say
kind of turn themselves into blades
and the kind and courteous is a life i've heard
but it's nice to say that we played in the dirt
oh, dear

a nutella flavored finger tip, salty skin and bread and peanut butter
wash me down with milk.

today was a bingo wednesday. and oh, the adventures i had.

the jacks and the early birds were all in a different box. so sharon and i went on an adventure from maspeth (closer to manhattan) to jamaica (just outside of flushing.)

eventually we achieved getting what we needed. and went back. and sold. i got twenty bucks extra. (: because one of the people we knew won the jackpot full card. (1000 bucks. niiiiice.) so i got some extra dough.

not that i can use it for anything personally. i'm so hard up for money these days i'm thinking of doing something crazy.

...no, not really.

...maybe.

my stomachs in knots. thank you, world, for making me one of the most obscurely ridiculous people alive.

really.

i appreciate this.

thanks.

well. now. let's see... right! i'm not ever going to work for apple. now i need to look, seriously look, for a better job.

because what i make an hour isn't cutting it anymore. so, yar.

i want to do something today. perhaps i shall don a beautiful skirt and some cute shoes and bug joanna to go out with me to... hm. maybe we'll go to the brew. or the cup. get some coffee and play some card games.

she needs to distractions. and i wouldn't mind a few hours with my best friend spent doing nothing other than talking and making jokes and having fun.

so, yes. so far i lean toward that.

this shit is bananas. b-a-n-a-n-a-s.

-aleey.

ps: i downloaded the pokemon theme song and the pokerap via itunes. yes, bask in the nerdiness that is my life.

get the cool

get the cool shoe shine.

they do the bump.

feathers of an arrow.

i think my ipod and i are just in sync lately. re-bought "the sound" by further seems forever.

have "jim's theme" from that movie treasure planet.

i feel like dance, dance, dancing.

maybe.

oy! school!

i should sleep.

...please, snow, stop.

please.

-aleey.