well, that's a dream

i saw it, pale

in comparison to everything i had hoped it'd be.

short, fallen, empty

dripping down the chosen path

i regretted immediately.

my fingers reached out, gripping

or attempting to, by the by,

to take what ever scraps of falsified reality remained

tangible for the feeble mind that

lingered in my shell of life.

--

chairs.

there were so many goddamn chairs everywhere.

that's what i remember.

ever notice you remember the strangest things?

sixty. had to be. or close to.

there were maybe six turned over.

another one was broken.

dust was everywhere.

i don't even know why i was there.

(letsbehonestnoonecaresaboutadelusionalgirlwithadreamandawishandadeepbreathandahopethathe'dbethere,waiting)

he wasn't there. but he

he was.

he was cold, sitting in one of the chairs.

and he stared at me.

from that goddamn chair.

it was green. rusted, and i swear

if he weighed any heavier

it'd have collapsed under the sheer duress of pressure

other than gravity.

i wanted to run, weave around chairs

crash into his arms and find something other than the linger of her soap on his shoulders.

but did i?

i cried. dropped to my knees, felt them buckle with a weight i thought my heart

had released

earlier.

(itobviouslyhadntwhyelsewasitherecryingforhimtoseeandnotsee)

all i remembered was fingers

fingers in hair and kisses and breathing and he stared at me, unblinking

un-fucking-moving.

i was just kneeling there

face in hands

ugly as all, crying until my head pounded

and my heart stopped beating.

i hope to god he's finally happy.

--

^--- none of that has anything to do with my life, presently. sorry for any confusion. i've had this aching need to write lately, and i'm feeling a little... compressed. it's difficult finding the inspiration i used to find, and now i'm just dealing with things i don't think ever really worked together to begin with. like my life, writing, living, working part time and being a half-way decent human being.

tentative. free. space. absolute. atrocious. optometry. kisses. noses. fists. holes. walls. toes. alphabet soup. why, why, why.

i'm not in my right mind, i can't sleep, and i really just wish i could curl up in someone's arms right now so i can feel safe. i like to feel safe. i... kind of need to feel safe. protected. i need to feel as though nothing else is going to go wrong anymore. that i won't be left in the dark, hanging on the words of things that i had no say in the matter of producing.

i'll... think. too much. for myself.

dear you,

i don't know who you are.

but i wish you were here.

-aleey

ps. i'm not depressed. jeesus, do i sound it? i must. i'm just trying to cope with feeling at odds with my life (which really... isn't terrible.)

"there's a new rule in cafe, aleey,

"you must be naked at all times. " -tomi

my evening resonated with an ominous feeling. i thought it was because i was dreading classes tomorrow because of my exhaustion and the fact that i've yet to finish that ten-page play. but now i feel like my heart has simply become concave against the back of my ribs. i can't even bring myself to say why, in fear of letting it be that much more of a reality.

not that it's the worst thing. at first, it wasn't. it was watching my mom walk into her bedroom saying "i've stopped hoping in a lot of things" that made everything erupt. i actually feel at a loss for words. those whole section tonight was meant to be happy-go-lucky, truly. quotes from the day, fun facts... moments worth mentioning. thoughts worth mentioning. hopes worth mentioning.

now i don't want to dilute this feeling with a false sense of felicity. if i dumb down this feeling with miniscule moments in my day it's just going to take away from the gravity of this.

what's insanity is just how easily my mother's reaction can utterly deflate anything i felt. and he's just... sitting there, laying there, sleeping... finally, i'm sure, but still. i almost want to be mad at him. say something. express the sudden anxious feeling i have in a hot-headed, ill-tempered way until it makes me feel better, but what good is that going to do?

now that my mother seems to be trying to deal with it and yet failing simultaneously, i have to try to hope, right? it happened once; i'm sure it can happen again. maybe this won't be as bad as it seems. maybe this won't wreck the next few days, or the hopes and plans i had for the near future. maybe it will. i can only really hope at this point. hope hope hope.

it's so hard to do though, when there's no real suggestion in sight; no real destination in the future. everything that you thought was good just disappeared with two simple words that i wish i could've clapped my hand over the mouth that uttered them of. in both a positive and sardonic way, i hope he's happy. satisfied.

but i hate this.

sigh.

so much for writing that stupid play tonight. guess i'll do it tomorrow morning, hopefully. guess we'll see. maybe i'll just skip the damn class. not sure it'd be worth going to it tomorrow anyway.

sigh. whatever.

thanks.

-aleey

ima a hustler, ima ima hustler

i'm sure that title makes sense to someone out there.

here's a quick synopsis, in a ramblemumble, of my past few days:
friday:
paper
working on paper
finishing paper
emailing pen pal
get stopped by weird guy in computer lab
weird guy in computer lab insists that people on a videogame forum have hacked his credit cards
i am fairly certain they did not
he thinks the words "dantes inferno"
is code for him
on the forums.
one post said "in the beginning of the month, i spent 30 bucks on a special edition..."
his response
"i spend 30 bucks at the beginning of the month on farmville!"
ah, yes.
i see.
obvious connection.
insert eye rolling.
insert attempt to clear this guys mind.
insert attempt to convince guy that site is a legitimate videogame forum site.
not a hacking site.
guy is convinced it's a lawyer from duke university.
proof is in a post that says "duke nukem" in it.
obviously he has solid evidence.
i run run run away as fast as possible.
hide at class.
talk to the awesome old black guy.
who says "ten" "teean" (hard to write it out... better said out loud.)
handed in my paper to levy.
expressed appreciation to him.
left.
went to lit.
saw jess.
ate with jess and anthony.
went home.
cindy, corey and hobbit came over.
we played poker
(SO FUN.)
with aunt maria and mom.
the latter and all four of us
went to see unknown.
go see unknown.
stop reading this list,
and go see it, it's genius.
liam neeson is amazing. end of story.
we get home.
hang out,
i start to pass out.
well, pass out
to craig ferguson.
saturday:
was woken up by meg.
she came over.
i got up, dressed
cleaned a bit
we waited for boys.
went to diner.
veronica came over.
we had shenanigans that included:
beach,
acting like fosse,
hats similar to hat-guys hat from xkcd.com
long car rides
"FUCK YOU" by cee lo green at astronomically loud levels
brocules being awesome
brocula
dancing to "just dance 2"
hobbit yelling at me for recording...
corey and i tearing up just dance 2
robbie coming over
all of us gunfighting outside
twice.
for the camera.
my mom and aunt were laughing at us.
we ate dinner.
veronica and rob came back after their dinner.
we watched despicable me.
i now have a blind date for friday, with rob's friend mike.
kind of excited... more nervous.
am i ready.
am i ready.
holy, wow, who knows...
sunday:
grandpa's.
it's always sad seeing him that way.
grandma made food.
"i see you're paying me a compliment" (aka i ate all the food, first time in a while)
falling asleep on her couch
again
per usual.
grandpa with his zipper scar.
grandpa with no underwear.
somari. being... somari.
and her husband (lover?) being sweet.
going home,
not doing homework,
hanging out with hobbit.
waiting for veronica and robbie and clare.
eating chips.
watching the oscars.
YES. melissa leo.
YES. alice in wonderland.
YES. christian bale.
WTF THE SOCIAL NETWORK?!
yes james franco in a dress.
yes anne hathaway making fun of hugh jackman.
yes, kirk douglas being adorable.
yes, yes, kings speech.
then attempting jimmy kimmel.
then sleeping.
everyone went home.

today.

PHEW.

today was not bad either. i had a bit of a down. i thought about being second best again, and fear kind of took me. what if it happens again? will i ever be enough? will anyone ever want me? will i be good enough?

then i remembered. it didn't matter. gil didn't matter.

it's all better now. mom is amazing.

got to work, louisa called out, so i had joe. and joe is amazing. because joe does dishes. and always makes me smile.
always.

we had fun chatting.
he got to see his life coach (ben) who was actually not insightful today.
i wonder if he napped too much.

we closed fairly quickly... but i left my book inside, so i had to leave a little later. stupid forgetfulness. lesigh.

jess called a few times, but always at inconvenient ones. so i couldn't answer. called her back, she picked up and hung up. then texted that she was tired, so at least i know she doesn't hate me.

i have bio, then playwriting, then native american lit tomorrow.

and no work! so i get to dress like a real girl! it's fabulous. and that cute guy brian will hopefully be in class. i think i'll tell that to mike. that i think he's cute, of course. who knows. maybe he is sending me side-long glances, like steve may or may not have been doing all last semester in class. or maybe not. maybe i just like boys that like me.

or don't like me...?

my head is spinning.

and i'm nomming pizza. mmmm... pizza.

and i want a kiss. a real, nice, warm and fun kiss.

and to be held. mmm. i had a dream about that brian kid.

it was weird. we were at otakon. i'll... end it there.

haha. but! i was dressed as lulu! perhaps some of this dream is clairvoyant.

holy rusting metal batman! this message has gotten long. but more to put... sorry folks, it's a long one tonight.

i was going over some of my favorite memories, and i think i want to put them in top-five order of the best ever in my life.

five: this past saturday. life doesn't get any better than good friends having good times being crazy, making a music video. i don't deserve my friends.

four: the day my dad and i went into the city. for a father/daughter day. we were driving... driving, driving, driving... nearing our destination. and he says "you know where we're going?" so reply "no, why?" and he looks at me and smiles and says "i think you need pie..." i got so excited, clapped and said "i need pie!" he took me to the empire diner. the burger was great. and we didn't try their pie, but i'm sure it was fantastic. we then went to central park. talked, and had a blast. he's a great dad, it was a great day, and i'll never forget it (hopefully).

three: the day aaron and i got together. now, don't be misled. this doesn't mean i have feelings for him, but the way it all happened was great. he was walking with me and james and henry to dunkin donuts. we sat and talked, and while i was up getting something (with aaron at the table with james and henry next to me) henry pointed to me and mouthed "do ou like her?" and he said "who?! james? i'm not gay!" mouthing back to him. and then we sat, talked, walked across campus and henry left the two of us talking on charlie (the vent that gave us warmth.) so we talked, and talked and talked for a good.. forty minutes on that thing. then he walked me to my car, and as we're going up the block, i said something about how guys get bored of me. and he said that girls would get bored of him once they realized he wasn't always crazy, and that's why they wouldn't want to date him. i gave him a backwards hug and said that i'd totally date him. he said "really? do you... want to?" and i asked if that was a backwards way of asking me out, he said yes, and we held hands on the way to my car. we sat at my car, kissed, giggled, huddled together and finally i dropped him off on my way home. that night will always make me smile... without fail.

two: six flags. i guess the best way to sum that day up, is: i didn't flash batman (though would have if he'd asked...), skull mountain was amazing and "are you the only girl with five guys?" "yep." "how?" "they're like... all my brothers. it's amazing." and fudge. lots of delicious fudge. such an.. amazing day. so amazing.

one: i have to admit, i'm crying as i think about this one. it hurts to think about. it hurts, because i miss it. and it was amazing. and there's... nothing that could ever replace it. in the summer of 2005, before my senior year of high school, my family went on our first real vacation together, to florida. during the first week we did fun things, you know, disney and universal and stuff. but more importantly, that first week we spent time with my uncle larry. and it was the last time i spent time with him. we took pictures of him snoring, and i cuddled with him on the couch, and he called me baby girl, and tried to convince my parents to let me move in with him so i could get residency in florida for college. he loved me so much. the second week we went to target, and i picked up harry potter six. and spent the week at my uncle jimmy's house. he and i would eat cheetos for breakfast. and laugh when my parents woke up to see it. he took me on a long, long motorcycle ride. to buy my dad a funky shirt. he always, too, called me baby girl. and he and i fell asleep one night watching a tom selleck western. that was the last time i saw him, too. that vacation was the last time i saw two of the most important and amazing people in my life. and i value that time, those memories, above any, because they are among the cherished few i have of both of them. i love you, uncle larry, uncle jimmy.

well, now i'm drained. after that last moment, i'm sort of just ready to sleep.

love you all. remember, keep smiling.

-aleey

composure.

i'm trying to have it as i write this. i don't want to be aggravated, hurt, devastated and explosive. it's hard not to be, though, when the situation at hand is something so painful. allow me, for a moment, to exclude this unmentioned-by-name person's past, and bring to light one of the most important people to me who now hates me (practically) and ignores anything anyone else has to say to him.

my younger brother.

pushing aside the fact that i've had one person i regarded as a brother return to calling me his cousin with no warning (which of course hurts), i'm losing my younger brother. or have lost him.

my aunt and cousin have been hurt by their son/brother's wife who has no interest in mending fences and continues to remain bitter and resentful toward them, regardless of their attempts to fix things. and now, with a baby in the picture, who my aunt still hasn't seen, it's even more clear that the one thing that she feared has happened. her son's wife won. she won. she got my aunt's son; she has him in kansas, and for a while, had him turned against his own mother. thankfully, things have been changing a little, and he's standing up for the fact that my aunt is indeed his mom, and nothing will change that, and that he does love her, so she needs to be a part of their child's life, which is a plus, but only so much so. it's still hard. it still hurts.

now, let's bring in the biggest factor of why i've all but completely lost my brother. his girlfriend. again, i reiterate, i'm going to ignore the fact of her past. which let's be honest, even when promised to never happen again, hasn't changed. it happened twice. and after awhile of talking to her, i was starting to try to be on her side of things. because a) my brother seemed to really care for her and b) she seemed truthful and was trying. but when she...

anyway. the reason i know she's won, is because my brother resents me. resents me family. he thinks i'm a bad person. he was honestly surprised when i hadn't told my parents that he'd been back with her since september. but it didn't matter. the fact that i hadn't said anything to him, nothing to him about the fact that i don't think giving a third or fourth chance with a girl who has knowingly cheated, went unnoticed. he called me a bad person, said he had no respect for me because of him past, and was surprised i hadn't opened my big-mouth to my parents. and then on top of that, when my parents sat down and talked to him, civilly, because they as parents are concerned for him, he got mad at them - and then his girlfriend trashed my family.

the truth of the matter is this and only this.

i'm hurt, because i've lost one of the smartest, wittiest, entertaining and enjoyable people to be around in my life. someone i've known since he was born, lived with, grew with, learned with, shared secrets with. when she first broke his heart over the summer, i was the one he talked to, literally shed tears to.

and because she can't move on, and because he's too comfortable, or because they love each other and enjoy being in a relationship where one physically cheats and the other emotionaly cheats, and because she doesn't like my family, he disregards the fact that our family is probably one of the most understanding families.

did they yell at him? scream at him? tell him to break up with her? no. they told him how they felt, and they're accepting it. they don't approve, but they're accepting. because they don't want to cause anymore waves. because guess what. they, like me, love him.

i. fucking. love. my. little. brother.

a whole fucking lot.

so why haven't i said anything to him? because he hates me already. why should i even bother? hmm? why should i even try.

he hates me. he'll always hate me. why? because i think his cheating whore of a girlfriend will only cheat again. or, bitch about my family to the point where he won't stick up for us. my family is trying. my dad's fine. my mom's working on being fine, but she was really hurt by his lies.

and me? i'm just... tired. really, really tired by the extent at which he's just... disregarded us entirely. and i understand why. he loves her. and she loves him. and i'm happy for him in that sense. do i want him to get back with my best friend? no. not at all. in fact, i want them to never have dated in the first place, because it wasn't good for either of them, and seeing her go through so much pain isn't good either.

the root of what i want to get at is this.

i
want
my
brother
back.

just for a second. i want that smile, the love, the fun times.

i want him to stop thinking i'm an idiot. i am scatter-brained sure. but not an idiot. i'm not a moron. i think for myself, i'm honest, i don't steal, cheat, i don't drink or smoke, and i'm a hard-working student. i've overcome some of the biggest trials in my life.

i lost one brother because, well, i don't even know why anymore. he just doesn't want anything to do with me. fine, whatever. it hurts, but i'm over it. he can be a flake for all i care. at least peter's honest.

it just hurts a lot more knowing that he thinks he's so right and refuses to try and forgive us.

date her. it's fine. if she proves herself, if she tries to become a part of our family, be someone we would love to have as a sister and daughter, then i'll eat my words of hurt and anger toward her.

but please, as a cry from a wounded and broken sister, don't forget us. because when you're in your most pain, we've always been there to help build you back up.

i just wish you hadn't forgotten that.

-aleey

"let me be frank." "all right frank, let me be bullwinkle."

not that it has anything to do with the complicated feelings coursing through me, making it difficult to breathe.

ever feel like a weight is sitting on you, pressing you down, making it so every single microscopic moment you live and every single millisecond you spend is now being judged and scrutinized by one of the most important people? that's how i feel. i'm this huge box of inexplicable emotions, this pandora's cage of the beating of my heart and i can't find a way out.

i love her. i do. i love her whole-heartedly. and feeling like i'm the hugest disappointment since atheists in her eyes makes my heart sink to my stomach. i'm not good enough. i'm not good enough for her. i'm not good enough for her adoration, for her full respect.

that's what it feels like. it feels like i'm suddenly the worst child in the world again. and that's saying something, considering up until recently, she and i had been on a very flat and level plain. and then diana pointed out the most blaring-obvious truth that i must have been blinded to all this time: i really can't tell her everything.

i've viewed her as my best friend; professed that i can trust her, that she's one of my shoulders to cry on, and now all of sudden she just... she isn't. i love her so much, and i want that strong, trusting relationship, and i know that it's built slowly over time and with care and love but... but i thought so much more of this, and all of a sudden she's just...

stopped.

it's all just stopped. all of a sudden i'm no longer good enough. and some of it stems from the fact that i have trouble grasping the solidity she finds in christianity. it just isn't for me, at least not now, not with all of these questions, and if i had the clarity and the profound faith that she did, it'd be different. but i don't, and i haven't, for awhile.

and they always say that doing things just for others is wrong. i can't keep pretending to be christian for her. i can't. i could hide it all i wanted to, go to church, keep up the facade, and do what i really wanted behind her back, but what's worse? hiding? or feeling accepted.

accepted.

i'm not doing drugs, i'm not having promiscuous sex, jesus - the guy i'm "seeing" lives in chicago for god sake. i don't get to do anything more than just talk to him.

side-note: it's definitely saying something when "just talking" to someone is enough to make me happy. end side-note.

i can't even cry over this. i can't. part of me just wants to run the fuck away and hope that someday she'll want to love and accept me regardless of what and who i do and don't believe in. maybe just maybe having decent morals, a good disposition and a healthy work attitude will be enough.

i hate feeling this way. i absolutely, positively hate it. i just... i wish i could fix it, i wish i could mend those fences. it's like that time i was in ireland, when i came back and she was... broken.

being me seems to be the root of the problem. but why do i have to hide who i am to the people who i thought would accept me no matter what? why do i feel like pretending to be what and who they want and need me to be is the only way i'll be able to see her smile?

i can't. i can't do that. i refuse to. i've grown the backbone she always told me to grow.

too bad it had to be in response to... well, to her.

...this fucking sucks.

-aleey.

ps: she's going into surgery on the eleventh. keep her in your prayers or thoughts or... or whatever it is you do. she'll be out of work for about a month. perhaps longer.

thirteenseconds poem and why life

thirteenseconds
she was quiet, oh so quiet
don't say it, don't be it, don't breathe it
she was quiet... so quiet.
thirteenseconds
of time passed and it was just enough
just enough of a thought
and after thought
and inner though and outer thought and
fucking fear and suddenly
you're too goddamn scared all the goddamn time
she says
she says it so loud i can't hear it anymore
all i hear is her voice
and i quiver
thirteenseconds
of my fucking fears
growing deep in the pit of my stomach
a mistake so quick so fast so horrible
damnit, damnit, damnit, damnitdamnitdamnit
my dreams melting down into those
cracks
fucking fear cracks, that's what they are
cracks of fear crinkling over my
subconscious
and my skeleton quivers
my fucking bones
marrow and tendons and ligaments and
everything makes me feel sick to my stomach
she laughs, smiles, laughs, says things
lots of things
i don't hear them
i can't hear them
they're in her voice
and it kills me that it's not to me
she's saying so many things
too many things, too many things and too many more things
thirteenseconds
was my goodbye, fucking goodbye
in less than half of half of a minute
and watching i remember why
and why not
and who and who not
no, no more, no thanks
skinskinskinskinskin on more skin
smooth and soft and warm but
so far, not mine
not mine
just
thirteenseconds.

yeah, in a mood folks. work was sort of... whatever. hobbit visited with frito, and that was nice, i don't get to see either of them enough. and there was some talk of them getting me drunk off my ass sometime soon. and that's not good. i do stupid shit when i'm drunk... and god knows i'm a moron half the world's time as is, i don't need to keep giving myself more chances to make dumb mistakes.

are there smart mistakes? i know there are "happy accidents" (aka children).

my head hurts. there's someone i'm missing terribly, but i can't be obvious, because every time that i'm too obvious and weird, i drive people away. and i don't want to drive anyone else away, i just want to be happy and feel happy, so i'm kicking myself for thinking i'm not, cause i am.

i just feel like a failure. everyone keeps saying go to school, go to school, get your degree and i get it, i left school for a bit, i need that break. i get it. it wasn't too smart. but no one's perfect. i hate feeling like i'm not good enough. and with my dad at dinner saying all of those "both of my kids could get a's, if they tried, but they're both so goal-less, they don't have the drive" thanks i get it, i don't have the drive i get it i know i know i know i know i fucking know that i'm nothing in this world these days. it makes sense, too, i think. feeling like a failure. but i don't unless other people seem disappointed.

i, as myself, in myself, with myself, don't feel like a failure. i feel like a fucking twenty-one year old who is taking her goddamn time doing everything she can to be happy, going at my own pace. i could still graduate before i'm even twenty-three if i really wanted to, be on my way to grad school and the like if i get some grades tricked around. i could also not go back to school and slum around broadway for a job as an extra hand or a stage hand or a stage manager. but what i really want to do is open a cafe and have conversations with people who disagree with america's display of capitalism and who read literature and who love oscar wilde and kafka and hume in his weird way and enjoy listening to other people read poetry and stories and sing songs and strum on guitar strongs that are going to break.

why can't life be where it should be at all times, instead of stuck in different states around the country.

why.

visiting dave tomorrow... which is going to be interesting. it'll be the first time i hang out with him since i've, y'know, officially moved on in a way. it doesn't help that i'm going to be there, wishing he were a someone in a someplace with some kind of dark curly hair. but am i just thinking too much in my box again? always,always,always with my commas and my punctuation.

i think i really miss vernon, too, because he always gives the best hugs and the biggest smiles and does this head-cocked-to-the-side thing whenever he's impersonating me, and god he knows me better than anyone when it comes to my insides. he reads my heart like a third-grade girl reads nancy drew in a haste to be a sleuth herself.

dreaming of a body next to me, but not enough to let it control me.

unrelated: the gorillaz really are awesome. every time a new song of theirs pops up on my ipod i'm just like "wow... i keep forgetting how good these guys really are."

like "12d3." which is my favorite right now, followed closely by "latin simone" and some song about sunshine in a bag.

going back to reading... might try to write a story or five. have work at seven tomorrow.

movement from this comfortable bed isn't an option. sorry. unless you love me enough to kiss my forehead.

then maybe i'll move. maybemaybemaybe.

-aleey.