ima a hustler, ima ima hustler

i'm sure that title makes sense to someone out there.

here's a quick synopsis, in a ramblemumble, of my past few days:
friday:
paper
working on paper
finishing paper
emailing pen pal
get stopped by weird guy in computer lab
weird guy in computer lab insists that people on a videogame forum have hacked his credit cards
i am fairly certain they did not
he thinks the words "dantes inferno"
is code for him
on the forums.
one post said "in the beginning of the month, i spent 30 bucks on a special edition..."
his response
"i spend 30 bucks at the beginning of the month on farmville!"
ah, yes.
i see.
obvious connection.
insert eye rolling.
insert attempt to clear this guys mind.
insert attempt to convince guy that site is a legitimate videogame forum site.
not a hacking site.
guy is convinced it's a lawyer from duke university.
proof is in a post that says "duke nukem" in it.
obviously he has solid evidence.
i run run run away as fast as possible.
hide at class.
talk to the awesome old black guy.
who says "ten" "teean" (hard to write it out... better said out loud.)
handed in my paper to levy.
expressed appreciation to him.
left.
went to lit.
saw jess.
ate with jess and anthony.
went home.
cindy, corey and hobbit came over.
we played poker
(SO FUN.)
with aunt maria and mom.
the latter and all four of us
went to see unknown.
go see unknown.
stop reading this list,
and go see it, it's genius.
liam neeson is amazing. end of story.
we get home.
hang out,
i start to pass out.
well, pass out
to craig ferguson.
saturday:
was woken up by meg.
she came over.
i got up, dressed
cleaned a bit
we waited for boys.
went to diner.
veronica came over.
we had shenanigans that included:
beach,
acting like fosse,
hats similar to hat-guys hat from xkcd.com
long car rides
"FUCK YOU" by cee lo green at astronomically loud levels
brocules being awesome
brocula
dancing to "just dance 2"
hobbit yelling at me for recording...
corey and i tearing up just dance 2
robbie coming over
all of us gunfighting outside
twice.
for the camera.
my mom and aunt were laughing at us.
we ate dinner.
veronica and rob came back after their dinner.
we watched despicable me.
i now have a blind date for friday, with rob's friend mike.
kind of excited... more nervous.
am i ready.
am i ready.
holy, wow, who knows...
sunday:
grandpa's.
it's always sad seeing him that way.
grandma made food.
"i see you're paying me a compliment" (aka i ate all the food, first time in a while)
falling asleep on her couch
again
per usual.
grandpa with his zipper scar.
grandpa with no underwear.
somari. being... somari.
and her husband (lover?) being sweet.
going home,
not doing homework,
hanging out with hobbit.
waiting for veronica and robbie and clare.
eating chips.
watching the oscars.
YES. melissa leo.
YES. alice in wonderland.
YES. christian bale.
WTF THE SOCIAL NETWORK?!
yes james franco in a dress.
yes anne hathaway making fun of hugh jackman.
yes, kirk douglas being adorable.
yes, yes, kings speech.
then attempting jimmy kimmel.
then sleeping.
everyone went home.

today.

PHEW.

today was not bad either. i had a bit of a down. i thought about being second best again, and fear kind of took me. what if it happens again? will i ever be enough? will anyone ever want me? will i be good enough?

then i remembered. it didn't matter. gil didn't matter.

it's all better now. mom is amazing.

got to work, louisa called out, so i had joe. and joe is amazing. because joe does dishes. and always makes me smile.
always.

we had fun chatting.
he got to see his life coach (ben) who was actually not insightful today.
i wonder if he napped too much.

we closed fairly quickly... but i left my book inside, so i had to leave a little later. stupid forgetfulness. lesigh.

jess called a few times, but always at inconvenient ones. so i couldn't answer. called her back, she picked up and hung up. then texted that she was tired, so at least i know she doesn't hate me.

i have bio, then playwriting, then native american lit tomorrow.

and no work! so i get to dress like a real girl! it's fabulous. and that cute guy brian will hopefully be in class. i think i'll tell that to mike. that i think he's cute, of course. who knows. maybe he is sending me side-long glances, like steve may or may not have been doing all last semester in class. or maybe not. maybe i just like boys that like me.

or don't like me...?

my head is spinning.

and i'm nomming pizza. mmmm... pizza.

and i want a kiss. a real, nice, warm and fun kiss.

and to be held. mmm. i had a dream about that brian kid.

it was weird. we were at otakon. i'll... end it there.

haha. but! i was dressed as lulu! perhaps some of this dream is clairvoyant.

holy rusting metal batman! this message has gotten long. but more to put... sorry folks, it's a long one tonight.

i was going over some of my favorite memories, and i think i want to put them in top-five order of the best ever in my life.

five: this past saturday. life doesn't get any better than good friends having good times being crazy, making a music video. i don't deserve my friends.

four: the day my dad and i went into the city. for a father/daughter day. we were driving... driving, driving, driving... nearing our destination. and he says "you know where we're going?" so reply "no, why?" and he looks at me and smiles and says "i think you need pie..." i got so excited, clapped and said "i need pie!" he took me to the empire diner. the burger was great. and we didn't try their pie, but i'm sure it was fantastic. we then went to central park. talked, and had a blast. he's a great dad, it was a great day, and i'll never forget it (hopefully).

three: the day aaron and i got together. now, don't be misled. this doesn't mean i have feelings for him, but the way it all happened was great. he was walking with me and james and henry to dunkin donuts. we sat and talked, and while i was up getting something (with aaron at the table with james and henry next to me) henry pointed to me and mouthed "do ou like her?" and he said "who?! james? i'm not gay!" mouthing back to him. and then we sat, talked, walked across campus and henry left the two of us talking on charlie (the vent that gave us warmth.) so we talked, and talked and talked for a good.. forty minutes on that thing. then he walked me to my car, and as we're going up the block, i said something about how guys get bored of me. and he said that girls would get bored of him once they realized he wasn't always crazy, and that's why they wouldn't want to date him. i gave him a backwards hug and said that i'd totally date him. he said "really? do you... want to?" and i asked if that was a backwards way of asking me out, he said yes, and we held hands on the way to my car. we sat at my car, kissed, giggled, huddled together and finally i dropped him off on my way home. that night will always make me smile... without fail.

two: six flags. i guess the best way to sum that day up, is: i didn't flash batman (though would have if he'd asked...), skull mountain was amazing and "are you the only girl with five guys?" "yep." "how?" "they're like... all my brothers. it's amazing." and fudge. lots of delicious fudge. such an.. amazing day. so amazing.

one: i have to admit, i'm crying as i think about this one. it hurts to think about. it hurts, because i miss it. and it was amazing. and there's... nothing that could ever replace it. in the summer of 2005, before my senior year of high school, my family went on our first real vacation together, to florida. during the first week we did fun things, you know, disney and universal and stuff. but more importantly, that first week we spent time with my uncle larry. and it was the last time i spent time with him. we took pictures of him snoring, and i cuddled with him on the couch, and he called me baby girl, and tried to convince my parents to let me move in with him so i could get residency in florida for college. he loved me so much. the second week we went to target, and i picked up harry potter six. and spent the week at my uncle jimmy's house. he and i would eat cheetos for breakfast. and laugh when my parents woke up to see it. he took me on a long, long motorcycle ride. to buy my dad a funky shirt. he always, too, called me baby girl. and he and i fell asleep one night watching a tom selleck western. that was the last time i saw him, too. that vacation was the last time i saw two of the most important and amazing people in my life. and i value that time, those memories, above any, because they are among the cherished few i have of both of them. i love you, uncle larry, uncle jimmy.

well, now i'm drained. after that last moment, i'm sort of just ready to sleep.

love you all. remember, keep smiling.

-aleey

"let me be frank." "all right frank, let me be bullwinkle."

not that it has anything to do with the complicated feelings coursing through me, making it difficult to breathe.

ever feel like a weight is sitting on you, pressing you down, making it so every single microscopic moment you live and every single millisecond you spend is now being judged and scrutinized by one of the most important people? that's how i feel. i'm this huge box of inexplicable emotions, this pandora's cage of the beating of my heart and i can't find a way out.

i love her. i do. i love her whole-heartedly. and feeling like i'm the hugest disappointment since atheists in her eyes makes my heart sink to my stomach. i'm not good enough. i'm not good enough for her. i'm not good enough for her adoration, for her full respect.

that's what it feels like. it feels like i'm suddenly the worst child in the world again. and that's saying something, considering up until recently, she and i had been on a very flat and level plain. and then diana pointed out the most blaring-obvious truth that i must have been blinded to all this time: i really can't tell her everything.

i've viewed her as my best friend; professed that i can trust her, that she's one of my shoulders to cry on, and now all of sudden she just... she isn't. i love her so much, and i want that strong, trusting relationship, and i know that it's built slowly over time and with care and love but... but i thought so much more of this, and all of a sudden she's just...

stopped.

it's all just stopped. all of a sudden i'm no longer good enough. and some of it stems from the fact that i have trouble grasping the solidity she finds in christianity. it just isn't for me, at least not now, not with all of these questions, and if i had the clarity and the profound faith that she did, it'd be different. but i don't, and i haven't, for awhile.

and they always say that doing things just for others is wrong. i can't keep pretending to be christian for her. i can't. i could hide it all i wanted to, go to church, keep up the facade, and do what i really wanted behind her back, but what's worse? hiding? or feeling accepted.

accepted.

i'm not doing drugs, i'm not having promiscuous sex, jesus - the guy i'm "seeing" lives in chicago for god sake. i don't get to do anything more than just talk to him.

side-note: it's definitely saying something when "just talking" to someone is enough to make me happy. end side-note.

i can't even cry over this. i can't. part of me just wants to run the fuck away and hope that someday she'll want to love and accept me regardless of what and who i do and don't believe in. maybe just maybe having decent morals, a good disposition and a healthy work attitude will be enough.

i hate feeling this way. i absolutely, positively hate it. i just... i wish i could fix it, i wish i could mend those fences. it's like that time i was in ireland, when i came back and she was... broken.

being me seems to be the root of the problem. but why do i have to hide who i am to the people who i thought would accept me no matter what? why do i feel like pretending to be what and who they want and need me to be is the only way i'll be able to see her smile?

i can't. i can't do that. i refuse to. i've grown the backbone she always told me to grow.

too bad it had to be in response to... well, to her.

...this fucking sucks.

-aleey.

ps: she's going into surgery on the eleventh. keep her in your prayers or thoughts or... or whatever it is you do. she'll be out of work for about a month. perhaps longer.

timing is everything.

well, all, (and by all i mean the internet, not any mysterious followers i've accrued) i'm back from chicago, and it was lovely, to say the least. and i'm listening to jason mraz 'coyotes' which always makes me happy, because there's the slightly "operatic" part that i found out (while seeing him live) he does himself, and by hell if that doesn't amuse me beyond all reason.

oh shite, i need to call aaron back. i forgot. all right, after i splurge on some blog writing for therapeutic purposes, i'll cozy up on the steps for ten minutes and discuss the ludicrous video he posted for me. rufus a tit man - sure, we'll go with that.

so ramblemumble on the past few days
eddie izzard
long drive to chicago
even longer drive to chicago
no, really, it was way long
so much snow
big hug for mario/from mario
my foot going numb (lead-foot ish)
taking the "orange line"
looking like a tourist
seeing downtown chicago
admiring the snow
itching to write, no materials
trees
beautiful trees
seriously beautiful trees
trekking to see beautiful things
saw day-breakers

segue about day-breakers
it was terrible. i mean really, really terrible. bad vampire movie times a million. something stupid, something ridiculous. it was funny, and i mean, willem dafoe saying "it's like bare-backing a five dollar whore" was great, something about "i love a good bbq" or sam neill's "shit happens, you don't die" because of being a vampire. it could've been better. the climax came too soon, it fell way to quickly, there were no real relate-able characters, and you sort of walked away feeling like it was stupid. i reiterate. stupid.

mmm, more jason mraz.

back to ramblemumble:
trekking through navy pier
to magnificent mile
bought new sneakers
(heels, snow, walking and chicago don't mesh)
cold air
really cold air
eddie izzard
OMG EDDIE IZZARD
joe frolicking down damen
lots of people
silly eddie
raptors
jazz chicken
eighteen foot spears
flicking off hitler's head
going back to mario's
peacing out
breakfast, bacon and eggs
knocked up
zombieland
the bean
wandering around the land of chicago
bar
drunk
bad train ride
sleep
woke up late
started driving late
sad farewell
sad farewell
one more sad farewell
wait, forgot my shoes
one more sad farewell
long drive
stuck in traffic
burritos
more eddie izzard
sleeping, sort of
the book i bought
lost in joe's car
got home at three-thirty
yeah, yeah, yeah.

in a nutshell, that is.

i want to try to play some final fantasy ix tonight... maybe. have to talk to oz, reassure him i love him and don't want to not be friends. silly people.

oh right. aaron. have to call him.

...things i didn't miss:
my phone
children
getting up early for work
people complaining
someone talking to me needlessly
insecurity
sleeping alone.

-aleey.

as if it couldn't suck more...

joanna's out of work for at least another week. my body is sore, i'm exhausted, it's terribly cold because my mother lives like a goddamn eskimo all year round, my brother and his drama is overwhelming, and i've got so little to do with my life these days, it's disappointing.

i'm pretty sure i'd love to go back to last night. just playing scrabble, drinking coffee and eating pie.

moments like that remind me that it's okay to be happy. but then days like today happen, when i'm doing all-day-monday-work by myself (which reminds me i forgot to do cafe payables), my heart is beating in my chest then stopping, i'm sick and tired of everything in my life resembling the stormy weather of fucking london and i think i'm going to pass out early just so i can wake up one am and go sit in a diner by myself.

i want to see or do or be or something tomorrow. it's my day off, one that won't be involving a hangover, and the last thought on my mind is to spend it by myself at home doing nothing, and though i do so love my mother, i need the fuck out of this house.

i love diana and felipe and the litter that is my mutt-like family, but not having my own life sort of drives me crazy. i'm trying to branch out. maybe if i move. maybe chicago will be so lovely for me... maybe, just maybe, just maybe.

dear boy,

i want to call you.

answer.

love,
that girl.

-aleey.

ps. regina spektor, rufus wainwright, dead poetic and bob dylan seem to mesh very well. it's lovely.

night?

NO SHIT, SHERLOCK.

although not a bad day in general, lots of confusing things happened throughout the duration of my eight hour shift.

karan came back; karan's our receiving manager. now, she's been out on medical leave for somewhere between three and five months (i don't really know when she went out, i went out in august, and she went out after me) and in her stead we brought in manhasset's manager mike.

we love mike. mike is gorgeous. with tattooes. and personality and charm. and he reads comic books, then lends them to people who want to read them. he's affable, gets along with everyone.

...not that karan doesn't, it's just different. he's also managed the receiving part of our store efficiently. changed a lot. and now with karan back and a new manager out at manhasset, he's sort of left in a limbo that none of us are fans of. he's going to be here through the holiday season, but they haven't given him any definitive answers about what and where and when he's going to be either shifting or not. we're all confused, and i won't lie - i want him to stay. partly because i'm selfish and want to be able to ogle him, but also because for days like monday when i'm opening and he's opening, it's just so much nicer to have someone to sit and talk to, someone in receiving who's dependable, and someone who doesn't kick cafe's doors open during their smoke breaks.

not to say we don't love karan. i was ecstatic to see her come back; she's one of my favorite people. she always gives us candy, buys us bread and peanut butter for peanut butter day, and when i sliced open my finger, she wrapped it up in awesome clear tape so i could watch the blood pool as i went to the hospital. mildly morbid, but i swear i mean it entirely in fun.

with all that said, i don't know what to think or hope for. i want mike to stay, but i want karan back as well. and we can't have two managers. so we don't know where he'll go if he doesn't stay here.

and that just sucks.

god forbid they put him in northport. then i'll seriously be showing up there at random, what with him and janet and dave and other dave all working there. it's like i'm swimming in northport half the time; that's not fun or clever.

on a slightly less horrifying note, tom and i came to the conclusion today (while we were hiding in the back breaking down boxes and letting jo and allie and naomi take care of customers and drink orders) that the phrases "i don't trust ___ as far as i can throw him/her" and "no shit sherlock" need to be fazed into our regular speech.

now, the first is easy to faze in and out. it's the latter that's more difficult because, come on, let's be honest. it's not very barnes and noble work-place friendly. but it's such a fun phrase, and i can't ever remember to use it! i wish i could, i wish i did.

so here's a mumblejumble of my thoughts from the day as the day went by:
seriously, vespa mugs?
i hate vespa mugs.
why are there more vespa mugs.
why are there more woodstock mugs.
WOODSTUCK MUGS.
REALLY.
vera bradley, cool.
did the milk company come yet?
good.
does daevon exist in this world?
i hate changing garbages.
this is re-donk, really.
nearly threw up in a garbage can.
"my guilty pleasure is terrible celebrity magazines"

segway for conversation of the day:
tom: "why is there so much moose munch?"
me: "well, you see, when a mommy moose munch and a daddy moose munch love each other very much..."
jo: "they get together and create MORE moose munch, then THAT moose munch becomes daddy and mommy moose munch too!"
tom: "...so what you're saying is there's no God?"
me: "...yes."
tom: "i'm glad moose munch is our logical proof."

back to ramblemumble:
so that david guy is quitting freals? kay.
marshall is fairly creepy.
holy crap john t. gave me a christmas card.
was there money?
no.
just a smiley face.
creeper.
at least he didn't smack my ass like he did jo's.
WHY DO WE STILL HAVE EGGNOG.
no, i'm going to bed now.
ate jo's famous dave's remains.
had bob dylan stuck in my head.
did not win a quarter from tom for knowing who the cure were.
sorry.
can i please take a nap now?
my ankle is swollen.
STOP COMPLAINING.
bakebakebakebakebakebakebake
wtf
is it "pretend to be your grandma day"?
oatmeal cookie after oatmeal cookie
decaf coffee after decaf coffee
naomi has adorable hats.
brooks has done a TERRIBLE job of hiring people who are
smart and good looking.
neither happens.
and if it does, they're not single.

all right, i'm done rambling for now.

-aleey.

p.s. i still really want to marry Hatter from SyFy's Alice.