"there's a new rule in cafe, aleey,

"you must be naked at all times. " -tomi

my evening resonated with an ominous feeling. i thought it was because i was dreading classes tomorrow because of my exhaustion and the fact that i've yet to finish that ten-page play. but now i feel like my heart has simply become concave against the back of my ribs. i can't even bring myself to say why, in fear of letting it be that much more of a reality.

not that it's the worst thing. at first, it wasn't. it was watching my mom walk into her bedroom saying "i've stopped hoping in a lot of things" that made everything erupt. i actually feel at a loss for words. those whole section tonight was meant to be happy-go-lucky, truly. quotes from the day, fun facts... moments worth mentioning. thoughts worth mentioning. hopes worth mentioning.

now i don't want to dilute this feeling with a false sense of felicity. if i dumb down this feeling with miniscule moments in my day it's just going to take away from the gravity of this.

what's insanity is just how easily my mother's reaction can utterly deflate anything i felt. and he's just... sitting there, laying there, sleeping... finally, i'm sure, but still. i almost want to be mad at him. say something. express the sudden anxious feeling i have in a hot-headed, ill-tempered way until it makes me feel better, but what good is that going to do?

now that my mother seems to be trying to deal with it and yet failing simultaneously, i have to try to hope, right? it happened once; i'm sure it can happen again. maybe this won't be as bad as it seems. maybe this won't wreck the next few days, or the hopes and plans i had for the near future. maybe it will. i can only really hope at this point. hope hope hope.

it's so hard to do though, when there's no real suggestion in sight; no real destination in the future. everything that you thought was good just disappeared with two simple words that i wish i could've clapped my hand over the mouth that uttered them of. in both a positive and sardonic way, i hope he's happy. satisfied.

but i hate this.

sigh.

so much for writing that stupid play tonight. guess i'll do it tomorrow morning, hopefully. guess we'll see. maybe i'll just skip the damn class. not sure it'd be worth going to it tomorrow anyway.

sigh. whatever.

thanks.

-aleey