"i'd wifey you up right now,"

legitimately goes down as one of the best things i've ever been told. i miss phil.

i forgot how happy james warren makes me. he's got to be the best human being ever. ever. today wasn't the best of days. i don't understand, entirely, why. something... rubbed me the wrong way. i dissipated to this fluff of... i guess, maybe, regret? i don't know why. it's so odd. i had this moment during the day when i just felt deflated entirely. when tomi hugged me, i had to hug her again, i needed it. i couldn't tell her. i couldn't moan and whimper and complain. but i needed it.

that's why i called james earlier. i'd written him a letter. a quick little thing, something i want to actually hand to him at one point. it was just a lot of love. all bundled in paragraphs. my heart always calms when i think of how he handled the crying, broken me on new years eve. how you made me laugh when someone i was dating hurt my feelings. the day i was having quite possibly the worst day of my life and sent me a message (unknowingly at the exact needed moment) that said this message is encrypted with love.

i'm slightly freaked out at the moment, watching criminal minds. why do i do this to myself? i don't know. i still really miss prentiss. it sucks that she died. and i don't know how i feel about the new girl. she's all right.

so on the list of things that i have never, will never or have ceased to care about, thus far, is:

*the william and kate movie.

*the fact that there is a william and kate movie.

*having a smart phone

*snow

*boys

*trying to figure out boys

*sleepless nights

*crying

*car commercials

*munsta cheese

*golf

*the word "like"

*sex and the city

*pizza with no flavor

*hands

*eyes

*people walking away

on this list of things i need back in my life:

*james warren

*dave slattery

*seriously... dave slattery

*poetry

*sleeping next to someone

*tomislava and wil

*real dreams

*promises

*possibilities

*A FUTURE

how do i explain that last one. i want to be a librarian. how obscure is that? i'm going to live in the big bad real world and melt away into what i already am. a cat lady. more of a cat lady, anyway. it's no wonder i can't keep a man! why am i so self-deprecating?! that needs to stop.

all right. strudel, do not save this anywhere. please.

i am

smart. funny. beautiful. tall. thin. entertaining. a nerd. a conversationalist. open. easy-going. good to talk to. batman obsessed. easily entertained. giggly. smiling often. a comforter. a listener. someone people can trust. a promise. a warm bundle of helpful. trying, really really hard to be myself unfailingly. a fan of dark chocolate. lover of steak. cheese fries. making my friends smile. too trusting. to easily smitten. into hand holding. a huge fan of the words atrocity, phantasm, freedom, believe, anywhichaway, splendiferous, truth, simultaneous, ha, cheese, mice, mouse, moose, green. a fan of scary movies, even though i have nightmares for days after. did i mention trying? a writer. an oscar wilde fan. a kurt vonnegut fan. a ray bradbury fan. an e.e cummings fan. constantly writing. making believe. a big fan of comedy.

take me with a grain of salt.

i want REAL FOOD. but i'm incredibly lazy. and not in the mood to move. i really want to cuddle with someone. well, i want to cuddle with bryan, but yeah. i think that may have set sail. it's weird how from one day i can feel like we're headed one way, and then the next day i can feel like he's ready to pretend i don't exist.

maybe? am i being too dramatic? i'm definitely not going to talk to him about it, because maybe i'm just female again. and goddamn does that happen often. that whole female thing. so confusing.

humhumhum.

i'm a chicken. someone shoot me before i make a fool of myself.

unrelated entirely --

i saw undeclared history, a play on campus. eh. it wasn't terrible. the first half wasn't as good as the second. i enjoyed "the trickster" character, played by some kid named ian. cyndi knows him. he was... fantastic. he did a great nixon. a great nixon. and they sang: "the world is a-changin'", "imagine" played on the piano for a bit, "for what it's worth" (stop hey what's that sound everybody look what's goin' down...), "war, what is it good for?" and i'm sure there were others.

the first half, like i said, had it's moments. i would've preferred if instead of them talking around each other, waiting for each other to finish on the different spiels the were giving, they would be more simultaneous. in the very beginning, diana started naming people that were killed. instead of having her continue with reading the names, she stopped to wait as someone else spoke. it wasn't the best i feel. i enjoyed some of it. the second half had a lot more poignancy. there were moments when i was so intrigued to see what would happen i was hoping i wouldn't be disappointed. i was, unfortunately, it was somewhat of a boring play, but again. it had moments. sort of like a full life, there were aspects that would stick with me. singing "for what it's worth" at the end was nice. i have an affinity for that song. anything that nixon did was entertaining. but only so much so. it was a big mishmosh of things. i could've been better worked, there could've been less accusations and less going on at once. it felt amateurish. it reminded me of a play that we had at queens.

oh gosh what was it called... "freedom high"

all right, segue quick second. i just had to look up susan einhorn to find the name of it. know how i knew it would work? because susan einhorn can't not put on a play that has a world or new york or america premiere. if it's been done, she won't do it. god forbid.

anyway.

it reminded me of freedom high, which wasn't terrible either. but was more put together than this was. it was also in a different time period i think. it was the civil war era. all i remember was dom running around on stage with a kkk hood on. scary. he was one of the best parts of it. Freedom High's cast features Farin Schlussel, Marvin Duverne, Joel Bernard, Marsha Reid, Ugo Eze, Elyse Price, Nick Radu, Jaysmar Bastien, Dominick Magnotta, Matthew Wood, Sonia Martins, Matthew Pimble, Jenna Guercio, Nick Riznyk, Monica Barczak and Amanda Shafran.

all of them. i miss all of them. i never thought i'd say it again, but i really miss queens college's theatre department. it was a lot of fun. snow in midsummer (and dallas mccurely) was great. our town was... okay, had she not taken my role from me for visiting my mother on her birthday, cinderella was horrifying. all i really remember is hugging aaron every time we had to listen to in my own little corner because i hated that song.

i also remember the last night. when sebastian, nick radu and jason ehrens mooned siri. oh GOSH. nick riznyk and i had our head in our hands, peeking through our fingers hoping she wouldn't fuck up on that last night's show.

she didn't. instead, she took the fan she was using (the part of the song was i'm a huntress on an african safari) and went to shoot at them each, completely unphased. she handled it way better than anyone else could've.

and who could forget, at the end of the opening song (the announcement scene, the whole the prince is giving a ball scene) instead of repeating the strange and surprising name like they were supposed to, i'm off stage and hear "face death?!" and i nearly fell about the place.

what else happened that day? oh! "i told this bamus to get us!" which made repole come backstage and wag his finger between act one and act two at brett and say no more shenanigans.

and who could forget "GRAAAAAAVYYY?"

that, and rizbones saying: the way she says that, she's gotta be putting a whole bunch of strange greek phonetic sounds in there.

oh, xenia...

i kind of miss it. i miss bones and smoke cigs and drinking soda and staying up late watching disney movies and supernatural and pretending that the actors aren't crazy. i miss max coming back drunk and hitting on siri. i miss the waltz. i miss watching snow in midsummer. marisa singing to total eclipse of the heart.

and watching dallas do the dance that aaron was supposed to do. and the day she just screamed at the people that were using our set, took them to security, and then they lied to security!

oh gosh.

qc. oh sweet, strange, terrible qc.

sigh.

all right. i'm going to go write a paper that's due tomorrow now.

probably.

<3

-aleey