magnanimously important.

and yet, entirely not at all.

i've been feeling off today. i accuse many a things, and yet it all comes back to how utterly easily it is to shatter what little self-esteem i establish for myself. which is problematic, because regardless of whether or not the cause of this downward spiral is my own, i blame myself for it, which gives me even less regard and even further deprecation to my being.

c'est la vie.

i can't get cattail down, by mewithoutYou out of my head.

it's terribly good.

i don't even really know why. i think its his voice, the style of the song. hauntingly beautiful would be the words i choose.

i've a significant dilemma on my hands. i promised manny and cos i'd go see port city play at a brewery in patchogue. but it's a: far and b: late at night.

and now my husband has offered to take me see a yankees game. box seats. not that either of us particularly care about sports, but it's the tempting fruit of spending time with him and not having to pay for anything that keeps me going. i don't know. manny might hate me if i bail, again. and i did promise him first. so he does have first rights.

maybe i'll ask him tomorrow. and see if he really hates me. hopefully the vote on that one is no.

i think i'm going to just sit here and write this paper, then sit here and read pages 1-150 of don quixote like i have all the time in the world. then i'll shower, go get my bio lab booklet, finish what's due for tomorrow, skim the notes for the to-do lab and then. i don't know. eat something or something.

elegant, al. real elegant.

the problem with having unrequited, completely unhinged feelings that there was no resolution for for someone is the affect it has on how i feel about other people. out of my slight perplexed fog comes the emergence of feelings toward someone who has been a friend/acquaintance for awhile. not someone i'd ever really thought entirely too much of, but was never not fond off. i know i had something of a tickling when i first met him when i did, and it was always nice seeing him, but i don't know.

maybe i'm just so incredibly incapable of keeping a man that it's impossible for me to view anything else than what i've ever had.

well, let's be honest now. i've dated quite the myriad of souls. from writers, to druids, to jews, to christians, to short, to tall, to black, to white. i have no particular sole desired mate. i take all of it on faith that this person will be there for the things that matter.

when i really think about, compatibility-wise, the likelihood of my affections of the particular person from before probably wasn't all that real. it was desire, sure, but let's be honest. what good was going to come from it?

steve is right in what i need. the only issue is, i am too scared to attempt attaining and i don't know how to do anything anymore. i have no backbone, no cockiness to speak of, no pride, no forwardness.

i wish i did. perhaps if i did, i wouldn't have let nearly two weeks go by without talking to him. but nerves and collapsing belief in attraction can do that to a person. mesmerized by the dangling sliver of hope i had, i disillusioned myself into thinking i'd managed to maintain the gaze of someone for more than a passing brief moment.

i suppose i was wrong, but i don't know. i'm too much of a coward to query.

query always reminds me of tom.

all of this utterly self-deprecating talk isn't helping my essay writing. and my eyes are getting blurry, so i should concede defeat and get back to work before i give up.

to the men and women that have their hearts on their sleeves and their bravery on their tongue,

may i someday gather some of your self-worth.

for the sake of my own.

please.