this kid, bryan. yeah, i really like him. he's pretty cool, tall, nice and funny, really intelligent and a great writer. i get inspired when i read his plays, or when i skimmed something else he'd been writing. but that's not just why i like him. i just feel that buzz. that adrenaline, the feeling you get when there's someone by you that makes you want to be more you, as if you show it more clearly on your skin they'll be better attracted to you. as if you let everything out into the air, they'll look at you and breathe you in and feel the same way.
and for a short while, i felt maybe. maybe he liked me back. even just a little bit. but now i don't know. and i don't know if i did something wrong, or said something idiotic, or babbled away too much to the point where his ears started to bleed and he couldn't take anymore of it. maybe i'm just too nerdy for him. or too flaky. 'cause let's been honest, who the hell wants to listen to some girl talk about trees? and the sky? and be so crazy artsy in her soul that she thinks incredibly differently.
no, i'm not saying i'm some kind of freak outcast. i'm not. but there is a part of me that's always trying to get out. i remember this one time i was in the car on my way to school with my mom and my brother, and i'd put in the amici forever cd. amici forever is this great opera band that i'd discovered one early morning at the diner (i was leaning against the tv area, waiting for more diners, and there'd been an infomercial for them). so i put in the cd. and whenever i listen to it my body ripples. i can feel everything moving through me, touching each nerve. so i told my mom and brother how it made me feel. and what happened?
they laughed.
i keep feeling different things, they make me feel differently, and i'm kept in my own box because really? who the hell cares anymore. i don't like sharing these things, these thoughts, because i go off on tangents. so i deflect to normality. or try to, anyway. but it always comes out. that strange nerdiness, that awkward human that i've always been inside shines through and i ruin my chances by being humanly flawed. again.
so i don't know what happened. i know strudel tried to find out, but the phrase i don't think half drunk and through proxy of a friend named after a pastry is the ideal way to have this conversation.
he doesn't need to say anything else.
psychologically speaking, that's his way of saying no, i don't like her. it'd be easier if he'd done that. when you're asked a fairly direct question, the answer can either be yes or no. when you don't directly answering the question, hide it within other things and other words and other thoughts, you're hiding the response that isn't ideal.
just give the response. let it just happen. i'm not heartbroken, so to speak. just confused. again.
it's not the end of the world obviously. i have a life and i live it. but i'm not someone who easily just jumps from person to person. it's a long process of me fighting myself over having feelings. unfortunately, my feelings and not my reasoning won out on this one. and i tried to hard. so i think i'll just stop there and now and eat my sausage mcgriddle (which i don't really like, because who puts syrup on savory foods?) and watch another movie until danie texts or calls me about today (if it's still happening).
which reminds me, i owe alex a day too. damnit. i got to get this week figured out. all right, quick overview of when i need to get stuff done and for what:
monday: read painted drum. think on essay. work four-to-close.
tuesday: start to rework play. if time allows, start essay on painted drum. work four-to-close.
wednesday: double at the bingo halls. won't have much school work time.
thursday: all day i'm off. so, i know i'm helping joey find a present for strudel. also, need to read history and start writing that paper (six-eight pages).
friday: no work again. work on papers, fine-tuning. read don quixote pages 1-150. ish. in between helping make the sponakopeta and ravani. mmm. greek food.
saturday: same as friday.
sunday: easter sunday! lots of eating, and sleeping.
monday: work 7-3, hang around a bit, drop off cyndi's stuff back at bill of rights, and out to denny's for corey's celebratory bacon meal.
tuesday i'm back at school.
i feel exhausted just thinking about this week. right now i'm converting all of my old cds onto the laptop. my brother put 53 random albums onto my phone for me yesterday. i plan on adding more once the transitions here are done. on the list of cd's that i've discovered today hiding in my house are:
newsboys, 38th parallel, skillet, old "stars" cd, incubus, fleet foxes, flobots, tfk, tori amos, josh groban, lily haydn, nbc soundtrack, all the classical music eric gave me, chase (can't wait to listen to chase again...), zeppelin, bad company.
freezing right now. guh. the wind is blowing away. i have so many cds to put on here... guhh.
my arms are covered in goosebumps. guh! all right, off i go. i need to shower at some point. soon, really. i need to get ready. danie doesn't let me leave the house if i don't look haflway decent as human beings go. which is sort of funny when you think of it... she makes me dress girly. strange strange strange.
all right.
off.
-aleey
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