composure.

i'm trying to have it as i write this. i don't want to be aggravated, hurt, devastated and explosive. it's hard not to be, though, when the situation at hand is something so painful. allow me, for a moment, to exclude this unmentioned-by-name person's past, and bring to light one of the most important people to me who now hates me (practically) and ignores anything anyone else has to say to him.

my younger brother.

pushing aside the fact that i've had one person i regarded as a brother return to calling me his cousin with no warning (which of course hurts), i'm losing my younger brother. or have lost him.

my aunt and cousin have been hurt by their son/brother's wife who has no interest in mending fences and continues to remain bitter and resentful toward them, regardless of their attempts to fix things. and now, with a baby in the picture, who my aunt still hasn't seen, it's even more clear that the one thing that she feared has happened. her son's wife won. she won. she got my aunt's son; she has him in kansas, and for a while, had him turned against his own mother. thankfully, things have been changing a little, and he's standing up for the fact that my aunt is indeed his mom, and nothing will change that, and that he does love her, so she needs to be a part of their child's life, which is a plus, but only so much so. it's still hard. it still hurts.

now, let's bring in the biggest factor of why i've all but completely lost my brother. his girlfriend. again, i reiterate, i'm going to ignore the fact of her past. which let's be honest, even when promised to never happen again, hasn't changed. it happened twice. and after awhile of talking to her, i was starting to try to be on her side of things. because a) my brother seemed to really care for her and b) she seemed truthful and was trying. but when she...

anyway. the reason i know she's won, is because my brother resents me. resents me family. he thinks i'm a bad person. he was honestly surprised when i hadn't told my parents that he'd been back with her since september. but it didn't matter. the fact that i hadn't said anything to him, nothing to him about the fact that i don't think giving a third or fourth chance with a girl who has knowingly cheated, went unnoticed. he called me a bad person, said he had no respect for me because of him past, and was surprised i hadn't opened my big-mouth to my parents. and then on top of that, when my parents sat down and talked to him, civilly, because they as parents are concerned for him, he got mad at them - and then his girlfriend trashed my family.

the truth of the matter is this and only this.

i'm hurt, because i've lost one of the smartest, wittiest, entertaining and enjoyable people to be around in my life. someone i've known since he was born, lived with, grew with, learned with, shared secrets with. when she first broke his heart over the summer, i was the one he talked to, literally shed tears to.

and because she can't move on, and because he's too comfortable, or because they love each other and enjoy being in a relationship where one physically cheats and the other emotionaly cheats, and because she doesn't like my family, he disregards the fact that our family is probably one of the most understanding families.

did they yell at him? scream at him? tell him to break up with her? no. they told him how they felt, and they're accepting it. they don't approve, but they're accepting. because they don't want to cause anymore waves. because guess what. they, like me, love him.

i. fucking. love. my. little. brother.

a whole fucking lot.

so why haven't i said anything to him? because he hates me already. why should i even bother? hmm? why should i even try.

he hates me. he'll always hate me. why? because i think his cheating whore of a girlfriend will only cheat again. or, bitch about my family to the point where he won't stick up for us. my family is trying. my dad's fine. my mom's working on being fine, but she was really hurt by his lies.

and me? i'm just... tired. really, really tired by the extent at which he's just... disregarded us entirely. and i understand why. he loves her. and she loves him. and i'm happy for him in that sense. do i want him to get back with my best friend? no. not at all. in fact, i want them to never have dated in the first place, because it wasn't good for either of them, and seeing her go through so much pain isn't good either.

the root of what i want to get at is this.

i
want
my
brother
back.

just for a second. i want that smile, the love, the fun times.

i want him to stop thinking i'm an idiot. i am scatter-brained sure. but not an idiot. i'm not a moron. i think for myself, i'm honest, i don't steal, cheat, i don't drink or smoke, and i'm a hard-working student. i've overcome some of the biggest trials in my life.

i lost one brother because, well, i don't even know why anymore. he just doesn't want anything to do with me. fine, whatever. it hurts, but i'm over it. he can be a flake for all i care. at least peter's honest.

it just hurts a lot more knowing that he thinks he's so right and refuses to try and forgive us.

date her. it's fine. if she proves herself, if she tries to become a part of our family, be someone we would love to have as a sister and daughter, then i'll eat my words of hurt and anger toward her.

but please, as a cry from a wounded and broken sister, don't forget us. because when you're in your most pain, we've always been there to help build you back up.

i just wish you hadn't forgotten that.

-aleey