difficult.

it's been difficult to eat. i tried earlier, and now i feel like throwing up.

i'm not as emotional as i was, say, yesterday around this time, but now i'm dealing with the aftermath of a bad break-up. it still hurts, i'm still in a rut, and i'm still worrying about him because i want him to be happy, but i'm still trying to make myself happy, and that's difficult. i don't want to get up and date anyone for awhile, and now i'm really going to be so careful and selective i'm a little scared whether or not there will be anyone else at this rate. it's gotten significantly harder for me to trust someone.

especially with sincere words like i love you. that'll be difficult for me to recognize and believe and put any sense of faith into.

i'll look forward to the day when it'll work out again, but for the time being, flying solo and buying cute dresses with a soon-to-be-pawned penguin necklace seems to be my station.

with all that said, i am.. happy. to an extent. content. in knowing that i didn't screw up, that he just didn't want to try anymore; something i truly didn't see coming. blindsided. that's what i was. blindsided by false hope.

hearing things like it was hard to say i love you and we had an expiration date and i can't be with someone like that hurts, but i'm better. already better. knowing that one day, someone who means i love you will be around and won't disappear at the first sigh of danger.

because dry spells happen to everyone. everyone has issues. my parents do sometimes too. and it takes time for everything to even out, for problems to be worked through. he wasn't willing to work through them.

so now i have to feel liberated, and it's hard when i know i still love him. because it sucks having your heart ripped out, spat on and thrown away.

but whatever. as pigeon john so dutifully said, life goes on.

not matter if your life is tattered and you can't fix what went wrong, life goes on.
not matter if your life is battered, you're a hook in your own theme song, life goes on.
your a fighter but the grip is tighter and you know that you can't stand long, life goes on.
but it's gonna get brighter, life goes on.

-aleey