here it goes, here it goes again.

i'm glad he's happy. i'm not glad he's happy without me, but i guess that's the price i pay for not being good enough.

here we go:

i'm tired of being the girl who people get bored of. i'm tired of finding myself alone because something new and shiny, better and more loveable comes along. i don't want him to pity me, i want him to think back to that first date.

pizza we barely touched, quoting emporer's new groove to the point that jamal hated us, sean sitting in the room with us as we sang disney songs and shyly avoided kissing each other. me dropping him off at home and saying "would you like to kiss me?" and then him doing it.

or the first time he spent the night. we didn't sleep. we watched monster's inc., muppets from space and james and the giant peach.

or the drawing he had of me, that day at his house.

here's a clump of things i remember, of us and of him:
rush 2112
him liking KISS when he was younger
how when he's in a bad mood, he listens to heavy metal
bloomers
rorschach and dead pool (a nut and a fool...)
jinx, you owe me a soda
the eiffel tower made of rifles (neither of us remembered what this was about, though)
tickle fighting
wrestling
archer
playing EBA
just keep swimming, just keep swimming
the night he stayed up to talk me down from being scared after paranormal activity two
the secrets i told him, and only him
love
love
love

watching project runway.

i must've been terrible. i shouldn't have made fun of him as much as i did. i should've tried harder.

maybe he'd still be here.

all of my wishing and dreaming doesn't do any good. and in all honesty, i have been doing better. i just miss it. it was... well, hell. it was special. and i liked it. and i took advantage of it. and i ended up not being what he wanted.

which is apparently my stigma in life. so i'm getting used to it.

but i have been doing better. i've been laughing, smiling, and doing my best to keep focused and busy. but i never give up hope, because even though he says "i'll never get back with someone i broke up with" i can pretend that maybe what we had was good enough to make him go back on that. because like i said in that conversation, the first ever that we had, i'd take him in a heart beat.

he really was that good.

unrelated:

i have papers to write and oh man it's getting crazy. i want to eat something but i'm still in a not so hungry mood and i need sweatpants so i can get cozy.

and i think i'll take a nap in a few, instead of reading for class tomorrow. i'm not worried though. i should also text franz and like him know i can't hang tomorrow, since i'll have no car.

gil, i love you. how pathetic am i.

-aleey