get the cool

get the cool shoe shine.

they do the bump.

feathers of an arrow.

i think my ipod and i are just in sync lately. re-bought "the sound" by further seems forever.

have "jim's theme" from that movie treasure planet.

i feel like dance, dance, dancing.

maybe.

oy! school!

i should sleep.

...please, snow, stop.

please.

-aleey.

so let me explain.

my mom is one of the most amazing people to ever walk this planet.

having her, in a hospital bed, helpless, and alone at night, is not my ideal predicament.

seeing her laying in that hospital bed breaks my heart. watching her move, in pain, around her room, sort of kills me inside. i hate it. i hate this whole... fucked up stupidity.

i really do.

anyway.

i miss her. i really do. i think life just isn't the same without her here. i love her smile, her laugh, everything. i just can't deal with her not being here, it's driving me up the wall.

on another note, i cried today at work a few times. also, james is amazing. he sent me a random text, (right when i was mid-tears mind you) that just said: "this text is encrypted with love."

i couldn't even respond that's how much i just... i just needed something really quick and simple like that. it made me smile. he bypassed all the frivolous, the stupid and mundane, the routine "how're you", and got straight to the point, and the point was to make me smile, and make me smile it did.

i was told i was beautiful today by a customer. that also made my day brighter. and by the end of my shift (and after a particularly well-made triple tall marble mocha macchiato with raspberry and non-fat milk and extra chocolate drizzle) i was feeling significantly better.

there was so much more that i had intended to be in this update... what can i say. i'm possibly no longer enrolled in school because there was a mix-up with my financial aid. literally may be screwed over. i hate it. that letter broke my heart today; right before work none the less.

however... i am so in love with the random shuffle of music that's been happening on my itouch. i have so little music on there, but all of it (minus the majority of the d-sides gorillaz album that i'm sure will just take some time for me to love) makes me smile.

saw a ghost of dave slattery earlier this week. caught me off guard. it obviously wasn't him, dave is in ireland. but. it made me wonder how he is.

too bad i'm too chicken to email him again; it just didn't end well.

which is a shame. i hate it.

i'm such a coward - oy!

valentines day! FUCK.

i'm not looking forward to that at all. don't get me wrong; i'm not some pompous moron who believes that all of these hallmark holidays are as superfluous as the people who celebrity them (okay, maybe a little bit). i just don't want to close. and not feel loved.

well. "not feel loved" is a bit over dramatic. i know i'm loved.

but who doesn't want a soft kiss on a day that's supposedly ridiculously romantic?

whatever.

the gorillaz and i have a lovely date with some penne ala vodka from diana's horrible day she had last night and the last few episodes of dead like me (which is great. go watch it.)

i think i'm going to make a list of sorts sometime soon... things that still really make me happy.

unfiltered, of course.

adieu? for now.

only for now.

-aleey.

ps. hey, smile. you're breathing, right?

so, right.

today started fine, with class and home and showering and work, but then i don't know... work took off in this negative way, and now i'm just...

i don't know. i don't want to go in tomorrow, i don't want to see people, i sort of just want to cry, the problem is there's no reason behind... any of it.

i want to see you.

is hating myself appropriate when there's no good reason to not?

fuck i sound like a whiny depressed bitch.

i don't mean to. my life isn't terrible.

i just.

whatever.

-aleey.

"let me be frank." "all right frank, let me be bullwinkle."

not that it has anything to do with the complicated feelings coursing through me, making it difficult to breathe.

ever feel like a weight is sitting on you, pressing you down, making it so every single microscopic moment you live and every single millisecond you spend is now being judged and scrutinized by one of the most important people? that's how i feel. i'm this huge box of inexplicable emotions, this pandora's cage of the beating of my heart and i can't find a way out.

i love her. i do. i love her whole-heartedly. and feeling like i'm the hugest disappointment since atheists in her eyes makes my heart sink to my stomach. i'm not good enough. i'm not good enough for her. i'm not good enough for her adoration, for her full respect.

that's what it feels like. it feels like i'm suddenly the worst child in the world again. and that's saying something, considering up until recently, she and i had been on a very flat and level plain. and then diana pointed out the most blaring-obvious truth that i must have been blinded to all this time: i really can't tell her everything.

i've viewed her as my best friend; professed that i can trust her, that she's one of my shoulders to cry on, and now all of sudden she just... she isn't. i love her so much, and i want that strong, trusting relationship, and i know that it's built slowly over time and with care and love but... but i thought so much more of this, and all of a sudden she's just...

stopped.

it's all just stopped. all of a sudden i'm no longer good enough. and some of it stems from the fact that i have trouble grasping the solidity she finds in christianity. it just isn't for me, at least not now, not with all of these questions, and if i had the clarity and the profound faith that she did, it'd be different. but i don't, and i haven't, for awhile.

and they always say that doing things just for others is wrong. i can't keep pretending to be christian for her. i can't. i could hide it all i wanted to, go to church, keep up the facade, and do what i really wanted behind her back, but what's worse? hiding? or feeling accepted.

accepted.

i'm not doing drugs, i'm not having promiscuous sex, jesus - the guy i'm "seeing" lives in chicago for god sake. i don't get to do anything more than just talk to him.

side-note: it's definitely saying something when "just talking" to someone is enough to make me happy. end side-note.

i can't even cry over this. i can't. part of me just wants to run the fuck away and hope that someday she'll want to love and accept me regardless of what and who i do and don't believe in. maybe just maybe having decent morals, a good disposition and a healthy work attitude will be enough.

i hate feeling this way. i absolutely, positively hate it. i just... i wish i could fix it, i wish i could mend those fences. it's like that time i was in ireland, when i came back and she was... broken.

being me seems to be the root of the problem. but why do i have to hide who i am to the people who i thought would accept me no matter what? why do i feel like pretending to be what and who they want and need me to be is the only way i'll be able to see her smile?

i can't. i can't do that. i refuse to. i've grown the backbone she always told me to grow.

too bad it had to be in response to... well, to her.

...this fucking sucks.

-aleey.

ps: she's going into surgery on the eleventh. keep her in your prayers or thoughts or... or whatever it is you do. she'll be out of work for about a month. perhaps longer.