anger.

or, aggravation. really.

things that tip me over the edge include:

when brooks decides to just leave plates on the counter, instead of walking to three feet to the dishwasher.

when customers ask me for stupid drinks.

when my stomach gets all knotted and refuses to let me eat.

when i have horrible dreams.

when i get stepped on (physically, it's unpleasant...)

when terrible people play great, iconic characters in tv shows or movies and RUIN them.

cockroaches. ew.

being cold with goosebumps.

having a cold and/or cough.

-- moving on --

so yesterday wasn't bad. i snuggled forever on the couch, napped, watched lots of nothing. went to work and whined about not having cake balls (don't ask, if you don't know, just know they're delicious) and then got sent home at ten.

segue: the wind tunnel at my job hates me. and, well, everyone. but i think me in particular. i couldn't walk forward for a good few seconds because of how powerful it was. - end segue.

my toes are kind of cold... they keep getting that slight numb, tingling feeling.

my old book idea is still burning in my head, but i keep getting discouraged. only a few people know the extent of it (actually... i think maybe two? and one i don't talk to all that often anymore, 'cause he got a girlfriend and i had a boyfriend haha. that, and his band practices in crazy amounts.)

i guess, without someone behind me, saying do it do it do it do it do it it's hard to feel motivated. but then again, i've been getting lazier these past two weeks. i need to pick up my game again. once i hang out with steve, i'm sure i'll feel rejuvenated. somehow his show-off-ness (jokiiing) always makes me feel like moving and doing things.

kat made a copy of the "mumford and sons" album for me. so. good. dear. god.

i've been on a practically liquid-diet these past few weeks. i wonder if i weigh less... curious.

i need someone to cuddle up next to and kiss, quasi-soon. but not too soon, 'cause i might pretend their gil o.O haha.

i wish today were warmer.. i'd wear a skirt. i think i'll do that on friday. 'cause i have a real quick visit to qc to drop off deposits, then meg's coming out to shoot video, so i want to look nice. (: i still remember, right around this time last year was when she made that music video to "only exception" with mario. it came out really nice.

on formspring, they asked randomly "if you could put any fortune in a fortune cookie, what would it be?"

it'd be "you will smile soon."

because it'd make the person smile, and come true.

the idea of it makes me smile.

so, hey, buck up people.

smile. life's not that serious. (this is all to my subconscious, by the way)

i've never believed in "sometimes it's not meant for right now" as much as i do now, but i also believe in "sometimes you just have to wait, it'll happen."

i get that you're supposed to be avidly searching, but at the same time, you're not.

you have to be open to life. that's how i fell for gil. who knows, maybe i'll get lucky.

maybe i'll meet someone the same way.

maybe i'll fall in love.

OR maybe i'll turn into a cat lady with eighty cats and smelling like oatmeal, hoping for diana's son felipe to take care of the both of us as we die slowly...

wow that's morbid. okay, i'm going to laze about still. watch some tv. then get ready.

STEVE DAY. i'm excited.

-aleey

ps. remember. smile.

here it goes, here it goes again.

i'm glad he's happy. i'm not glad he's happy without me, but i guess that's the price i pay for not being good enough.

here we go:

i'm tired of being the girl who people get bored of. i'm tired of finding myself alone because something new and shiny, better and more loveable comes along. i don't want him to pity me, i want him to think back to that first date.

pizza we barely touched, quoting emporer's new groove to the point that jamal hated us, sean sitting in the room with us as we sang disney songs and shyly avoided kissing each other. me dropping him off at home and saying "would you like to kiss me?" and then him doing it.

or the first time he spent the night. we didn't sleep. we watched monster's inc., muppets from space and james and the giant peach.

or the drawing he had of me, that day at his house.

here's a clump of things i remember, of us and of him:
rush 2112
him liking KISS when he was younger
how when he's in a bad mood, he listens to heavy metal
bloomers
rorschach and dead pool (a nut and a fool...)
jinx, you owe me a soda
the eiffel tower made of rifles (neither of us remembered what this was about, though)
tickle fighting
wrestling
archer
playing EBA
just keep swimming, just keep swimming
the night he stayed up to talk me down from being scared after paranormal activity two
the secrets i told him, and only him
love
love
love

watching project runway.

i must've been terrible. i shouldn't have made fun of him as much as i did. i should've tried harder.

maybe he'd still be here.

all of my wishing and dreaming doesn't do any good. and in all honesty, i have been doing better. i just miss it. it was... well, hell. it was special. and i liked it. and i took advantage of it. and i ended up not being what he wanted.

which is apparently my stigma in life. so i'm getting used to it.

but i have been doing better. i've been laughing, smiling, and doing my best to keep focused and busy. but i never give up hope, because even though he says "i'll never get back with someone i broke up with" i can pretend that maybe what we had was good enough to make him go back on that. because like i said in that conversation, the first ever that we had, i'd take him in a heart beat.

he really was that good.

unrelated:

i have papers to write and oh man it's getting crazy. i want to eat something but i'm still in a not so hungry mood and i need sweatpants so i can get cozy.

and i think i'll take a nap in a few, instead of reading for class tomorrow. i'm not worried though. i should also text franz and like him know i can't hang tomorrow, since i'll have no car.

gil, i love you. how pathetic am i.

-aleey

difficult.

it's been difficult to eat. i tried earlier, and now i feel like throwing up.

i'm not as emotional as i was, say, yesterday around this time, but now i'm dealing with the aftermath of a bad break-up. it still hurts, i'm still in a rut, and i'm still worrying about him because i want him to be happy, but i'm still trying to make myself happy, and that's difficult. i don't want to get up and date anyone for awhile, and now i'm really going to be so careful and selective i'm a little scared whether or not there will be anyone else at this rate. it's gotten significantly harder for me to trust someone.

especially with sincere words like i love you. that'll be difficult for me to recognize and believe and put any sense of faith into.

i'll look forward to the day when it'll work out again, but for the time being, flying solo and buying cute dresses with a soon-to-be-pawned penguin necklace seems to be my station.

with all that said, i am.. happy. to an extent. content. in knowing that i didn't screw up, that he just didn't want to try anymore; something i truly didn't see coming. blindsided. that's what i was. blindsided by false hope.

hearing things like it was hard to say i love you and we had an expiration date and i can't be with someone like that hurts, but i'm better. already better. knowing that one day, someone who means i love you will be around and won't disappear at the first sigh of danger.

because dry spells happen to everyone. everyone has issues. my parents do sometimes too. and it takes time for everything to even out, for problems to be worked through. he wasn't willing to work through them.

so now i have to feel liberated, and it's hard when i know i still love him. because it sucks having your heart ripped out, spat on and thrown away.

but whatever. as pigeon john so dutifully said, life goes on.

not matter if your life is tattered and you can't fix what went wrong, life goes on.
not matter if your life is battered, you're a hook in your own theme song, life goes on.
your a fighter but the grip is tighter and you know that you can't stand long, life goes on.
but it's gonna get brighter, life goes on.

-aleey