get the cool

get the cool shoe shine.

they do the bump.

feathers of an arrow.

i think my ipod and i are just in sync lately. re-bought "the sound" by further seems forever.

have "jim's theme" from that movie treasure planet.

i feel like dance, dance, dancing.

maybe.

oy! school!

i should sleep.

...please, snow, stop.

please.

-aleey.

so let me explain.

my mom is one of the most amazing people to ever walk this planet.

having her, in a hospital bed, helpless, and alone at night, is not my ideal predicament.

seeing her laying in that hospital bed breaks my heart. watching her move, in pain, around her room, sort of kills me inside. i hate it. i hate this whole... fucked up stupidity.

i really do.

anyway.

i miss her. i really do. i think life just isn't the same without her here. i love her smile, her laugh, everything. i just can't deal with her not being here, it's driving me up the wall.

on another note, i cried today at work a few times. also, james is amazing. he sent me a random text, (right when i was mid-tears mind you) that just said: "this text is encrypted with love."

i couldn't even respond that's how much i just... i just needed something really quick and simple like that. it made me smile. he bypassed all the frivolous, the stupid and mundane, the routine "how're you", and got straight to the point, and the point was to make me smile, and make me smile it did.

i was told i was beautiful today by a customer. that also made my day brighter. and by the end of my shift (and after a particularly well-made triple tall marble mocha macchiato with raspberry and non-fat milk and extra chocolate drizzle) i was feeling significantly better.

there was so much more that i had intended to be in this update... what can i say. i'm possibly no longer enrolled in school because there was a mix-up with my financial aid. literally may be screwed over. i hate it. that letter broke my heart today; right before work none the less.

however... i am so in love with the random shuffle of music that's been happening on my itouch. i have so little music on there, but all of it (minus the majority of the d-sides gorillaz album that i'm sure will just take some time for me to love) makes me smile.

saw a ghost of dave slattery earlier this week. caught me off guard. it obviously wasn't him, dave is in ireland. but. it made me wonder how he is.

too bad i'm too chicken to email him again; it just didn't end well.

which is a shame. i hate it.

i'm such a coward - oy!

valentines day! FUCK.

i'm not looking forward to that at all. don't get me wrong; i'm not some pompous moron who believes that all of these hallmark holidays are as superfluous as the people who celebrity them (okay, maybe a little bit). i just don't want to close. and not feel loved.

well. "not feel loved" is a bit over dramatic. i know i'm loved.

but who doesn't want a soft kiss on a day that's supposedly ridiculously romantic?

whatever.

the gorillaz and i have a lovely date with some penne ala vodka from diana's horrible day she had last night and the last few episodes of dead like me (which is great. go watch it.)

i think i'm going to make a list of sorts sometime soon... things that still really make me happy.

unfiltered, of course.

adieu? for now.

only for now.

-aleey.

ps. hey, smile. you're breathing, right?

so, right.

today started fine, with class and home and showering and work, but then i don't know... work took off in this negative way, and now i'm just...

i don't know. i don't want to go in tomorrow, i don't want to see people, i sort of just want to cry, the problem is there's no reason behind... any of it.

i want to see you.

is hating myself appropriate when there's no good reason to not?

fuck i sound like a whiny depressed bitch.

i don't mean to. my life isn't terrible.

i just.

whatever.

-aleey.

"let me be frank." "all right frank, let me be bullwinkle."

not that it has anything to do with the complicated feelings coursing through me, making it difficult to breathe.

ever feel like a weight is sitting on you, pressing you down, making it so every single microscopic moment you live and every single millisecond you spend is now being judged and scrutinized by one of the most important people? that's how i feel. i'm this huge box of inexplicable emotions, this pandora's cage of the beating of my heart and i can't find a way out.

i love her. i do. i love her whole-heartedly. and feeling like i'm the hugest disappointment since atheists in her eyes makes my heart sink to my stomach. i'm not good enough. i'm not good enough for her. i'm not good enough for her adoration, for her full respect.

that's what it feels like. it feels like i'm suddenly the worst child in the world again. and that's saying something, considering up until recently, she and i had been on a very flat and level plain. and then diana pointed out the most blaring-obvious truth that i must have been blinded to all this time: i really can't tell her everything.

i've viewed her as my best friend; professed that i can trust her, that she's one of my shoulders to cry on, and now all of sudden she just... she isn't. i love her so much, and i want that strong, trusting relationship, and i know that it's built slowly over time and with care and love but... but i thought so much more of this, and all of a sudden she's just...

stopped.

it's all just stopped. all of a sudden i'm no longer good enough. and some of it stems from the fact that i have trouble grasping the solidity she finds in christianity. it just isn't for me, at least not now, not with all of these questions, and if i had the clarity and the profound faith that she did, it'd be different. but i don't, and i haven't, for awhile.

and they always say that doing things just for others is wrong. i can't keep pretending to be christian for her. i can't. i could hide it all i wanted to, go to church, keep up the facade, and do what i really wanted behind her back, but what's worse? hiding? or feeling accepted.

accepted.

i'm not doing drugs, i'm not having promiscuous sex, jesus - the guy i'm "seeing" lives in chicago for god sake. i don't get to do anything more than just talk to him.

side-note: it's definitely saying something when "just talking" to someone is enough to make me happy. end side-note.

i can't even cry over this. i can't. part of me just wants to run the fuck away and hope that someday she'll want to love and accept me regardless of what and who i do and don't believe in. maybe just maybe having decent morals, a good disposition and a healthy work attitude will be enough.

i hate feeling this way. i absolutely, positively hate it. i just... i wish i could fix it, i wish i could mend those fences. it's like that time i was in ireland, when i came back and she was... broken.

being me seems to be the root of the problem. but why do i have to hide who i am to the people who i thought would accept me no matter what? why do i feel like pretending to be what and who they want and need me to be is the only way i'll be able to see her smile?

i can't. i can't do that. i refuse to. i've grown the backbone she always told me to grow.

too bad it had to be in response to... well, to her.

...this fucking sucks.

-aleey.

ps: she's going into surgery on the eleventh. keep her in your prayers or thoughts or... or whatever it is you do. she'll be out of work for about a month. perhaps longer.

explain this cage

i don't think i understand things so much anymore. i mean, i realize that i'm in a good place.. but for some reason it doesn't seem good enough for anyone else.

i know being just content isn't something i should "dwell in" so to speak, but i'm happy where i am. happier than i've been in a while. and yet... i feel like i'm this huge disappointment to anyone and everyone, and i'm tired of feeling as if i can't be good at a damn thing. i'm just failing. i'm terrible, it seems. but, not enough so that it effects me. as in, i'm at the point where regardless of whether or not i feel like people are disappointed in my life choices, i don't... i don't care enough.

i've made these decisions on my own, i've carved out my own life. is it entirely what i dreamed of, no. but am i happy with a job, a house to live in, an amazing family and great friends? yes. yes i am.

there isn't anything else i really want right now.

at all.

so vibes get the fuck off my shit. i'm tired of feeling you creeping in, i'm happy, i'm smiling, and i don't need all of that.

i don't.

thanks.

-aleey.

so, fine.

not "so fine", as in "that person's ass is so fine." so, fine. as in, so, fine, whatever?

kind of.

i'm freezing at the moment. i went from practically sweating my limbs off at work in a sea of clothing that i don't like wearing to freezing in the same clothes. i want to shower so badly, but i'm so lazy and this stupid kidney-esque infection is starting to drive me crazy. i want it to go away. if it isn't gone by saturday, i'm going to the doctor. because not-fun things happen.

i hope no one really reads this... because i'm about to be unbelievably open about something only a few people really know the extent of.

i'm bisexual. and right now, i just want a girlfriend so badly, it's starting to drive me while. the few guys that i like right now are either out of reach, not interested, or both. and sure, i'd probably jump at a chance to be with one of them, but i really just... want a cute girlfriend to kiss.

unrelated.

work is getting old to me. i love my job, i do. but i'm getting so tired of everything.

i have a serious goal. to own something.

it'll happen.

...okay, going to write and read.

BYE. :3

-aleey.

thirteenseconds poem and why life

thirteenseconds
she was quiet, oh so quiet
don't say it, don't be it, don't breathe it
she was quiet... so quiet.
thirteenseconds
of time passed and it was just enough
just enough of a thought
and after thought
and inner though and outer thought and
fucking fear and suddenly
you're too goddamn scared all the goddamn time
she says
she says it so loud i can't hear it anymore
all i hear is her voice
and i quiver
thirteenseconds
of my fucking fears
growing deep in the pit of my stomach
a mistake so quick so fast so horrible
damnit, damnit, damnit, damnitdamnitdamnit
my dreams melting down into those
cracks
fucking fear cracks, that's what they are
cracks of fear crinkling over my
subconscious
and my skeleton quivers
my fucking bones
marrow and tendons and ligaments and
everything makes me feel sick to my stomach
she laughs, smiles, laughs, says things
lots of things
i don't hear them
i can't hear them
they're in her voice
and it kills me that it's not to me
she's saying so many things
too many things, too many things and too many more things
thirteenseconds
was my goodbye, fucking goodbye
in less than half of half of a minute
and watching i remember why
and why not
and who and who not
no, no more, no thanks
skinskinskinskinskin on more skin
smooth and soft and warm but
so far, not mine
not mine
just
thirteenseconds.

yeah, in a mood folks. work was sort of... whatever. hobbit visited with frito, and that was nice, i don't get to see either of them enough. and there was some talk of them getting me drunk off my ass sometime soon. and that's not good. i do stupid shit when i'm drunk... and god knows i'm a moron half the world's time as is, i don't need to keep giving myself more chances to make dumb mistakes.

are there smart mistakes? i know there are "happy accidents" (aka children).

my head hurts. there's someone i'm missing terribly, but i can't be obvious, because every time that i'm too obvious and weird, i drive people away. and i don't want to drive anyone else away, i just want to be happy and feel happy, so i'm kicking myself for thinking i'm not, cause i am.

i just feel like a failure. everyone keeps saying go to school, go to school, get your degree and i get it, i left school for a bit, i need that break. i get it. it wasn't too smart. but no one's perfect. i hate feeling like i'm not good enough. and with my dad at dinner saying all of those "both of my kids could get a's, if they tried, but they're both so goal-less, they don't have the drive" thanks i get it, i don't have the drive i get it i know i know i know i know i fucking know that i'm nothing in this world these days. it makes sense, too, i think. feeling like a failure. but i don't unless other people seem disappointed.

i, as myself, in myself, with myself, don't feel like a failure. i feel like a fucking twenty-one year old who is taking her goddamn time doing everything she can to be happy, going at my own pace. i could still graduate before i'm even twenty-three if i really wanted to, be on my way to grad school and the like if i get some grades tricked around. i could also not go back to school and slum around broadway for a job as an extra hand or a stage hand or a stage manager. but what i really want to do is open a cafe and have conversations with people who disagree with america's display of capitalism and who read literature and who love oscar wilde and kafka and hume in his weird way and enjoy listening to other people read poetry and stories and sing songs and strum on guitar strongs that are going to break.

why can't life be where it should be at all times, instead of stuck in different states around the country.

why.

visiting dave tomorrow... which is going to be interesting. it'll be the first time i hang out with him since i've, y'know, officially moved on in a way. it doesn't help that i'm going to be there, wishing he were a someone in a someplace with some kind of dark curly hair. but am i just thinking too much in my box again? always,always,always with my commas and my punctuation.

i think i really miss vernon, too, because he always gives the best hugs and the biggest smiles and does this head-cocked-to-the-side thing whenever he's impersonating me, and god he knows me better than anyone when it comes to my insides. he reads my heart like a third-grade girl reads nancy drew in a haste to be a sleuth herself.

dreaming of a body next to me, but not enough to let it control me.

unrelated: the gorillaz really are awesome. every time a new song of theirs pops up on my ipod i'm just like "wow... i keep forgetting how good these guys really are."

like "12d3." which is my favorite right now, followed closely by "latin simone" and some song about sunshine in a bag.

going back to reading... might try to write a story or five. have work at seven tomorrow.

movement from this comfortable bed isn't an option. sorry. unless you love me enough to kiss my forehead.

then maybe i'll move. maybemaybemaybe.

-aleey.