mere.

mere is an elegant word to me. i don't exactly know why.

anyway.

the mere fact that my mother has, somehow, let her unhappiness sink into the very marrow of her bones means that no one, and i mean no one, can truly smile and be happy in the house. it's like there's a heavy weight in the air. it's her aura, and when her aura is like that, it fucks everything up.

everything.

i can't even feel happy, i feel like crying. the woman believes herself to be a failure with my brother and i, but she isn't, i thank her for the way she raised me. i've made my own decisions, they aren't her fault when they come out wrong, or her guidance when they come out right. i've decided them on my own; she instilled in me the set of morals and rules i guide my life on, i am the final say in the matter.

however, acting like this, sour and hurt and unable to remain as loving and motherly as she did and has and will certainly again, that's when she fails us. she doesn't realize the effect she has on us. she doesn't see just how much it hurts, knowing she feels this way - because then we feel like disappointments.

at least, i do. my brother is a fucking moron who is lucky he knows how to breathe some days, but, again, that's another story.

i'm just tired. i have to work these next three days (today included), and then have to go into queens on tuesday for school purposes, and i'm fairly certain my goddamn head is going to fall the fuck right off at this point.

the book i'm reading, however, is good. grab on to me tightly as if i knew the way by bryan charles. it's delicious. and poetic. fun, and youthful. very much from the mind of a high school student.

whatever, i'm tired. workworkworkworkworkwork sucks.

-aleey.