achoo.

i have law and order: svu on in the background right now. it's disturbing. the time on my laptop is off by an hour. i just fixed it. (how mundane is this opening? man, i'm getting more boring then i thought possible.)

so i'm sick at the moment. not extremely sick, just enough to make me tired and feel like my body doesn't want to move at all. i'm just incredibly tired. my head hurts and i feel a bit nauseas at the moment. i just want to be able to sleep tonight. maybe i'll take a sleeping pill so i can get a long, good nights rest. it's significantly needed. and right now, i'm just so happy that i didn't have anything other than work today.

okay, so there's this guy on screen right now. he's freaking me out. he's a crazy pedophile. gross. he's touching all of these hats and knowing exactly who it belonged to. he sniffs them. they're all from kids he molested. and quite possibly killed.

this is strange. i feel like i'm... all here, for once. but not? why am i such a melodramatic fool? because i can be, that's why.

i hate certain smells. like whatever it is my mom made for dinner. (i didn't eat it; i ate bagel bites.) it's some kind of sausage i think. but it makes me feel gross. sick to my stomach. it's not helping what's going on inside my body right now.

my head feels like it's swollen.

and i'm dizzy.

ever want something so much you imagined you could feel it so often that when it happened, it's appeal is lost and there's nothing keeping that original spark striking against your heart? maybe, i don't know. i overwork my imagination. and i try too hard at it.

i desperately want shrimp. thanks, taco bell commercial, for your suggestions.

part of me wants to see source code. but not, simultaneously.

i think i really, really want someone beautifully tall to bend down, wrap an arm around my waist, put a hand at the back of my head, pull me close and kiss me until my knees buckle.

thanks.

-aleey

"he's the boy you're thinking of for the week"

as painfully true as this statement is, i love the person who said it regardless of the sting it brought. (don't be misled, it wasn't that much of a sting ha.)

without further ado, i begin the post of all posts dedicated to the one, the only, the amazing: strudel. toaster's strudel, that is. (bond, james bond.)

how to begin to articulate my affections for this particular little bundle of hyperactive, lesbian joy. strudel, whose real name i shan't use for the sake of... i don't know, whatever reason you can fathom. strudel is one of my best friends, and has been (with the neglect of a few scant years in between when i was insufferable as a human being) since tenth grade in high school.

she's fantastic. of course, this goes without saying.

we met my first day of high school. she was the only person to talk to me of their own free will. i was the new girl, starting in the middle of the year at freeport. and i was scared. what if all of those horrible public high school 80s movies were right? what if i got ridiculed, hurt, abused - all of these things were running through my mind. (none of these things happened to me, by the way. my high school was the antithesis to every stereotypical movie.) but as the day droned on, i had less to show for it. finally, living environment happened. and this punky, green-haired girl in a blue sweatshirt who sat on the otherside of the room hopped over a bunch of desks and said hi.

it blossomed from there. a cult was born from a chicken wing and a locker, jak and jaik tormented aprons and ed's. mary jane's went from hate to love to hate to love to rogue to hate to love in jaik's bathroom with a blow dryer. purrtling was a beautiful thing because cats say purr and turtles say... turtle.



you should never touch outlets, it was our main concern (though we both did...) and eventually we'll find jesus. closets weren't safe, chorus was hell but loved and stage crew was our life. we ruined so many relationships in high school... let's be honest, we were homewreckers. terrible people. (but the cool kind, that wrote bad poetry and dressed like punkrockgoths who listened to too much green day and secretly loved too much backstreet boys.)

creative writing was our sanctum, where we could be as free as anything. we'd stay late after school in the chorus wing until we had nothing left to do, make fun of the nazi's until we were blue in the face and paint and desecrate her room with designs that would make her mother think we were insane.

fiancees, boyfriends, girlfriends, asylums... we went through everything. literally.

but none of this is a tribute to her character, her amazingness.

whenever i have or have had a problem, she'll be there for me. helping me, listening to me, giving me love advice... about boys, even though she's not attracted to them anymore. to car accidents, to slurpys at midnight, to fudge! to hot chocolates, and crowding barnes and noble aisles with our friends. to stalking prospect girlfriends in the mall and making fun of the posers that litter the walkways.

to sitting in the middle of the bridges between the foodcourt and hot topic. to comparing our strange ways in life, to singing to cee lo green angrily and loud in the car while joe tries to cut people off. she does this amazing thing when i feel terrible (especially when she doesn't even know) and texts me her love and humongous hugs via messaging. or whenever she just shows up at my job and works with hobbit to kidnap me for the sake of buffalo wings.

our conversations always leave me feeling happy, and smiling. i realize, because of miss lovely strudel, that in life, as much as i want to be with someone and have a solid single loving monogamous relationship with a cute boy, i don't need boys. it's not a necessity. i can die an old, single bitty with too many cats so long as i have friends like her in my life to be there to play cards and make fun of ugly children with.

did i mention that she gives the best hugs ever? they're like warmth and hot brownies all melty rolled up in a huge peachy ball of strudel, wrapped around your midsection. and we save each other's lives so often, it's hard not to just never want to not be friends with her.

we've had our ups and downs, for sure. and there have been issues of mis-communication (and accusations of boyfriend-stealing - UNFOUNDED :3) and of course there have been lies spread (i swear... i never did heroine in high school, and no, she and i never dated...) but we've survived.

she's always made me smile. and she always will. and the way she sees the world through her crazy glasses always makes everything... better. entertaining. listening to each other's crazy tends to make us better people and keep us grounded.

and if she ever says to you that beauty and the beast is about a homosexual clock and sex, she is lying. however, atlantis: the lost empire is totally about sex. poor mitosis milo...

mitosis milo! and the ill-ass lawyers in living environment with our skeezy teacher with the jaik skeleton in his closet and shifty, shady eyes. and "you've got a little something there..." on that girl next to us. and mutilating the chicken wing, because he refused to give strudel the wedding in vegas she wanted to have.

really? this whole post is just solely about how freaking amazing strudel is, has been and will always be to me, for me and in life as a whole. what else is there i can say about her? let's see.

i can't even think of some of our best quotes.

suffice to say, strudel is awesome. get over it, she'll just always be better than you.

always.

-aleey

(ps, update-on-life blogpost may come.. later. at some point.)

follow your hah-art, you're intuition.

i've come to realize that nearly all of my titles are exactly what i'm thinking right before i decide to write in this. it's odd. i wonder how often i think of these things otherwise... not much, i'd say.

unless they're movie quotes, in which case, probably fairly often.

i'm, for once, completely unfettered with relaxation. it's been so long since i didn't feel pressured to be perfect school-wise, and i'm exhausted by how relaxing it feels. the only thing in the back of my head is my play. or, the ten pages due for my play. i have no idea when i'm going to write it. sigh.

i'm hungry, but not too hungry, thirsty but not too thirsty and ultimately exhausted. i want to check out from the conscious world, but i felt it necessary that i jot down a few things first.

i didn't write my poem for today. however, i did manage to write hobbit his letter. and i received a very lovely hug-text from strudel that made me smile so big it hurt. i was a little perturb in the middle of the day, what with the realization that hey, i'm not a good friend (again), but i got over it. not a big deal.

i can't be perfect for everyone. and as harsh as it sounds, there are levels of people who come first in my life. generally family, and my closest friends. i prioritize my life around spending time with the people i hold dear. that's why meg and i had a blast this weekend, why jo and i have plans for later, why joe and i always have plans for wednesdays and why whenever hobbit and corey are like SO YEAH i'm like HELL YEAH.

it's my life. i love it. i can't keep letting little things drag me down. sure, i wish i could be that perfect friend for everyone. but i guess i just feel more comfortable with other people at all times. more open. like with joanna. and meghan. and definitely hobbit and corey.

it's difficult to add people to that level of my friends. i'm open with all of my friends, but not trusting. it's weird.

i'm kind of... just ready to twirl around until i fall, dizzy.

that sounds lovely.

night, world.

-aleey

well, aren't you a tall glass of water.

oh god, and is he ever. well this song i'm obsessed with pretty much describes how i feel. which is, as usual, disturbing. but so true. i've found out a few things these past few days that play a part in a few of my friendships. nothing too crazy, but just enough to make me think a few things through. it really makes me cautious on how to proceed. i think i'll need to just be wary of what i'm doing. i have to confront someone, soon. i'm in a good place these days. i want to make a list of doable things to get done in the near future. some things fun, some things useful. just. a list. let's see. we'll start with tomorrow. monday: go to classes (obviously.) rush over to manhasset and pick up the ludicrous book i need for class. go to work, start to read said book. write a new poem. download a new song or band that someone recommends. kiss someone on the cheek who isn't someone who regularly gets their cheek kissed from me (ie, no family, hobbit, corey, cindy) sleep. tuesday: classes (AGAIN.) but before classes, read ceremony through a bit more. bio. fun. meet up with cyndi (who i've decided to start calling sweat pea) at bits playwriting native lit work. (with louisa) all right, so with those days pretty jam-packed as is, not too much emotional or mental productivity will take place, but i'll make something more realistic for the rest of the week. i'm writing this paper for my bio class. oh gosh, i swear half of these words are all made up. they must be. really really must be. ridiculous. sigh. i have to admit, though. i'm learing a lot about the marfan syndrome. which is something i'd heard about because a friend of mine, brittany, has it. she'd posted something about it on her facebook, and i was intrigued. looking at her, i would've never suspected something like that. i'm always curious if it's painful. i think that's what i'm most unsure of, only because so far in the article i have, it hasn't said anything of the sort. well, it has implied that the financial and mental strains of this particular syndrome can be so taxing that it may cause emotional pain, but physical? it is a lack of connective tissue within the body and an elongation of limbs, as well as an unfixable eyesight myopia that causes the people problems in general. it's intriguing to say the least. yep. my brain is officially mush. mushmushmushmushmush. i'm exhausted. i want to take a nap right now. but this needs to get done already. so sleepy. well, i'm going to get off this damned thing now. i'll post up a link of the finished music vid that meg made tomorrow, once it finishes itself. -aleey

where's your head at, son?

i'm with meg this weekend. we spent the majority of yesterday passed out in her room. the latter part of the evening was spent at dave and busters for her birthday celebration, where i got a little tipsy or buzzed. but their LIT was week and the only other alcohol i had was a shot of jameson. so, yeah. not exactly the limelight of drunkness for me.

i've been doing a lot of pondering. it's... simply what i do at times like these.

i am reminded of the weekend before aaron and i got together. but only vaguely, because no circumstance is ever the same the second time around (nor are the people, of course.)

it's been a fun weekend though. and i'm so unprepared for school this week. tonight will be spent with me, reading and writing a paper for bio and finishing my bio homework. then tomorrow will be spent, after classes, going over to manhasset store to get "ceremony" by silko to read for tuesday's class. so i'm excited. and then on tuesday i get my bio test back, have play writing work to mock up and have native american lit, followed by - you guessed it - work.

at least i have the weekend off next week. i'm excited about maybe doing something adventurous. it should be good, but... who knows.

maybe i'll plan something with hobbit, v, robbie and them. mike's on vacation that week, so i'm sure he'll be done for anything interesting to. and i can wrangle up stragglers around the parts. i could even go off and bother other people, who i haven't seen in awhile.

aha! which leads me to the fun moments that may possibly occur monday or tuesday night at work.

the best way to start this is by asking (if you're reading, of course, and more so for my subconscious to truly ponder the meaning of): was there ever that person, that one person, who was always around, who you always had feelings for (even if just a little bit) who caught your attention that you never thought anything would happen with?

that's this guy, to me.

his name's tom. we've known each other for about five years now, courtesy of queens college. but we've only hung out a few times. and at one point, for a short brief time, we hung out quite a bit. and got pretty damn close to dating. as in, i think we sort of might have been dating. but i don't know, it all sort of fell through the cracks.

and i only saw him once after that (he periodically likes to visit me at my job; which is always nice.)

so he and i caught up a bit, and we're going to be meeting up (or he's going to come a-visiting) on monday or tuesday night. but i have the hardest time reading people.

i have the hardest time with everything emotional these days. i suck at it, which is fantastic for spectators, but for me it's pretty damn lousy.

meg's back with breakfast. i'll write more later.

-aleey

will i lost my dignity? will someone care?

haha, like i have dignity. ...or shame.

i can't remember who it was, but i was recently talking with someone who equally has no shame. i think it was the guy last night. whose name i don't remember. uhuhuh. he was with reid and i think another guy whose name i don't remember. so, yeah. ha?

i'm so exhausted. i think. i finally got to sleep today; courtesy of ms. cyndi. i got to school around nine and just... passed out on her bed. for about four hours. which is good. i needed it. and meghan's coming to get me from my house later today, and then we're going to see CJ's band. who knows. maybe it'll be more awesome than it already can be.

i have to text manny later, to let him know i won't be able to make their rehearsal since i'm going to an actual gig. which makes me sad, i haven't seen marcus and cos in awhile. and i haven't met their new band member yet. the uh, bassist. yes. bassist. it'll be fun to meet him i feel. but, gig tonight! cj's band! at... uh, adelphi...? yes.

my brain is so frazzled. i'm on overload.

i saw suckerpunch last night. significantly terrible. yet great, simultaneously. i have to admit, i don't know how i'd felt about it if i'd gone by myself. but having corey on one side and cyndi on the other was what made it great. things we saw in the film:

matrix
big daddies (bioshock reference)
zombie nazis (so, call of duty mixed with L4D)
gundams
booster swords
final fantasy xiii references
inception (it was a dream, in a dream. not kidding.)
moulin rouge (which i still haven't seen)
black swan

i think there were more things in it, i just can't recall them...

i just have to say that corey nelson (aka brocules) is one of the most amazing, smart and helpful people ever. he and hobbit always make me feel better about anything i'm going through. not that i'm going through anything particularly trying, but, yes. it'll be interesting watching my life move on.

sigh.

my head hurts. i still haven't eaten, but i'm not terribly hungry (nor was i particularly interested in the student center's offerings...) so now i'm just tired all over again. i hope i stay awake tonight. i should wear something more gig-friendly. maybe i'll wear that cute dress i got.

ehhhh. maybe not.

i want to get asked out on a real date. that's all i kind of want right now.

but whatever. i think i need to stalk wil some. i haven't heard from him/seen him in months, and it's not fair. nor is the fact that, despite the fact that tomi and i attend the same damn school, i never see her either. at least they see each other, right? but lesigh. i must must must see them soon.

i'm sort of chilly here in the lab. and bored.

and writing a play for class. that i have no inspiration for. my brain is having a hard time comprehending a lot.

so, rawr.

exhausted! hungry! things that must be remedied!

sigh! go listen to jaymay "gray or blue" asap. it's beautiful.

-aleey

oh, remember.

smile. you're never fully dressed without a smile.

(does that imply that if you're naked and smiling, you can be considered fully dressed?)

(i can hear cyndi in my head saying "aleey... aleey stop it. you're thinking way too much about this.)

DONE NOW BYE.

idiots.

the world is full of them.

and after a really fun day, i want to not have to deal with any.

but the person i'm dealing with isn't an idiot.

they're just hurtful.

so, whatever. i really do not give a damn.

i know i'm a terrible friend. i do.

but i try. and i may not always be good at what i attempt, but i try.

sorry i'm not perfect.

again.

-aleey