anger.

or, aggravation. really.

things that tip me over the edge include:

when brooks decides to just leave plates on the counter, instead of walking to three feet to the dishwasher.

when customers ask me for stupid drinks.

when my stomach gets all knotted and refuses to let me eat.

when i have horrible dreams.

when i get stepped on (physically, it's unpleasant...)

when terrible people play great, iconic characters in tv shows or movies and RUIN them.

cockroaches. ew.

being cold with goosebumps.

having a cold and/or cough.

-- moving on --

so yesterday wasn't bad. i snuggled forever on the couch, napped, watched lots of nothing. went to work and whined about not having cake balls (don't ask, if you don't know, just know they're delicious) and then got sent home at ten.

segue: the wind tunnel at my job hates me. and, well, everyone. but i think me in particular. i couldn't walk forward for a good few seconds because of how powerful it was. - end segue.

my toes are kind of cold... they keep getting that slight numb, tingling feeling.

my old book idea is still burning in my head, but i keep getting discouraged. only a few people know the extent of it (actually... i think maybe two? and one i don't talk to all that often anymore, 'cause he got a girlfriend and i had a boyfriend haha. that, and his band practices in crazy amounts.)

i guess, without someone behind me, saying do it do it do it do it do it it's hard to feel motivated. but then again, i've been getting lazier these past two weeks. i need to pick up my game again. once i hang out with steve, i'm sure i'll feel rejuvenated. somehow his show-off-ness (jokiiing) always makes me feel like moving and doing things.

kat made a copy of the "mumford and sons" album for me. so. good. dear. god.

i've been on a practically liquid-diet these past few weeks. i wonder if i weigh less... curious.

i need someone to cuddle up next to and kiss, quasi-soon. but not too soon, 'cause i might pretend their gil o.O haha.

i wish today were warmer.. i'd wear a skirt. i think i'll do that on friday. 'cause i have a real quick visit to qc to drop off deposits, then meg's coming out to shoot video, so i want to look nice. (: i still remember, right around this time last year was when she made that music video to "only exception" with mario. it came out really nice.

on formspring, they asked randomly "if you could put any fortune in a fortune cookie, what would it be?"

it'd be "you will smile soon."

because it'd make the person smile, and come true.

the idea of it makes me smile.

so, hey, buck up people.

smile. life's not that serious. (this is all to my subconscious, by the way)

i've never believed in "sometimes it's not meant for right now" as much as i do now, but i also believe in "sometimes you just have to wait, it'll happen."

i get that you're supposed to be avidly searching, but at the same time, you're not.

you have to be open to life. that's how i fell for gil. who knows, maybe i'll get lucky.

maybe i'll meet someone the same way.

maybe i'll fall in love.

OR maybe i'll turn into a cat lady with eighty cats and smelling like oatmeal, hoping for diana's son felipe to take care of the both of us as we die slowly...

wow that's morbid. okay, i'm going to laze about still. watch some tv. then get ready.

STEVE DAY. i'm excited.

-aleey

ps. remember. smile.

here it goes, here it goes again.

i'm glad he's happy. i'm not glad he's happy without me, but i guess that's the price i pay for not being good enough.

here we go:

i'm tired of being the girl who people get bored of. i'm tired of finding myself alone because something new and shiny, better and more loveable comes along. i don't want him to pity me, i want him to think back to that first date.

pizza we barely touched, quoting emporer's new groove to the point that jamal hated us, sean sitting in the room with us as we sang disney songs and shyly avoided kissing each other. me dropping him off at home and saying "would you like to kiss me?" and then him doing it.

or the first time he spent the night. we didn't sleep. we watched monster's inc., muppets from space and james and the giant peach.

or the drawing he had of me, that day at his house.

here's a clump of things i remember, of us and of him:
rush 2112
him liking KISS when he was younger
how when he's in a bad mood, he listens to heavy metal
bloomers
rorschach and dead pool (a nut and a fool...)
jinx, you owe me a soda
the eiffel tower made of rifles (neither of us remembered what this was about, though)
tickle fighting
wrestling
archer
playing EBA
just keep swimming, just keep swimming
the night he stayed up to talk me down from being scared after paranormal activity two
the secrets i told him, and only him
love
love
love

watching project runway.

i must've been terrible. i shouldn't have made fun of him as much as i did. i should've tried harder.

maybe he'd still be here.

all of my wishing and dreaming doesn't do any good. and in all honesty, i have been doing better. i just miss it. it was... well, hell. it was special. and i liked it. and i took advantage of it. and i ended up not being what he wanted.

which is apparently my stigma in life. so i'm getting used to it.

but i have been doing better. i've been laughing, smiling, and doing my best to keep focused and busy. but i never give up hope, because even though he says "i'll never get back with someone i broke up with" i can pretend that maybe what we had was good enough to make him go back on that. because like i said in that conversation, the first ever that we had, i'd take him in a heart beat.

he really was that good.

unrelated:

i have papers to write and oh man it's getting crazy. i want to eat something but i'm still in a not so hungry mood and i need sweatpants so i can get cozy.

and i think i'll take a nap in a few, instead of reading for class tomorrow. i'm not worried though. i should also text franz and like him know i can't hang tomorrow, since i'll have no car.

gil, i love you. how pathetic am i.

-aleey

difficult.

it's been difficult to eat. i tried earlier, and now i feel like throwing up.

i'm not as emotional as i was, say, yesterday around this time, but now i'm dealing with the aftermath of a bad break-up. it still hurts, i'm still in a rut, and i'm still worrying about him because i want him to be happy, but i'm still trying to make myself happy, and that's difficult. i don't want to get up and date anyone for awhile, and now i'm really going to be so careful and selective i'm a little scared whether or not there will be anyone else at this rate. it's gotten significantly harder for me to trust someone.

especially with sincere words like i love you. that'll be difficult for me to recognize and believe and put any sense of faith into.

i'll look forward to the day when it'll work out again, but for the time being, flying solo and buying cute dresses with a soon-to-be-pawned penguin necklace seems to be my station.

with all that said, i am.. happy. to an extent. content. in knowing that i didn't screw up, that he just didn't want to try anymore; something i truly didn't see coming. blindsided. that's what i was. blindsided by false hope.

hearing things like it was hard to say i love you and we had an expiration date and i can't be with someone like that hurts, but i'm better. already better. knowing that one day, someone who means i love you will be around and won't disappear at the first sigh of danger.

because dry spells happen to everyone. everyone has issues. my parents do sometimes too. and it takes time for everything to even out, for problems to be worked through. he wasn't willing to work through them.

so now i have to feel liberated, and it's hard when i know i still love him. because it sucks having your heart ripped out, spat on and thrown away.

but whatever. as pigeon john so dutifully said, life goes on.

not matter if your life is tattered and you can't fix what went wrong, life goes on.
not matter if your life is battered, you're a hook in your own theme song, life goes on.
your a fighter but the grip is tighter and you know that you can't stand long, life goes on.
but it's gonna get brighter, life goes on.

-aleey

composure.

i'm trying to have it as i write this. i don't want to be aggravated, hurt, devastated and explosive. it's hard not to be, though, when the situation at hand is something so painful. allow me, for a moment, to exclude this unmentioned-by-name person's past, and bring to light one of the most important people to me who now hates me (practically) and ignores anything anyone else has to say to him.

my younger brother.

pushing aside the fact that i've had one person i regarded as a brother return to calling me his cousin with no warning (which of course hurts), i'm losing my younger brother. or have lost him.

my aunt and cousin have been hurt by their son/brother's wife who has no interest in mending fences and continues to remain bitter and resentful toward them, regardless of their attempts to fix things. and now, with a baby in the picture, who my aunt still hasn't seen, it's even more clear that the one thing that she feared has happened. her son's wife won. she won. she got my aunt's son; she has him in kansas, and for a while, had him turned against his own mother. thankfully, things have been changing a little, and he's standing up for the fact that my aunt is indeed his mom, and nothing will change that, and that he does love her, so she needs to be a part of their child's life, which is a plus, but only so much so. it's still hard. it still hurts.

now, let's bring in the biggest factor of why i've all but completely lost my brother. his girlfriend. again, i reiterate, i'm going to ignore the fact of her past. which let's be honest, even when promised to never happen again, hasn't changed. it happened twice. and after awhile of talking to her, i was starting to try to be on her side of things. because a) my brother seemed to really care for her and b) she seemed truthful and was trying. but when she...

anyway. the reason i know she's won, is because my brother resents me. resents me family. he thinks i'm a bad person. he was honestly surprised when i hadn't told my parents that he'd been back with her since september. but it didn't matter. the fact that i hadn't said anything to him, nothing to him about the fact that i don't think giving a third or fourth chance with a girl who has knowingly cheated, went unnoticed. he called me a bad person, said he had no respect for me because of him past, and was surprised i hadn't opened my big-mouth to my parents. and then on top of that, when my parents sat down and talked to him, civilly, because they as parents are concerned for him, he got mad at them - and then his girlfriend trashed my family.

the truth of the matter is this and only this.

i'm hurt, because i've lost one of the smartest, wittiest, entertaining and enjoyable people to be around in my life. someone i've known since he was born, lived with, grew with, learned with, shared secrets with. when she first broke his heart over the summer, i was the one he talked to, literally shed tears to.

and because she can't move on, and because he's too comfortable, or because they love each other and enjoy being in a relationship where one physically cheats and the other emotionaly cheats, and because she doesn't like my family, he disregards the fact that our family is probably one of the most understanding families.

did they yell at him? scream at him? tell him to break up with her? no. they told him how they felt, and they're accepting it. they don't approve, but they're accepting. because they don't want to cause anymore waves. because guess what. they, like me, love him.

i. fucking. love. my. little. brother.

a whole fucking lot.

so why haven't i said anything to him? because he hates me already. why should i even bother? hmm? why should i even try.

he hates me. he'll always hate me. why? because i think his cheating whore of a girlfriend will only cheat again. or, bitch about my family to the point where he won't stick up for us. my family is trying. my dad's fine. my mom's working on being fine, but she was really hurt by his lies.

and me? i'm just... tired. really, really tired by the extent at which he's just... disregarded us entirely. and i understand why. he loves her. and she loves him. and i'm happy for him in that sense. do i want him to get back with my best friend? no. not at all. in fact, i want them to never have dated in the first place, because it wasn't good for either of them, and seeing her go through so much pain isn't good either.

the root of what i want to get at is this.

i
want
my
brother
back.

just for a second. i want that smile, the love, the fun times.

i want him to stop thinking i'm an idiot. i am scatter-brained sure. but not an idiot. i'm not a moron. i think for myself, i'm honest, i don't steal, cheat, i don't drink or smoke, and i'm a hard-working student. i've overcome some of the biggest trials in my life.

i lost one brother because, well, i don't even know why anymore. he just doesn't want anything to do with me. fine, whatever. it hurts, but i'm over it. he can be a flake for all i care. at least peter's honest.

it just hurts a lot more knowing that he thinks he's so right and refuses to try and forgive us.

date her. it's fine. if she proves herself, if she tries to become a part of our family, be someone we would love to have as a sister and daughter, then i'll eat my words of hurt and anger toward her.

but please, as a cry from a wounded and broken sister, don't forget us. because when you're in your most pain, we've always been there to help build you back up.

i just wish you hadn't forgotten that.

-aleey

"she needs to come back to work full time..."

"...for more quality time."

the face i gave my boss must have been something akin to someone who had not only seen a ghost, but that ghost was the worst person ever to have been apart of their life. at least, his responsive laughter told me so. "just kidding, its sarcasm al."

i was not amused at that idea. there are few people on this planet that i can't stand so much so that i want to ring their neck on a regular basis; this particular girl is one of them. i nearly throttled her several times today... but restrained myself, obviously, as you can see i am not in jail. i am at home however.

and finally feeling a little cooled down, courtesy of the ac blasting in the living room. mm.

also very loudly in my headphones i am listening to trombone shorty, because jesus knows he's fantastic. love this cd and love his music. he's my newest obsession. it's sad.

i was thinking about it, and i don't really know why, but i'm in a terribly amazing move today. something to do with yesterday i think. i got to spend it, all day, with great friends. jo and i met up at barnes and noble, read, then went to see toy story 3, met up with hobbit, ate a scrumdiliumptious bar (which, by the way, was scrumdiliumptious), then watched fireworks and jumped on my trampoline. all in all a great day.

so far i've no plans for later tonight, but i have every intention of remedying that fact. perhaps i'll don a cute skirt and do something with danie, who knows! i've got to do something though, it's beautiful outside and i've yet to do anything... maybe i'll jump on my pogostick some. considering that's always good fun.

you know, it's difficult sort of having feelings for two people. especially when you get along with both of them, and one seems interested, and another you're so uncertain of it's like teetering on a fence that leads one way to sharks and the other to daisies. and i don't like being forward, because i know i'm not exactly a "catch" by standard means. i'm pretty, lean, whatever, et cetera, et cetera, but that doesn't mean i'm gorgeous. i'm weird, i've got all these cooky aspects to my personality, and i'm stranger than most... but hey, i'm interesting?

i think what's really bothering me is i just want someone to... talk to. i've got my best friends, but i want someone to share the stupid things with. the funny things with. someone i can share each moment with, not just several people who will get different sets of things that we both find entertaining, entertaining.

like todays manboob-lactation. or the girl who drives me crazy. and so many other things. like seeing john, and feeling amazing at the idea of collaborating with someone music wise. all of these things drive me bonkers... and i just wish i could find someone, y'know?

but not in that "oh lordy send someone please, i'm so desperate" sort of way, because i am happy where i am, i would just like someone there. it's comfortable, nice to have someone to sit in the arms of, hold hands with, kiss from time to time.

listen. i'm a chick. keep your insults at bay.

well, enough of that sappy nonsense... onto slightly depressing nonsense?

...oy. not depressing. it's just... i was at work, and whenever i'm breaking down boxes, for some reason i always think of... i don't know. christian. and that worries me, that i think so much about him, that i wish so much to come from that... when i know it probably never will. but... he's my brother. i don't know, getting older makes me wish i just knew him and john keith, even though it seems like it'll never happen. well. yeah. haha.

uhm.

trombone shorty is better than this post... go listen to hurricane storm, it's amazing.

hum. i'd like to be kissed sometime soon. humhum.

hurrah.

-aleey.

oh, death. oh, oh, death. won't you spare me over. for another year.

a while ago i started a list of things i wanted to do before i died. now, considering i've preached that i was gonna die sometime before i was twenty-three, this list now needs to be completed within roughly a year and a half, or so. so let's see! i have to update the list, hm? i don't even remember it anymore.

well, i guess it doesn't matter. i don't actually believe i'm going to die soon, so, ha.

so far as updates on my actual life go, things are pretty smooth sailing. i've officially been accepted and set-up with classes at hofstra, and that's a nice little consolation prize after the long break i took from school. work sucks, but that's just normal at this point. i'm trying to get a new job... but that fire is no longer lit, now that i plan on returning to school full time in the fall. tom insists that i'm going to be bored out of my mind working only once a week. i guess we'll see how it goes.

i don't want to have to pull all-nighters, but i'm going to need money... if it means working the weekends and a few nights a week, so be it. it sucks, going to school nine-five each day but what am i gonna do? i want to graduate at some point, i want to drop school like a bad habit at one point.

however...

hmmm.

you are my sweetest downfall
i loved you first, i loved you first
beneath the stars came fallin' on our heads
but they're just old light, they're just old light

i love regina spektor. sigh.

the dishwasher is whirring away, i've got hey arnold to watch, and i think i may be able to con a nice looking guy to come visit me.

not really, but a girl can dream ;)

ha. i'm such a cornball.

oh! i was perusing old posts (and/or old blogs) and found the penn pipers singing "down by the salley gardens" and i got chills.

god i miss ireland so much. i'm hoping dave (irish dave) will message me back at some point. i'd love to see how he is.

oh, and here's dead poetic blasting oh so sweetly.

time to relax. (: adieu, mon cheres.

-elie

sleepy.

nothing i'm putting here will matter, ha, i'm just so bored i'm writing in this.

so hi and bye and goodnight.

"say goodnight grace."
"goodnight grace!"

-aleey