and they're off

finished my paper, in record time no less. not that it's cohesive. i don't remember any of it. is that sad? if i get a shitty grade i won't be surprised. it's a not-so-great paper.

anthony's making fun of me. because my life is so boring that i'm talking about a paper i wrote. he doesn't understand how mundane my life is. and how utterly boring this blog is! i talk about nothing! like cheese and pants and boys and ireland.

a lot.

and post dancing videos.

often.

and now i want something with cheese. mmmmm. cheese.

hungry.

damnit anthony! I BLAME YOU RIGHT NOW.

yes you.

you're reading over my shoulder.

i blame you for being hungry. it's obviously now your fault.

because you made me think of cheese. duh.

so?

all right. this is redonk right now. gonna go meet up with mike.

ciao!

-aleey

talking to you.

stop, hey, what's that sound? everybody look what's going down.

please.

ramalamabangbang. roisin murphy.

i always think of the roisin dubh.

i dreamt of slattery last night. of ireland. of green grass, and good meals and sleeping in that freezing room. of the beachside, of the university of galways food, of play rehearsals, of irish mexican food. i dreamt of everything i miss over there. like the bands in the pubs. or the way people were too nice. the phrase take away. the little bike shops. the internet cafe. the tattoo shop where pam got her tattoo.

i'm incredibly hungry right now. and i have to meet up with mike before history. and i need to finish this paper.

what the hell am i doing. get off your blog aleey. get on that damn paper.

it needs to be done.

hey guess what?

...

chicken butt.

yeah, i'm five. shaddup.

-aleey

"i'd wifey you up right now,"

legitimately goes down as one of the best things i've ever been told. i miss phil.

i forgot how happy james warren makes me. he's got to be the best human being ever. ever. today wasn't the best of days. i don't understand, entirely, why. something... rubbed me the wrong way. i dissipated to this fluff of... i guess, maybe, regret? i don't know why. it's so odd. i had this moment during the day when i just felt deflated entirely. when tomi hugged me, i had to hug her again, i needed it. i couldn't tell her. i couldn't moan and whimper and complain. but i needed it.

that's why i called james earlier. i'd written him a letter. a quick little thing, something i want to actually hand to him at one point. it was just a lot of love. all bundled in paragraphs. my heart always calms when i think of how he handled the crying, broken me on new years eve. how you made me laugh when someone i was dating hurt my feelings. the day i was having quite possibly the worst day of my life and sent me a message (unknowingly at the exact needed moment) that said this message is encrypted with love.

i'm slightly freaked out at the moment, watching criminal minds. why do i do this to myself? i don't know. i still really miss prentiss. it sucks that she died. and i don't know how i feel about the new girl. she's all right.

so on the list of things that i have never, will never or have ceased to care about, thus far, is:

*the william and kate movie.

*the fact that there is a william and kate movie.

*having a smart phone

*snow

*boys

*trying to figure out boys

*sleepless nights

*crying

*car commercials

*munsta cheese

*golf

*the word "like"

*sex and the city

*pizza with no flavor

*hands

*eyes

*people walking away

on this list of things i need back in my life:

*james warren

*dave slattery

*seriously... dave slattery

*poetry

*sleeping next to someone

*tomislava and wil

*real dreams

*promises

*possibilities

*A FUTURE

how do i explain that last one. i want to be a librarian. how obscure is that? i'm going to live in the big bad real world and melt away into what i already am. a cat lady. more of a cat lady, anyway. it's no wonder i can't keep a man! why am i so self-deprecating?! that needs to stop.

all right. strudel, do not save this anywhere. please.

i am

smart. funny. beautiful. tall. thin. entertaining. a nerd. a conversationalist. open. easy-going. good to talk to. batman obsessed. easily entertained. giggly. smiling often. a comforter. a listener. someone people can trust. a promise. a warm bundle of helpful. trying, really really hard to be myself unfailingly. a fan of dark chocolate. lover of steak. cheese fries. making my friends smile. too trusting. to easily smitten. into hand holding. a huge fan of the words atrocity, phantasm, freedom, believe, anywhichaway, splendiferous, truth, simultaneous, ha, cheese, mice, mouse, moose, green. a fan of scary movies, even though i have nightmares for days after. did i mention trying? a writer. an oscar wilde fan. a kurt vonnegut fan. a ray bradbury fan. an e.e cummings fan. constantly writing. making believe. a big fan of comedy.

take me with a grain of salt.

i want REAL FOOD. but i'm incredibly lazy. and not in the mood to move. i really want to cuddle with someone. well, i want to cuddle with bryan, but yeah. i think that may have set sail. it's weird how from one day i can feel like we're headed one way, and then the next day i can feel like he's ready to pretend i don't exist.

maybe? am i being too dramatic? i'm definitely not going to talk to him about it, because maybe i'm just female again. and goddamn does that happen often. that whole female thing. so confusing.

humhumhum.

i'm a chicken. someone shoot me before i make a fool of myself.

unrelated entirely --

i saw undeclared history, a play on campus. eh. it wasn't terrible. the first half wasn't as good as the second. i enjoyed "the trickster" character, played by some kid named ian. cyndi knows him. he was... fantastic. he did a great nixon. a great nixon. and they sang: "the world is a-changin'", "imagine" played on the piano for a bit, "for what it's worth" (stop hey what's that sound everybody look what's goin' down...), "war, what is it good for?" and i'm sure there were others.

the first half, like i said, had it's moments. i would've preferred if instead of them talking around each other, waiting for each other to finish on the different spiels the were giving, they would be more simultaneous. in the very beginning, diana started naming people that were killed. instead of having her continue with reading the names, she stopped to wait as someone else spoke. it wasn't the best i feel. i enjoyed some of it. the second half had a lot more poignancy. there were moments when i was so intrigued to see what would happen i was hoping i wouldn't be disappointed. i was, unfortunately, it was somewhat of a boring play, but again. it had moments. sort of like a full life, there were aspects that would stick with me. singing "for what it's worth" at the end was nice. i have an affinity for that song. anything that nixon did was entertaining. but only so much so. it was a big mishmosh of things. i could've been better worked, there could've been less accusations and less going on at once. it felt amateurish. it reminded me of a play that we had at queens.

oh gosh what was it called... "freedom high"

all right, segue quick second. i just had to look up susan einhorn to find the name of it. know how i knew it would work? because susan einhorn can't not put on a play that has a world or new york or america premiere. if it's been done, she won't do it. god forbid.

anyway.

it reminded me of freedom high, which wasn't terrible either. but was more put together than this was. it was also in a different time period i think. it was the civil war era. all i remember was dom running around on stage with a kkk hood on. scary. he was one of the best parts of it. Freedom High's cast features Farin Schlussel, Marvin Duverne, Joel Bernard, Marsha Reid, Ugo Eze, Elyse Price, Nick Radu, Jaysmar Bastien, Dominick Magnotta, Matthew Wood, Sonia Martins, Matthew Pimble, Jenna Guercio, Nick Riznyk, Monica Barczak and Amanda Shafran.

all of them. i miss all of them. i never thought i'd say it again, but i really miss queens college's theatre department. it was a lot of fun. snow in midsummer (and dallas mccurely) was great. our town was... okay, had she not taken my role from me for visiting my mother on her birthday, cinderella was horrifying. all i really remember is hugging aaron every time we had to listen to in my own little corner because i hated that song.

i also remember the last night. when sebastian, nick radu and jason ehrens mooned siri. oh GOSH. nick riznyk and i had our head in our hands, peeking through our fingers hoping she wouldn't fuck up on that last night's show.

she didn't. instead, she took the fan she was using (the part of the song was i'm a huntress on an african safari) and went to shoot at them each, completely unphased. she handled it way better than anyone else could've.

and who could forget, at the end of the opening song (the announcement scene, the whole the prince is giving a ball scene) instead of repeating the strange and surprising name like they were supposed to, i'm off stage and hear "face death?!" and i nearly fell about the place.

what else happened that day? oh! "i told this bamus to get us!" which made repole come backstage and wag his finger between act one and act two at brett and say no more shenanigans.

and who could forget "GRAAAAAAVYYY?"

that, and rizbones saying: the way she says that, she's gotta be putting a whole bunch of strange greek phonetic sounds in there.

oh, xenia...

i kind of miss it. i miss bones and smoke cigs and drinking soda and staying up late watching disney movies and supernatural and pretending that the actors aren't crazy. i miss max coming back drunk and hitting on siri. i miss the waltz. i miss watching snow in midsummer. marisa singing to total eclipse of the heart.

and watching dallas do the dance that aaron was supposed to do. and the day she just screamed at the people that were using our set, took them to security, and then they lied to security!

oh gosh.

qc. oh sweet, strange, terrible qc.

sigh.

all right. i'm going to go write a paper that's due tomorrow now.

probably.

<3

-aleey

eating delicious vienna sausages.

i'm watching parenthood and the parents of haddie just overheard her having sex because somehow her phone accidentally dialed them. does that still actually happen? i feel like people are smarter than that, but whatever.

i feel incredibly nauseas still. i threw up a bit at work - if by throwing up, i mean dry heaving what wasn't in my body out. ugh. i feel sick. i don't know why though. i sort of just want to curl up and sleep until i can't anymore. and sleep some more after that. i have to write a paper that's due on friday tomorrow. it seriously needs to get done. and hopefully i'll sleep. hopefully.

haha. the parents are in a stunned silence. strange.

haha. it. hahahahahahahahaha.

i'm so crazily delusional.

i really want to kiss bryan. how do i tell him that without sounding like all "i claim you"? haha.

-aleey

watch this

now.

told you it's beautiful.

hauntingly beautiful. love it. you know you do.

-aleey

ps: you loved his loins until your last heart beat.

then you ask why i don't live here...

honey, why don't you move?

i was listening to on the road again by bob dylan on my way home. it's one of the few songs on my mixed cd that always manages to make me smile real big. i'll never get tired of it. plus, it plays right after 2.99c by my beloved regina. it's beautiful. aha.

i have to admit, today was... better than i expected? i spent the first part of the day (after my bio lab) writing. and i really, really like where it's going. sure, it's nothing too specific just yet... and it's all a rough outline of what i want, so we'll see. i'm going to recruit oz and strudel (and hobbit's already looked at it today) to read it. i'm looking forward to what they have to say, because really? who else can read my mind the way they do? no one. not a single person.

well, maybe my mom. but, really?

i'm a little chilly. and i'm icing my knee. again. gonna have to wear the ace bandage tomorrow at school and hope that i don't gimp too much around campus. maybe i'll hitch a ride on someone's back (yeah, right, likely.) i can't wait for tomorrow to be over. then my week will really start. my plans for this week are fairly epoch. (yes, intentional, enjoy it damnit.)

wednesday: during the day i write my paper. or, in the morning, i go get contacts. either or. (i may put that off to next week when i have more time). then class 'til two. then i'll probably hang out with tone and jess for a bit, they'll go to class, and then duh-duh-duh-duh-duh! manny gets out of class at three, so we're going to help a friend of his dress himself better. or change his style. something like that. and then joe and i will meet up, probably on campus. it'll be a blast.

thursday: i don't have native american lit (it was cancelled, we have to see a play instead). so that means i might not go to play writing. however, i do have to go to the play. i forgot that when i suggested thursday to see alex. maybe i'll all ask (force) him to come with me. depends on if it costs anything. if it doesn't, i'll just tell him to get his ass here. if not, i'll cancel plans and we'll postpone to another night. his band does have a show on the thirtieth, so he can't possibly miss me too much.

friday: school, and then bam! it's strudel's weekend birthday drinking extravaganza! we're going out friday and saturday. i'm thinking of just getting someone to take my saturday opening shift, so i can drink however much i want and just crash on her couch or something. i'll figure it out. meh.

saturday: either work in the morning and then more drinking, or just, straight drinking. which doesn't sound like me, sure, but... it's strudel's birthday. i can't not do what she wants... it's like i'm driven to follow her every command. (do NOT let that go to your head, woman.)

and then sunday is officially spring break for me. it's cyndi's last day of the play she's doing (which i think is the new discovery thing or whatever that i need to see for native lit anyway). and then she's going to probably spend some time at my house, since she's coming over for easter. awww, easter... oh noes!

my whole damn family is on a diet! i know we'll be having lamb, but... but what if there's no sponakopetia?! what if i have to just eat... normal things? normal easter food? what if i don't get to pretend to be greek at all?!

well, that was overdramatic. but i'm watching craig ferguson. and he always makes me overly dramatic.

let's see. what else happened today? hobbit bought me dinner! it was very nice of him. we closed fairly timely for what we usually do. once i noticed how many magazines there were to put away, though, i pretty much slowed down my pace from let's get the eff outta here to okay, eleven-thirty ain't bad...

tone and jess keep making fun of me. saying i have a thing for my friend shea. i just get easily distracted when people make faces at me! i'm sorry! mean.

sigh.

stupid knee. sigh again.

i watched the ultimate showdown again yesterday. i seriously missed it. don't know why. and word dissociation. i love lemon demon.

dream, dreamer, dream.

why can't i SLEEP?!

hum. i started writing two things today. first was the one previously mentioned. then i started to write something (on cardboard again, do not judge me, damnit) and it actually started better than i thought it would. something about thinking a customer is a serial killer. not creepy, just observatory.

unrelated: i really love mike rowe. he's so adorable.

also, because i have to just admit to my newly renewed obsession with this man:

do you see him? do you?! i know strudel. and well... everyone who reads this, since the only other one who does is corey, and he's a boy. so you probably don't see. but. look!

ADORABLE.

so adorable. love him. sigh.

all right. craig ferguson is love. i think i'm going to try to finish up wristcutter's: a love story (with patrick fugit, who's adorable sort of) because it actually seems pretty nice so far. i love the dull-set filming. it's kind of perfect for the whole suicide theme.

ugh. i should attempt sleeping. but i'm hungry, too, and that's not a beneficial thing for me at all. meh.

all right lovelies. smile.

i'm going to pretend that i have money and look up dresses on modcloth.com

sigh.

(:

-aleey

ps. all this sighing as to stop. i sound like i'm constantly complaining about my life.

where do we go from here?

bio lab went well. (here we go with the mundane again, folks. beware.) got my paper back (the article one - the one i wrote the night before til one thirty with little to no knowledge). you could get anywhere from a 1-15. guess who got a perfect score? this chick. thanks, thanks, thanks.

skipped history because really? i'm too exhausted and my writing is suffering too much. one missed class (well, at this rate two) won't kill me. i think i'll manage to survive it all. all i have to do is actually do all the readings i haven't done. i'll set aside a day during vacation to do that. probably thursday, or monday/tuesday before work. which reminds me, i can't wait for next week. can you say freedom? the mere thought of not having to do any real work other than play the necessary catch-up makes me feel like a real human again.

maybe i'll actually do something. if i can i'll try to take a road trip. wednesday into thursday, maybe, since i'm fairly certain i don't have too much planned. and joe probably doesn't have work until late thursday, so kidnapping for the sake of freedom should be entirely worth it.

when there's nothing left to burn, you have to set yourself on fire.

i'm at the computer lab in school. here's what's been going through my head since i woke up this morning:

why do i have strange dreams about hotel rooms, and people smoking weed from bright green glass bongs? why does bio have to be at nine on mondays? can't it be never on neverdays? (that's literally how my brain functioned this morning.) i was in the shower and again got distracted by my nose. it's really not good. oh, goddamnit, now i'm distracted by it again. the tip is in my line of vision when i'm looking forward, like i am now, at the screen. why am i so awkward? truly, sir ulrich.

also, i'm still terribly in the mood to watch session 9, but i'm a complete chicken. i'll have to set up a day when someone isn't terribly busy and has the least amount of desire to make me feel as small as pea when i curl up next to them out of fear. i may morph into a ball of aleey, frightened to a peak of insanity as i try to overcome the fear insighted by what my brother calls the last real horror movie of our generation. and the premise of it (three guys working in an old abandoned asylum who stumble upon a video set of a woman with multiple personalities) sounds promising. haha, premise, promising... i didn't even do that on purpose.

why is that funny?

why so serious?

god, he's dead, how weird is that?

i started writing something that i'm now already disappointed in. i'm going to finish typing it up and email it to oz to dissect what i have thus far. ideas would be fabulous. i've got this great idea, and it's all natural based, because really, trees are awesome. and a world without a large weeping willow tree isn't a world at all.

i'm good at repairs and i'm under each snare.

dear gorillaz, please don't ever stop. thanks, aleey.

so, remember that thing i said i wanted? the kiss thing? i think i may have devised a plan to attain such a kiss. the downside? it won't be from who i want it to be from, but it will be from someone i know for a fact is capable of it. because i taught him how to do it! i wonder what it would be like to do it to someone. hum. now i'm overthinking everything.

clarification, so you don't have to scroll down and over a few days: what i want is that kind of kiss where one arm is wrapped around the waist, the other is at the back of the head and then pow. my knees buckle and i can barely breathe. how much of a sap am i? i swear, john cusack would be my ultimate counterpart for any 80s teen romance flick. or even serendipity.

sigh.

serenity. why did i think of that? now i'm thinking of wash being dead. who wants to think about that? i loved wash. stupid movie. killing off alan tudyk. just... random, too. ship crashes. lands it straight through his gut.

hum.

i want to make a list of my favorite movies again. it's changed a little bit. i guess i should make one list (of my favorite movies) and another (of the movies that i believe are superior to others in the world).

but i won't do that now. i have to get back to writing. and swooning. don't judge me strudel, you know how i swoon. it's nice to.

also, corey, catt daddy.

enjoy your day, folks.

remember, you will smile soon.

-aleey