letter.

i wrote one of these about four years ago. it helped.

to you,

so i'm tired of all of this. we need to stop talking because we've boiled down to fuck buddies once a week, not friends. i don't feel comfortable talking you anymore, and we both know you don't want me, so i'm done. you're an asshole who has taken too much of my time. you won't move on from a woman who doesn't want you enough to make it work, the woman who has a problem with the one issue you don't have a problem with. because you can't move on yes, you will be depressed still. but you won't move. because you're stuck thinking you can't. you need to make the effort but there's that inkling of a chance in your head. your chance with her.

i'm not perfect, i have insecurities and issues, i'm human. but we had fun. and when i was with you i didn't have problems. i felt good, comfortable. so i decided to try and hope, but i've been fighting a losing battle from the start. and i don't care what you do anymore, because you're an immature boy who doesn't want to be a man. so, sorry, i'm out. don't contact me, however the means. this isn't worth it for me to keep my foot in the door when you're poking it out with a goddamn cattle prod.

i want to be there for you, because i know that you need someone to talk to, but you don't talk to me anyway, so who the fuck am i even kidding.

have a good one, kid, i'm out. out out out. like elton john.

from,
me.

as if it couldn't suck more...

joanna's out of work for at least another week. my body is sore, i'm exhausted, it's terribly cold because my mother lives like a goddamn eskimo all year round, my brother and his drama is overwhelming, and i've got so little to do with my life these days, it's disappointing.

i'm pretty sure i'd love to go back to last night. just playing scrabble, drinking coffee and eating pie.

moments like that remind me that it's okay to be happy. but then days like today happen, when i'm doing all-day-monday-work by myself (which reminds me i forgot to do cafe payables), my heart is beating in my chest then stopping, i'm sick and tired of everything in my life resembling the stormy weather of fucking london and i think i'm going to pass out early just so i can wake up one am and go sit in a diner by myself.

i want to see or do or be or something tomorrow. it's my day off, one that won't be involving a hangover, and the last thought on my mind is to spend it by myself at home doing nothing, and though i do so love my mother, i need the fuck out of this house.

i love diana and felipe and the litter that is my mutt-like family, but not having my own life sort of drives me crazy. i'm trying to branch out. maybe if i move. maybe chicago will be so lovely for me... maybe, just maybe, just maybe.

dear boy,

i want to call you.

answer.

love,
that girl.

-aleey.

ps. regina spektor, rufus wainwright, dead poetic and bob dylan seem to mesh very well. it's lovely.

night?

garfield.

bill murray was the cameo in zombieland.

i'm watching garfield. he said garfield would be his one regret. it was terrible. it is terrible. i think the only reason i'm watching it is because i'm aaaaaall the way over here on the computer, and the tv is aaaaaaaall the way over there, near the couch, near the remote, near movement and lack of laziness and i'm not a fan of any of those things. besides, i have dirt cake, and the deliciousness of dirt cake outweighs the need to change the channel.

i'm so exhausted from the holidays.. and suffice to say, i didn't do much. so. yes.

i think i may just go back to my couch, play some chain rxn on my ipod, and wait until it's three and showering becomes a necessity. hmph.

-aleey.

this entry is dedicated to...

bruce the performance artist! "oh nooooooo."



i love that video, and i love bruce!

and this is just for fun.



i love craig ferguson.

while i worked out today i did a lot of listening to dead poetic, because though they are considered an "emo/alternative" band, i will always love them, and i don't give a tap dancing fuck what people say about them, they're damn amazing. and their acoustic version of "in coma" is one of my favorites.

hey, look, i found that on youtube too.



it seriously is one of my favorites.

so work today marked reasons why i seriously can't help but remember why i love my life. other than being able to reassure my best friend that my withdrawing from school was beneficial for me both mentally and emotionally, but was also far more validated than my brother's withdrawing from all of his classes but one the week of finals. he thinks that i'm treated differently - but i had a discussion with my parents before i did it, and it was before midterms, so all i really need to do was withdraw.

he could get kicked out.

anyway. i got a book of chants and meditations, because i'm working on reminding myself how to stay centered. yesterday after i spoke with that one customer who just made me smile i realized that all i really needed to do was focus more. so i'm focusing.

did about a mile and a half of walking and did about a half hours worth of punching on the punching bag (with some coaching from my father), i'm eating healthier and hey! i'm smiling a hell of a lot more these days.

i did one of those: work 'til waaaaay later than anticipated sort of things. but i really have to admit... mondays are my favorite day of the week. i get to work with tom, and joanna, and KATIE was in today (which really, makes every day better), and i got to see sam t., and he's a cutie. the only sadface moment of my day: when i found out that mike's last day is wednesday.

insert slashface/sadface here.

also unrelated, i had such a strange dream a few days ago... one i shan't detail. but it was weird.

back slightly on topic of monday's. tom and i love to quote bruce. everything is "oh noooooo." it's actually really funny. and we came up with the order of the zwiebel's. kelly was first, then colleen, then emily, so we came up with:

indiana jones and the raiders of the lost zwiebel (kelly)
indiana jones and the temple of zwiebel (colleen)
indiana jones and the last zwiebel (emily)

also:

lord of the zwiebels (kelly)
the two zwiebels (colleen)
return of the zwiebel (emily)

AND:

the new zwiebel (kelly)
the zwiebel strikes back (colleen)
return of the zwiebel (emily)

this is what we DO AT WORK ON MONDAYS. really, i can't every complain about it. we have so much fun.

made myself bleed punching the bag today, though.

NOT as fun.

ALSO. the fact that the thirteen thousand dollar food order AND the wasserstrom order came AT THE SAME TIME today was not amusing. twenty original cheesecake cases. ten godiva. know what we've sold so far? two of the eight white chocolate raspberries. this is going to be a fun week... huh.

my fingers kinda are swollen, but i'll just keep fighting til they don't bleed no more, right?

anyone want ice cream?

-aleey.

ps: oh noooooooo.

oh goddamnit.

i went to work thinking my life was swirling constantly down this perpetual toilet.

then i received a gift, something i needed, and i'm so thankful for it.

sometimes all you need is a nice customer. intelligence is such an attractive thing, i sort of got knocked off my feet, even though it was solely in an admiration sort of way. lit me up like a fucking cigarette.

i'm in a much better mood, and that desire to curl up in the nearest persons arms and sob uncontrollably has left.

well, maybe it wasn't that extreme.

there was something i meant to put in here. i guess it was a list of things you shouldn't do/say to a girl your interested, but i feel like that wasn't it... anyway. onward!

one: don't talk about other girls. unless you preface it by saying things like "unlike you" or something that's reassuring to the girl you are talking to that you're whats on their mind, not said other person.

two: constant put-downs are never fun.

ugh this list is taxing.

i know, only two things so far. i'll work on it when i'm more attached to actually investing something in the list, as of right now, i don't really care how guys treat women...

...unless they're matt, and hurting me.

in which case i'm not a fan of that.

explanation: ex-boyfriends can turn serial-killer creepy in seconds.

...no thanks.

-aleey.

sort of like that

i think secretly everything is sort of like something in a way i will never be able to fully grasp, because something is nothing but nothing always means something and there's always someone who the nothing means something, and someone else who could care less about the something, and all of the nothing means nothing to someone who means something to someone who usually cares about nothing.

in the end, in the end, in the end, in the end, in the end, in the end, in the end, i'm just a broken record pretending my vinyl is still intact and my thoughts are still regulated and my hopes and dreams are still real.

weird.

-aleey.

so i question this a lot.

the reason i still have these feelings for this particular person baffles me. i don't understand. at all. it's sickening, really, because i get so angry and hurt by the most idiotic of things.

unrelated, i think i'm going to try and phase out the word "dude" from my vocabulary, because it makes me sound too androgynous. and i don't want that, because if i'm going to be attractive and female... aww, fuck it, i'm seriously at the point of not fucking caring anymore. what does it all matter anyway?

the phrases i've officially come to read in disdain and get that shiver of dislike when i hear are multiplying, and the funny thing is, i don't even think this person is really... ugh. ughughugh.

if only it were easier.

if only my life were easier.

...whatever.

i'm at joanna's. we're eating delicious chinese bread. tom said i don't need to be at work until one. i'm not moving. i'm going to enjoy the solitude of the moment with my best friend and pretend that my emotions are stable instead of in fuck-all-ville, as per usual.

sometimes i regret having quit smoking.

-aleey.

suddenly i see.

errr. now i don't know WHAT to think, really. my mind's all over the place. not good, not good, not good. eff.

on a better note, YESTERDAY AND TODAY WERE AWESOME.

went to work yesterday (was a little late, but i stayed later, so it doesn't really matter), then went home, hung out with felipe and watched "muppet treasure island" (amazing), then went to nick's and watched revenge of the fallen, passed out on his couch, woke up at like, eight. nick went to work, i watched tv 'til about ten, went to starbucks with manny (aka michael weston), hung there 'til about one ish, went to barnes and noble at utopia centre with dre, went to get yummy taco, then we went to queens.

saw.

joyce, kenny, ramiro, rohan, LENNY <3,>>) and even DOOM, who i hadn't seen in ages. apparently his real name is brian. did not know this. was very confused. oh! and ian! and... ralph. haha.

then i came home. and had a huuuuuuuugely annoying traffic-y drive home. but i listened to funny radio shenanigans.

unrelated. i'm confused.

it's not fun.

but it's also not bothersome. it actually makes me happy, because it means i'm fairly better off than i was.

which is always good. (:

...this will not be elaborated until i've sorted it all out. so ha. deal.

-aleey.

so then thinking happened.

i think my reasons for my dilemmas in life are based solely on the fact that i spend far too much time not sleeping. which has its pros and cons, mostly cons, because really, isn't sleep supposed to be important or something?

the big thing is, all i really want is for that ripple to stop rippling, that ripple from that one tiny pebble that got thrown into the lake that is my mind, my emotions. the fact that it's still causing just the most minute of waves is what confuses me; mind you i do mean minute. i've all but completely found a balance that's calmed the sea.

it's just not completely calm yet.

soon, thanks.

soon.

-aleey.

jan. 8th.

so technically joe's birthday is the day after, but. who cares. january 8th joe and i will be seeing this fellow.



that's right, eddie izzard! i'm fairly excited about it.

not so excited about being stuck in a car for somewhere close to fourteen hours with this guy.


yeah. but that's okay. we both have issues.


-aleey.

rewind.

to reiterate about that whole "as far as i can throw them" bit.

tom can throw people fairly far.

especially if said people are, say, jo.

i on the other hand can not. i am far weaker.

so for me, "trust as far as i can throw them" fits better. not so much for tom. i can't throw people far... at all. unless they're babies.

i can throw babies.

-aleey.

NO SHIT, SHERLOCK.

although not a bad day in general, lots of confusing things happened throughout the duration of my eight hour shift.

karan came back; karan's our receiving manager. now, she's been out on medical leave for somewhere between three and five months (i don't really know when she went out, i went out in august, and she went out after me) and in her stead we brought in manhasset's manager mike.

we love mike. mike is gorgeous. with tattooes. and personality and charm. and he reads comic books, then lends them to people who want to read them. he's affable, gets along with everyone.

...not that karan doesn't, it's just different. he's also managed the receiving part of our store efficiently. changed a lot. and now with karan back and a new manager out at manhasset, he's sort of left in a limbo that none of us are fans of. he's going to be here through the holiday season, but they haven't given him any definitive answers about what and where and when he's going to be either shifting or not. we're all confused, and i won't lie - i want him to stay. partly because i'm selfish and want to be able to ogle him, but also because for days like monday when i'm opening and he's opening, it's just so much nicer to have someone to sit and talk to, someone in receiving who's dependable, and someone who doesn't kick cafe's doors open during their smoke breaks.

not to say we don't love karan. i was ecstatic to see her come back; she's one of my favorite people. she always gives us candy, buys us bread and peanut butter for peanut butter day, and when i sliced open my finger, she wrapped it up in awesome clear tape so i could watch the blood pool as i went to the hospital. mildly morbid, but i swear i mean it entirely in fun.

with all that said, i don't know what to think or hope for. i want mike to stay, but i want karan back as well. and we can't have two managers. so we don't know where he'll go if he doesn't stay here.

and that just sucks.

god forbid they put him in northport. then i'll seriously be showing up there at random, what with him and janet and dave and other dave all working there. it's like i'm swimming in northport half the time; that's not fun or clever.

on a slightly less horrifying note, tom and i came to the conclusion today (while we were hiding in the back breaking down boxes and letting jo and allie and naomi take care of customers and drink orders) that the phrases "i don't trust ___ as far as i can throw him/her" and "no shit sherlock" need to be fazed into our regular speech.

now, the first is easy to faze in and out. it's the latter that's more difficult because, come on, let's be honest. it's not very barnes and noble work-place friendly. but it's such a fun phrase, and i can't ever remember to use it! i wish i could, i wish i did.

so here's a mumblejumble of my thoughts from the day as the day went by:
seriously, vespa mugs?
i hate vespa mugs.
why are there more vespa mugs.
why are there more woodstock mugs.
WOODSTUCK MUGS.
REALLY.
vera bradley, cool.
did the milk company come yet?
good.
does daevon exist in this world?
i hate changing garbages.
this is re-donk, really.
nearly threw up in a garbage can.
"my guilty pleasure is terrible celebrity magazines"

segway for conversation of the day:
tom: "why is there so much moose munch?"
me: "well, you see, when a mommy moose munch and a daddy moose munch love each other very much..."
jo: "they get together and create MORE moose munch, then THAT moose munch becomes daddy and mommy moose munch too!"
tom: "...so what you're saying is there's no God?"
me: "...yes."
tom: "i'm glad moose munch is our logical proof."

back to ramblemumble:
so that david guy is quitting freals? kay.
marshall is fairly creepy.
holy crap john t. gave me a christmas card.
was there money?
no.
just a smiley face.
creeper.
at least he didn't smack my ass like he did jo's.
WHY DO WE STILL HAVE EGGNOG.
no, i'm going to bed now.
ate jo's famous dave's remains.
had bob dylan stuck in my head.
did not win a quarter from tom for knowing who the cure were.
sorry.
can i please take a nap now?
my ankle is swollen.
STOP COMPLAINING.
bakebakebakebakebakebakebake
wtf
is it "pretend to be your grandma day"?
oatmeal cookie after oatmeal cookie
decaf coffee after decaf coffee
naomi has adorable hats.
brooks has done a TERRIBLE job of hiring people who are
smart and good looking.
neither happens.
and if it does, they're not single.

all right, i'm done rambling for now.

-aleey.

p.s. i still really want to marry Hatter from SyFy's Alice.

er. hi.

i'm eating double stuffed oreos.

and thinking about poetry and other things i've been meaning to do.

well, well, well.

well.

-aleey.