and just like that.

thank you, to jess for baring with me, to james for... jesus, being james and just somehow always making my life better, mike for unknowingly being adorable on tumblr, veronica for being so sweet, strudel for always being one of the best people ever, and mark for sending me a novel to wake up to that both made me smile and evaluate my life simultaneously.

to say i'm feeling better is an understatement. i'm much more upbeat, despite the fact that i smelt like sewage upon arriving home due to the obnoxious place of work i attend regularly. my hair is wet and i hate when i sleep with my hair wet, but hey. it's simply what happens when you have to stick your arm down the drain at work as it clogs up and makes water ripple all over the floor.

in some ways this was a good thing, because it made me take longer cleaning up and not have to do more book floor work. i hate this place, but love it so much. my head is killing me. i'm so tired. but i really want to watch mob wives, read and curl up with someone but my book is downstairs, i'm alone in this bed and mob wives isn't on demand.

so i fail. at... life, temporarily. but tomorrow promises to be amazing. as does tuesday.

wednesday isn't spoken for. yet. i suppose we'll see. if anyone wants to do something, please to be letting me know? (:

<3

it's funny.

whenever i get this feeling, something happens. i don't know what. but almost always something changes. who i'm talking to, what i'm saying; i'm back to being guarded. like a shell. part of me doesn't want to talk to anyone actually. i want everyone to disappear so i can just do the few important things: go to work, spend time with my family. everyone and everything can leave me alone.

i'm sure i'll look back at see that this won't have actually happened, but right now is a life as a salesman moments. attention must be paid or in my case, not paid. i want it all to just turn to mist and dissipate. it's days like these when all i long to do is run away. i wish i could run away, change my name and start all over. and as horrible as it sounds, if i had the money, i probably would've done this years ago.

how sad is that?

i want to be something i'm not. and i don't want to feel like someone who needs to be talked about, or who bothers people. i don't mean to be. i have a hard time letting myself be happy and keeping everyone else happy and being around. so right now, no. i don't want to be around. at first i was sad the semester was over, and that half of the people left to their respective states.

now i'm happy. really happy. because now i can just sit here and wallow and be alone and not have to worry about class or seeing people breaking it up and making it difficult for me to remain as such. i can go back to watching movies with my mom, hanging out with joanna and hobbit and corey; to sleeping in on my days off and to pretending that my life is actually headed somewhere.

unrelated: i've restarted sabriel by garth nix. so far so good. going to buy the passage by justin cronin later this week before i go to texas so i can have some good times on the plane.

all right. going to clean my room to the sweet sweet sounds of... someone. then it will officially be time to indulge in family night. i hope i don't continue to feel this way.

oh blog. thanks for listening.

caught up as a dreamer.

these past few days have given me a lot to think about. i've been having splendid times (time after time) with my friends, studying for finals and not-sleeping. i poured out an iced coffee i bought for the very occasion that had been sitting in my room the past few days and when i did the soy milk and humidity of my room had made it into a fine sludge of brownish cream. disgusting isn't the word; thankfully it didn't wreak. now i'm in the in-between-moment of having just helped mom clean the house and the necessity of cleaning up my room.

i was in a funk yesterday. it's got no reason behind it, mind you. yesterday i got to spend some time with jess and anthony before she drove him to the airport and after our last final. we wrote russell a card (he was our west lit professor) and he was fairly amused by anthony's poem. it was using the letters of russell's name. it all rhymed until the last line "learning without you next year is gonna suck, man" - priceless. anyway.

so i went with my mom to kohls on her break so she could get pillows. we discovered "egyptian cotton" pillows. if they'd been king sized we would've bought them, for the sheer amusement of saying to my dad "it's egypshun cotton mothafokuh." (it's from the sam l. version of shaft. peoples hernandez.) then i went back to school, picked up mike and we went and got strudel, then drove... wow, where'd we go after that? we went to visit cyndi, right. i honestly couldn't remember. visited cyndi and gave her boxes i got for her from work so she could pack up more stuff. gave away cigarettes that strudel and mike didn't want. then met nelly, who no longer believes i am invisible. she seems nice, though my view of her will remained skewed until i find out the true motives behind why she and the others all hurt cyndi, because i still don't fully grasp it.

anyway.

strudel came over, we enjoyed the first episode of mob wives, which yes, i admit is total trash, but totally good trash that i can't stop loving. and now strudel loves it too. it's outstanding. if i can be anyone, i want to be drita d'avanzo. because holy shenanigans, she's fabulous. and she will put you in a hospital if you get into a fight with her. love it.

so then i dropped her off at work at pfy, then went back on campus to watch mike pack for a bit. and, of course, to distract him from working for a bit, which was nice. we took cyndi out for dinner at napo's, went back to her room to help her finish cleaning, then i shimmyed my way home.

i'm still in a strange funk. it's like i'm just... starting to feel insanely self-conscious all over again. little things that people say, or do. notes they make. observations. requests. it's hard for me to feel entirely comfortable these days, and i don't know who to tell. at all. i feel like i'm in this tiny little box of imaginary-isms of who i am and am not and i'm stuck pretending half of the time that i'm happy. and sometimes i am. sometimes that smile i've got is truly genuine. and then sometimes it's really not.

i'm back to that stage in my life where i feel like i'm unattractive and not worth it; that i'm a horrible friend. yes, i know, i've done things for my friends in the past, but come on? really? i can be kind of heartless. and lazy. goddamnit. i feel like i'm just... going to constantly be a disappointment. that all i do is fail. that i'll never be good enough or worth the effort.

it drives me crazy feeling like this and i just... i don't usually have the guts to even write it here. but i can't just sit here and not let myself become aware of how i'm feeling. i feel... i don't even really know how i feel. i just do.

and it's starting to make me lose it a little inside.

i'm so glad my semester is over. i hope i get B's and up. i should. hopefully.

i'm really not emo, i swear. i'm just in an indescribable funk. all i really want is to spend a full day with my lackey because no matter what happens in my life, strudel always makes me happy. always, without fail. she's who i feel the most comfortable with. for everything.

all right. i'm going to lay down. maybe watch some more mob wives. pretend i don't exist. phone = off. for... however long i can let that go on for.

oh, right.

my aunt's cancer didn't spread. i'm incredibly happy about it. she won't need anything other than surgery. it was such a huge relief to hear. huge.

"i want a green iced tea. that comes iced, right?"

no, ma'am. we've defied physics and managed to make our iced tea hot. slàinte.

as i walked toward the register, i discovered a boy (i say boy as he looked to maybe still be in his mid to late teens) in a strange beige almost-mesh sweater over a vibrant tie-dye t-shirt wearing a cap side-ways on his head. the odd thing of this (i exclude his clothing because i've seen far worse at work) is that he was circling his nipple. or, well, his peck, but other way it was incredibly off-putting and i'm near certain my eyes were the size of baseballs as i tried to remain calm and collected and take his order. it was just simply peculiar.

my favorite customer is ali. he's, fantastic. there's no other way to say it. he's simply the sweetest human being ever and really, makes everyone smile. he always comes in the early morning and either gets a small coffee or a tea (usually a tea). morning tea is the green tea with coconut (our thai tea) and evenings he comes in for his refill, which is almost always without fail an african autumn tea. always two tea bags, for potency purposes.

every night he comes up, around ten-fifty (we close around eleven) to get extra hot water for his depleted cup of tea. tonight he seemed to be occupied, so i moseyed over and took his cup and asked if he wanted extra hot water. he made to stand up and follow but i waved him off and refilled the cup and walked it back to him (we were near finished with closing and i really had nothing more important to do, and besides, i love the guy, he's a sweetheart) then went back to work.

a few seconds later, as i'm wiping down the counters, i see him standing near the pick up area leaning on the marble top. he smiles and tells me that the very action i'd performed, which in my nature is instinct to do considering i know his regular needs come tea-drinking time, was why i was so special.

see, i hate my job. i do. but when it comes to my regulars (ali, sue, john, james, other james, wayne, mike, etc.) i can't help but neglect the desire to get a new one. it's harder to explain than it would be if you just worked there, and trust me, i had never dreamed i'd still be stuck in a near dead-end retail job making barely a buck over minimum wage while still in school at twenty-two, but i'm glad it's this job, with these people, because i don't know if i could handle the beige of the real world.

well, i need to study, unfortunately. i plan on finishing up the book i need for tomorrow's class, re-reading some sparknotes for the book ceremony so i can recall it all to memory as needed, then off to the fair with hobsbawm, arnstein and the ohsofabulous levy's book for notations and hopeful comprehension of the ways of the brits from world war i to world war ii. huzzah.

oh, mob wives is terribly good, i love drita, my shoes are getting ruined due to dish-washing and constant wear, i can't wait to be able to read once finals are all said and done, i think i incomprehensibly lost weight again, and i realize i say 'i love you' at the end of nearly every phone call (baring a few of the occasional creepers i am made to put up with.)

i also need to note that, even though we still barely know much about each other, i'm happy with mike. we get along great and we have fun together, and he's sort of like a gay best friend that i actually get to date. it's a lot of fun. i'm in a good mood most days now. which is pleasant.

i can't wait for texas. it's going to be amazing.

also, strudel, i love you, you make my world go round.

right. studying. OFF.

the reasons

remember? remember when i said i didn't want to sleep upstairs because of how strange it is up here? remember how i said it makes me uncomfortable to be around them? especially when they don't know how to talk to one another and how they fight and everything?

yeah. yeah. this is why i don't want to be here. why i kind of just want to go back downstairs. she doesn't know how to raise a child. and he's so spoiled he refuses to think that he needs to change or do anything. he's nine years old. this isn't cute, or funny, or something to condone. this is idiotic. there's no middle ground, now discipline followed up on or rules to guide him. i can't stand it.

and then it just... dissipates. goes back to normal, and i'm just sitting here, wondering what the hell is going on anymore. i do miss being downstairs, seeing my mom, but i like having privacy. there's such a trade-up right now for me, and the pros and cons aren't weighed the ways i thought they'd be. and it sucks. big time.

sigh.

attemptive.

that's how my life has been these past few days. attemptive. i'm aware this isn't a recognized word in the english language, but it best describes how everything has widdled out. also not a word. whatever, i'm after having cared of such things.

so, i was in a bit of a funk. i am now better. oddly enough, i feel happier. it's almost as though things fixed themselves. sort of. i still have the flu, which is god awful, but that's fixing itself slowly. i plan on getting a good nights rest. and finishing an essay. and taking more medicine. and never, ever, ever kissing mike while he's sick ever again (which is such a terrible lie... let's be honest.)

i feel a little underwhelmed with mike some times. i know i really like him and i worry that he just doesn't like me as much. there's my only dilemma. however, we've just started dating (a few days over a week) so it's not incredibly surprising that we still know next to nothing about each other, and yet i still have this... creeping feeling. i'm keeping myself guarded on every front. mostly because the last guy i attempted anything with stopped talking to me for two weeks randomly with no reason and the guy before that decided to leave me for some random short asian big-boobed chick.

i stopped caring about that nonsense personally and in regards to them, but it makes me very skeptical of... well, everything. i just. god, where's vernon and his impeccable explanations of myself when i need him? he does it better than i do (that's sad, i can't lie.)

when i was seeing dave all those years ago (hahahaha, not years, i know) vernon hit the nail on the head. he actually impersonated me perfectly. he said you just need to tell him that he needs to remind you of why he likes you. and then he impersonated me. body language an all. saying "i know it's a little silly and i'm sorry i'm so awkward but i just need a reminder as to why you like me, if you like me, every once in awhile, so i know i'm not alone here" or something akin to that. and hey, in all honesty, it worked. for awhile.

but vernon really did get it right. i just... i need that reminder every once in awhile. it's nice when it happens. hah. love it. i miss that guy. sigh.

i'm not into writing papers, but it needs to get done. sigh. love you all.

ugh.

maybe it's because i'm sick, maybe it's because i feel delusional or maybe it's the stress of finals finally hitting me (or worse, maybe it's all of that nonsense, simultaneously) but i feel.. something. worst of all, it could be something i'm too afraid to put my name to.

so i'm seeing mike, which is nice. i do like him. we get along well and he's adorable. i just have this sinking feeling. it comes from feeling like he doesn't have too-strong feelings for me, mixed with him quite possibly being gay. if it weren't for the fog that i'm in i probably wouldn't even be admitting any of these flying-around thoughts. it hit me last night when i was driving back home (well, was being driven back home, as i didn't have a car) after the witches brew.

minor segue, i just checked my hofstra email and one of them was about music fest. firstly: i don't care about anyone who's at music fest. i don't know anyone except big boi, and who knows if he'll be any good without andre 3000. but anyway, what bugged me was the whole "alumni can came for a donation of 5 dollars". why are they charging them? and if they're gonna charge them, just say you will. say "5 bucks for alumni." be easier and i'd find it less annoying.

anyway.

so this sinking feeling i have. i do think he has some feelings for me (he doesn't seem like a malicious person to just poof appear in a relationship for shits and giggles) but i don't know entirely. it's almost as though i'm just still waiting for someone to find me interesting enough to have around. maybe i'm being melancholy, which is incredibly possible, but who knows.

it doesn't help that i'm sick and i have to work tonight. but i can't call out. i really have to go. it's too late, and if i don't go it'll just be sad. i can't get anyone to cover. and i've known for the past few days that i was sick, so i can't just spontaneously cover this shift. ugh. so foggy.. i'm going to need to get dayquil or something. i won't make it if i don't.

i want to do something and feel accomplished. i don't want to be sick. i want to feel better. i want to... i don't know.

ugh. i hate that sense of missing something that has, yet again, popped it's ugly head into my life.

whatever. i'm too fogged up to put a sentence together properly. whatevs. i'm off.

for now.

it was not your fault but mine

and it was your heart on the line.

i really fucked it up this time.

didn't i my dear?

didn't i my dear.

so i'm out and about with jess at the moment. (by out and about i mean in my newly acquired bed room on the floor as she does some extra studying for a test in the morn.)

had a pretttttttyy sweet day. met up with her after my native lit class, we just chilled for a bit with mark and mike. went to my house so i could get changed, then went to her house so she could get her belongings. had an epic drive to her house, an epic drive through the taco bell drive through and an epic drive back listening to savage garden and lil' wayne. it was noice.

i'm sick. and tooooo tired to really understand... anything. at all. and i should have a doctor's appointment in the morning. we shall see, soon i'm sure.

all right. love you all.

night (: