much like everything else in my life

this will make me sound like a terrible person. but i get an inane kick out of people who have absolutely no posterior to speak of whatsoever. i'm sure that sounds incredibly strange, and i admit to knowing it to be as such, yet... it's so funny.

i'm using mike's computer at the moment. obnoxious. funny. (:

re-reading oscar wilde. because he's my god.

drinking tea.

did well on bio.

gonna go visit tomi at work later. because i want a hug from my love.

have fun, folks.

-aleey

well, that's a dream

i saw it, pale

in comparison to everything i had hoped it'd be.

short, fallen, empty

dripping down the chosen path

i regretted immediately.

my fingers reached out, gripping

or attempting to, by the by,

to take what ever scraps of falsified reality remained

tangible for the feeble mind that

lingered in my shell of life.

--

chairs.

there were so many goddamn chairs everywhere.

that's what i remember.

ever notice you remember the strangest things?

sixty. had to be. or close to.

there were maybe six turned over.

another one was broken.

dust was everywhere.

i don't even know why i was there.

(letsbehonestnoonecaresaboutadelusionalgirlwithadreamandawishandadeepbreathandahopethathe'dbethere,waiting)

he wasn't there. but he

he was.

he was cold, sitting in one of the chairs.

and he stared at me.

from that goddamn chair.

it was green. rusted, and i swear

if he weighed any heavier

it'd have collapsed under the sheer duress of pressure

other than gravity.

i wanted to run, weave around chairs

crash into his arms and find something other than the linger of her soap on his shoulders.

but did i?

i cried. dropped to my knees, felt them buckle with a weight i thought my heart

had released

earlier.

(itobviouslyhadntwhyelsewasitherecryingforhimtoseeandnotsee)

all i remembered was fingers

fingers in hair and kisses and breathing and he stared at me, unblinking

un-fucking-moving.

i was just kneeling there

face in hands

ugly as all, crying until my head pounded

and my heart stopped beating.

i hope to god he's finally happy.

--

^--- none of that has anything to do with my life, presently. sorry for any confusion. i've had this aching need to write lately, and i'm feeling a little... compressed. it's difficult finding the inspiration i used to find, and now i'm just dealing with things i don't think ever really worked together to begin with. like my life, writing, living, working part time and being a half-way decent human being.

tentative. free. space. absolute. atrocious. optometry. kisses. noses. fists. holes. walls. toes. alphabet soup. why, why, why.

i'm not in my right mind, i can't sleep, and i really just wish i could curl up in someone's arms right now so i can feel safe. i like to feel safe. i... kind of need to feel safe. protected. i need to feel as though nothing else is going to go wrong anymore. that i won't be left in the dark, hanging on the words of things that i had no say in the matter of producing.

i'll... think. too much. for myself.

dear you,

i don't know who you are.

but i wish you were here.

-aleey

ps. i'm not depressed. jeesus, do i sound it? i must. i'm just trying to cope with feeling at odds with my life (which really... isn't terrible.)

"there's a new rule in cafe, aleey,

"you must be naked at all times. " -tomi

my evening resonated with an ominous feeling. i thought it was because i was dreading classes tomorrow because of my exhaustion and the fact that i've yet to finish that ten-page play. but now i feel like my heart has simply become concave against the back of my ribs. i can't even bring myself to say why, in fear of letting it be that much more of a reality.

not that it's the worst thing. at first, it wasn't. it was watching my mom walk into her bedroom saying "i've stopped hoping in a lot of things" that made everything erupt. i actually feel at a loss for words. those whole section tonight was meant to be happy-go-lucky, truly. quotes from the day, fun facts... moments worth mentioning. thoughts worth mentioning. hopes worth mentioning.

now i don't want to dilute this feeling with a false sense of felicity. if i dumb down this feeling with miniscule moments in my day it's just going to take away from the gravity of this.

what's insanity is just how easily my mother's reaction can utterly deflate anything i felt. and he's just... sitting there, laying there, sleeping... finally, i'm sure, but still. i almost want to be mad at him. say something. express the sudden anxious feeling i have in a hot-headed, ill-tempered way until it makes me feel better, but what good is that going to do?

now that my mother seems to be trying to deal with it and yet failing simultaneously, i have to try to hope, right? it happened once; i'm sure it can happen again. maybe this won't be as bad as it seems. maybe this won't wreck the next few days, or the hopes and plans i had for the near future. maybe it will. i can only really hope at this point. hope hope hope.

it's so hard to do though, when there's no real suggestion in sight; no real destination in the future. everything that you thought was good just disappeared with two simple words that i wish i could've clapped my hand over the mouth that uttered them of. in both a positive and sardonic way, i hope he's happy. satisfied.

but i hate this.

sigh.

so much for writing that stupid play tonight. guess i'll do it tomorrow morning, hopefully. guess we'll see. maybe i'll just skip the damn class. not sure it'd be worth going to it tomorrow anyway.

sigh. whatever.

thanks.

-aleey

let bigones be bigones and lonesomes be long gone.

oh, dear keb mo. i miss you in my life. i should download that song... (first i have to find it, then download it, but whatever.)

today was fun. i know that sounds silly, but well... it was. i hung out with mike yesterday, and oddly enough, things went swimmingly well at friendly's (strudel pointed this out: wherever he and i go, we're eating ice cream. weird.) and he seems to be okay with the fact that we're just better off as friends. because i don't see us going anywhere.

but i digress.

i went with my aunt this morning to get cigarettes. out on the reservations; holy cow do they sell a lot of cigarettes. and all in cartons (well, mostly, i'm sure you could buy packs if you wanted to). we drove out on sunrise highway - and oddly enough, it didn't take as long as i thought it would. definitely saw it taking at least three hours all together, barely took us two. and it wouldn't have even been that long, had it not been for the bits of sunday traffic going west on our way home. but that doesn't matter.

we bought a boat load of cigarettes; a scary amount. it's frightful seeing how many. obnoxiously frightening. and they gave us four free packs of something called cobra 100s. they must be one of the least favorite packs because they literally just... handed them to us. so i'm giving them to bryan; he's poor and smokes. and i don't think anyone else i know does (other than maybe tomi and louisa, but they'd both yell at me for furthering their habit, so i won't offer.)

so after that whole trek, we got home, helped clean up a bit, and then went shopping. to be fair, i was significantly grumpier than i thought i'd be at first. but hurrah! i found bras. i know that sounds arbitrary, but i've been living on the same one bra for about five months now. so i was happy, to say the least. three new bras. all beautifully supportive. i'm sorry, has this reached a tmi level? i apologize. i'm far too open. lesigh.

so we get home. around, i'd say, four. i finish up bio (look at me being productive!) and help my mom re-organize her room. until a little after six, which is when i decide to migrate to barnes and noble to pick up peter. when i get there, low and behold, two cop cars. i swear, all the good stuff happens when i'm not there.

i get inside and a cop is standing next to one of our managers (dana - pronounced dan-uh, not daynuh) and i catch up with joe (he was working; one of our cafe workers, i adore him) who had just stared break. he brings me up to speed on what's happened. someone gave a fake hundred dollar bill. and was still in the store with his wife. so i think the attempt was going to be to arrest him. or something, i'm not entirely sure to be honest. (wow, i almost wrote shore instead of sure. i had to do a double take. am i that tired?) but i didn't get to see any action. i spent the majority of my time bothering either my brother or janet.

the latter of which i had a long, long conversation with.

of whom i have a message for: i've got nothing. at all. let the raspberry scones bake regularly, i'm sure they'll go out of style soon enough and be replaced, again, by cranberry orange scones. sigh.

(was that good? hahahaha, are you crying your eyes laughing? or are you shaking your head? admit it, you're laughing. it was a good one.)

!!

right. picked up peter, went home to help my aunt and cousin finish dinner. which was delicious. we had turkey chili and potatoes. oh man... so good. mmm. (insert salivating here).

walking around the kitchen, joking, laughing... it made me realize that yes, my life might not always be perfect, but it's pretty damn good. and i love it. my family is funny, entertaining, and always there for me. even if it's just us, putzing around making dinner.

or sitting in a three person chain, blow drying hair. like we did just now before i got to this very comfy spot on the couch, typing to you imaginary folks (with the exception of janet) at home. or not at home. whatever. whichever. who cares!

i've had that stupid rihanna song stuck in my head. "i may be bad but i'm perfectly good at it." i'm not, either of those things really, but it's like a constant loop and i may have to listen to it to get it out eventually. rawr!

i'm a dinosaur! (to be pronounced the way the DNA strand does in the jurassic park movie.)

i have a huge hankering to watch the fifth element. probably because mike and i were talking about mila whateverhernameisvich. jovovich? maybe. that chick. and my mom and i were talking about the opera scene (one of my favorites ha.)

all right! i'm going to get some oreos, finish writing something that needs to get done, and contemplate the likelihood of totally re-crafting my stupid play to make sense in a family arena. maybe.

we'll see! wish me luck! adieu, mon cheres.

(blows kisses)

-aleey

see? this is what happens.

when i can easily access the internet, i get trigger happy with posting on blogs.

i've already revisited all of my old haunts on the interwebs, and none of them seem to do anything for me other than increase my boredom. i should get up and clean and get showered and prepare the best, least critical way of talking to mike later tonight.

why yes, my life can be stupid. can't i just sit here, on this couch, and read all day? without having to deal with anything other than nothing?

my mom and my aunt have been cooking all morning and though much of the food smells delicious, i am inclined to simply feel queasy at the idea of eating it. and my headache doesn't help matters. although i'm sure sitting here on this couch for hours on end is not helping by any means, but, who cares? maybe i'll wear a skirt today..

i haven't done that in awhile.

i keep cracking my toes like crazy and it's fun. and my neck, and fingers and ankles and thumbs...

missy's gone at the moment.

holy moly, why do i let my life get so droll that there is so little eventful happenings to write about?

lesigh.

it's saturday. i'm hanging out with mike later. and i'm nervous about it. fabulous.

tomorrow i do have school work to do at some point.. so i need to get it done. and now i'm worried about jess.

shoot me please?

-aleey

this is how it works.

i desperately need to stop taking naps mid-day. or late afternoon. whichever. because no matter what i try to do otherwise to later fall to sleep, i simply can't. my body refuses to let me pass out. it's horrifyingly obnoxious. i just want to sleep until i physically can't anymore. not that in this house that'll ever be an option (what with not having a room with soundproofed walls).

have you ever noticed how easily life just sweeps you up without giving you the moment to realize? that's how i've felt for the past few... well, years maybe? it's like i'm hanging in that moment before i sneeze, waiting in that haphazard phase of will it happen, will it not. don't read too much into this: i'm not dealing with a will or will not situation at the moment. in essence i could be, but it's not an overwhelming, all-encompassing life-altering issue.

my head is still killing me, craig ferguson is on and all i really want is a huge cup of tea and an enormous sleeping pill that will make me have strange dreams of running around the countryside on the back of a dog the size of clifford, with laffy taffy dangling in front of it's eyes to keep it interested in the sway of the movement.

i'm looking forward to texas. and to otakon. and maybe even to sleeping in for a week straight. and in some ounces of it, i'm looking forward to swahili. even though really? why am i going to torture myself? don't ask me. i'll never know the answer.

i think i just like the way i type, so i like to write in this thing to hear my fingers click at an unearthly speed across this keyboard. because the clackclackclack of my fingers like heels on a wood floor makes me happy, somewhat.

ugh!

i want to need to write again. i'm losing my edge.

again.

and please someone let me sing? please?

shite. my left leg has officially started to go numb. fabulous.

all right, craig ferguson and i are sharing a few moments that will hopefully, eventually, put me to sleep.

lovelifecheese.

-aleey

achoo.

i have law and order: svu on in the background right now. it's disturbing. the time on my laptop is off by an hour. i just fixed it. (how mundane is this opening? man, i'm getting more boring then i thought possible.)

so i'm sick at the moment. not extremely sick, just enough to make me tired and feel like my body doesn't want to move at all. i'm just incredibly tired. my head hurts and i feel a bit nauseas at the moment. i just want to be able to sleep tonight. maybe i'll take a sleeping pill so i can get a long, good nights rest. it's significantly needed. and right now, i'm just so happy that i didn't have anything other than work today.

okay, so there's this guy on screen right now. he's freaking me out. he's a crazy pedophile. gross. he's touching all of these hats and knowing exactly who it belonged to. he sniffs them. they're all from kids he molested. and quite possibly killed.

this is strange. i feel like i'm... all here, for once. but not? why am i such a melodramatic fool? because i can be, that's why.

i hate certain smells. like whatever it is my mom made for dinner. (i didn't eat it; i ate bagel bites.) it's some kind of sausage i think. but it makes me feel gross. sick to my stomach. it's not helping what's going on inside my body right now.

my head feels like it's swollen.

and i'm dizzy.

ever want something so much you imagined you could feel it so often that when it happened, it's appeal is lost and there's nothing keeping that original spark striking against your heart? maybe, i don't know. i overwork my imagination. and i try too hard at it.

i desperately want shrimp. thanks, taco bell commercial, for your suggestions.

part of me wants to see source code. but not, simultaneously.

i think i really, really want someone beautifully tall to bend down, wrap an arm around my waist, put a hand at the back of my head, pull me close and kiss me until my knees buckle.

thanks.

-aleey