i don't think i understand things so much anymore. i mean, i realize that i'm in a good place.. but for some reason it doesn't seem good enough for anyone else.
i know being just content isn't something i should "dwell in" so to speak, but i'm happy where i am. happier than i've been in a while. and yet... i feel like i'm this huge disappointment to anyone and everyone, and i'm tired of feeling as if i can't be good at a damn thing. i'm just failing. i'm terrible, it seems. but, not enough so that it effects me. as in, i'm at the point where regardless of whether or not i feel like people are disappointed in my life choices, i don't... i don't care enough.
i've made these decisions on my own, i've carved out my own life. is it entirely what i dreamed of, no. but am i happy with a job, a house to live in, an amazing family and great friends? yes. yes i am.
there isn't anything else i really want right now.
at all.
so vibes get the fuck off my shit. i'm tired of feeling you creeping in, i'm happy, i'm smiling, and i don't need all of that.
i don't.
thanks.
-aleey.
Friday, January 29, 2010
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
so, fine.
not "so fine", as in "that person's ass is so fine." so, fine. as in, so, fine, whatever?
kind of.
i'm freezing at the moment. i went from practically sweating my limbs off at work in a sea of clothing that i don't like wearing to freezing in the same clothes. i want to shower so badly, but i'm so lazy and this stupid kidney-esque infection is starting to drive me crazy. i want it to go away. if it isn't gone by saturday, i'm going to the doctor. because not-fun things happen.
i hope no one really reads this... because i'm about to be unbelievably open about something only a few people really know the extent of.
i'm bisexual. and right now, i just want a girlfriend so badly, it's starting to drive me while. the few guys that i like right now are either out of reach, not interested, or both. and sure, i'd probably jump at a chance to be with one of them, but i really just... want a cute girlfriend to kiss.
unrelated.
work is getting old to me. i love my job, i do. but i'm getting so tired of everything.
i have a serious goal. to own something.
it'll happen.
...okay, going to write and read.
BYE. :3
-aleey.
kind of.
i'm freezing at the moment. i went from practically sweating my limbs off at work in a sea of clothing that i don't like wearing to freezing in the same clothes. i want to shower so badly, but i'm so lazy and this stupid kidney-esque infection is starting to drive me crazy. i want it to go away. if it isn't gone by saturday, i'm going to the doctor. because not-fun things happen.
i hope no one really reads this... because i'm about to be unbelievably open about something only a few people really know the extent of.
i'm bisexual. and right now, i just want a girlfriend so badly, it's starting to drive me while. the few guys that i like right now are either out of reach, not interested, or both. and sure, i'd probably jump at a chance to be with one of them, but i really just... want a cute girlfriend to kiss.
unrelated.
work is getting old to me. i love my job, i do. but i'm getting so tired of everything.
i have a serious goal. to own something.
it'll happen.
...okay, going to write and read.
BYE. :3
-aleey.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
thirteenseconds poem and why life
thirteenseconds
she was quiet, oh so quiet
don't say it, don't be it, don't breathe it
she was quiet... so quiet.
thirteenseconds
of time passed and it was just enough
just enough of a thought
and after thought
and inner though and outer thought and
fucking fear and suddenly
you're too goddamn scared all the goddamn time
she says
she says it so loud i can't hear it anymore
all i hear is her voice
and i quiver
thirteenseconds
of my fucking fears
growing deep in the pit of my stomach
a mistake so quick so fast so horrible
damnit, damnit, damnit, damnitdamnitdamnit
my dreams melting down into those
cracks
fucking fear cracks, that's what they are
cracks of fear crinkling over my
subconscious
and my skeleton quivers
my fucking bones
marrow and tendons and ligaments and
everything makes me feel sick to my stomach
she laughs, smiles, laughs, says things
lots of things
i don't hear them
i can't hear them
they're in her voice
and it kills me that it's not to me
she's saying so many things
too many things, too many things and too many more things
thirteenseconds
was my goodbye, fucking goodbye
in less than half of half of a minute
and watching i remember why
and why not
and who and who not
no, no more, no thanks
skinskinskinskinskin on more skin
smooth and soft and warm but
so far, not mine
not mine
just
thirteenseconds.
yeah, in a mood folks. work was sort of... whatever. hobbit visited with frito, and that was nice, i don't get to see either of them enough. and there was some talk of them getting me drunk off my ass sometime soon. and that's not good. i do stupid shit when i'm drunk... and god knows i'm a moron half the world's time as is, i don't need to keep giving myself more chances to make dumb mistakes.
are there smart mistakes? i know there are "happy accidents" (aka children).
my head hurts. there's someone i'm missing terribly, but i can't be obvious, because every time that i'm too obvious and weird, i drive people away. and i don't want to drive anyone else away, i just want to be happy and feel happy, so i'm kicking myself for thinking i'm not, cause i am.
i just feel like a failure. everyone keeps saying go to school, go to school, get your degree and i get it, i left school for a bit, i need that break. i get it. it wasn't too smart. but no one's perfect. i hate feeling like i'm not good enough. and with my dad at dinner saying all of those "both of my kids could get a's, if they tried, but they're both so goal-less, they don't have the drive" thanks i get it, i don't have the drive i get it i know i know i know i know i fucking know that i'm nothing in this world these days. it makes sense, too, i think. feeling like a failure. but i don't unless other people seem disappointed.
i, as myself, in myself, with myself, don't feel like a failure. i feel like a fucking twenty-one year old who is taking her goddamn time doing everything she can to be happy, going at my own pace. i could still graduate before i'm even twenty-three if i really wanted to, be on my way to grad school and the like if i get some grades tricked around. i could also not go back to school and slum around broadway for a job as an extra hand or a stage hand or a stage manager. but what i really want to do is open a cafe and have conversations with people who disagree with america's display of capitalism and who read literature and who love oscar wilde and kafka and hume in his weird way and enjoy listening to other people read poetry and stories and sing songs and strum on guitar strongs that are going to break.
why can't life be where it should be at all times, instead of stuck in different states around the country.
why.
visiting dave tomorrow... which is going to be interesting. it'll be the first time i hang out with him since i've, y'know, officially moved on in a way. it doesn't help that i'm going to be there, wishing he were a someone in a someplace with some kind of dark curly hair. but am i just thinking too much in my box again? always,always,always with my commas and my punctuation.
i think i really miss vernon, too, because he always gives the best hugs and the biggest smiles and does this head-cocked-to-the-side thing whenever he's impersonating me, and god he knows me better than anyone when it comes to my insides. he reads my heart like a third-grade girl reads nancy drew in a haste to be a sleuth herself.
dreaming of a body next to me, but not enough to let it control me.
unrelated: the gorillaz really are awesome. every time a new song of theirs pops up on my ipod i'm just like "wow... i keep forgetting how good these guys really are."
like "12d3." which is my favorite right now, followed closely by "latin simone" and some song about sunshine in a bag.
going back to reading... might try to write a story or five. have work at seven tomorrow.
movement from this comfortable bed isn't an option. sorry. unless you love me enough to kiss my forehead.
then maybe i'll move. maybemaybemaybe.
-aleey.
she was quiet, oh so quiet
don't say it, don't be it, don't breathe it
she was quiet... so quiet.
thirteenseconds
of time passed and it was just enough
just enough of a thought
and after thought
and inner though and outer thought and
fucking fear and suddenly
you're too goddamn scared all the goddamn time
she says
she says it so loud i can't hear it anymore
all i hear is her voice
and i quiver
thirteenseconds
of my fucking fears
growing deep in the pit of my stomach
a mistake so quick so fast so horrible
damnit, damnit, damnit, damnitdamnitdamnit
my dreams melting down into those
cracks
fucking fear cracks, that's what they are
cracks of fear crinkling over my
subconscious
and my skeleton quivers
my fucking bones
marrow and tendons and ligaments and
everything makes me feel sick to my stomach
she laughs, smiles, laughs, says things
lots of things
i don't hear them
i can't hear them
they're in her voice
and it kills me that it's not to me
she's saying so many things
too many things, too many things and too many more things
thirteenseconds
was my goodbye, fucking goodbye
in less than half of half of a minute
and watching i remember why
and why not
and who and who not
no, no more, no thanks
skinskinskinskinskin on more skin
smooth and soft and warm but
so far, not mine
not mine
just
thirteenseconds.
yeah, in a mood folks. work was sort of... whatever. hobbit visited with frito, and that was nice, i don't get to see either of them enough. and there was some talk of them getting me drunk off my ass sometime soon. and that's not good. i do stupid shit when i'm drunk... and god knows i'm a moron half the world's time as is, i don't need to keep giving myself more chances to make dumb mistakes.
are there smart mistakes? i know there are "happy accidents" (aka children).
my head hurts. there's someone i'm missing terribly, but i can't be obvious, because every time that i'm too obvious and weird, i drive people away. and i don't want to drive anyone else away, i just want to be happy and feel happy, so i'm kicking myself for thinking i'm not, cause i am.
i just feel like a failure. everyone keeps saying go to school, go to school, get your degree and i get it, i left school for a bit, i need that break. i get it. it wasn't too smart. but no one's perfect. i hate feeling like i'm not good enough. and with my dad at dinner saying all of those "both of my kids could get a's, if they tried, but they're both so goal-less, they don't have the drive" thanks i get it, i don't have the drive i get it i know i know i know i know i fucking know that i'm nothing in this world these days. it makes sense, too, i think. feeling like a failure. but i don't unless other people seem disappointed.
i, as myself, in myself, with myself, don't feel like a failure. i feel like a fucking twenty-one year old who is taking her goddamn time doing everything she can to be happy, going at my own pace. i could still graduate before i'm even twenty-three if i really wanted to, be on my way to grad school and the like if i get some grades tricked around. i could also not go back to school and slum around broadway for a job as an extra hand or a stage hand or a stage manager. but what i really want to do is open a cafe and have conversations with people who disagree with america's display of capitalism and who read literature and who love oscar wilde and kafka and hume in his weird way and enjoy listening to other people read poetry and stories and sing songs and strum on guitar strongs that are going to break.
why can't life be where it should be at all times, instead of stuck in different states around the country.
why.
visiting dave tomorrow... which is going to be interesting. it'll be the first time i hang out with him since i've, y'know, officially moved on in a way. it doesn't help that i'm going to be there, wishing he were a someone in a someplace with some kind of dark curly hair. but am i just thinking too much in my box again? always,always,always with my commas and my punctuation.
i think i really miss vernon, too, because he always gives the best hugs and the biggest smiles and does this head-cocked-to-the-side thing whenever he's impersonating me, and god he knows me better than anyone when it comes to my insides. he reads my heart like a third-grade girl reads nancy drew in a haste to be a sleuth herself.
dreaming of a body next to me, but not enough to let it control me.
unrelated: the gorillaz really are awesome. every time a new song of theirs pops up on my ipod i'm just like "wow... i keep forgetting how good these guys really are."
like "12d3." which is my favorite right now, followed closely by "latin simone" and some song about sunshine in a bag.
going back to reading... might try to write a story or five. have work at seven tomorrow.
movement from this comfortable bed isn't an option. sorry. unless you love me enough to kiss my forehead.
then maybe i'll move. maybemaybemaybe.
-aleey.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
mere.
mere is an elegant word to me. i don't exactly know why.
anyway.
the mere fact that my mother has, somehow, let her unhappiness sink into the very marrow of her bones means that no one, and i mean no one, can truly smile and be happy in the house. it's like there's a heavy weight in the air. it's her aura, and when her aura is like that, it fucks everything up.
everything.
i can't even feel happy, i feel like crying. the woman believes herself to be a failure with my brother and i, but she isn't, i thank her for the way she raised me. i've made my own decisions, they aren't her fault when they come out wrong, or her guidance when they come out right. i've decided them on my own; she instilled in me the set of morals and rules i guide my life on, i am the final say in the matter.
however, acting like this, sour and hurt and unable to remain as loving and motherly as she did and has and will certainly again, that's when she fails us. she doesn't realize the effect she has on us. she doesn't see just how much it hurts, knowing she feels this way - because then we feel like disappointments.
at least, i do. my brother is a fucking moron who is lucky he knows how to breathe some days, but, again, that's another story.
i'm just tired. i have to work these next three days (today included), and then have to go into queens on tuesday for school purposes, and i'm fairly certain my goddamn head is going to fall the fuck right off at this point.
the book i'm reading, however, is good. grab on to me tightly as if i knew the way by bryan charles. it's delicious. and poetic. fun, and youthful. very much from the mind of a high school student.
whatever, i'm tired. workworkworkworkworkwork sucks.
-aleey.
anyway.
the mere fact that my mother has, somehow, let her unhappiness sink into the very marrow of her bones means that no one, and i mean no one, can truly smile and be happy in the house. it's like there's a heavy weight in the air. it's her aura, and when her aura is like that, it fucks everything up.
everything.
i can't even feel happy, i feel like crying. the woman believes herself to be a failure with my brother and i, but she isn't, i thank her for the way she raised me. i've made my own decisions, they aren't her fault when they come out wrong, or her guidance when they come out right. i've decided them on my own; she instilled in me the set of morals and rules i guide my life on, i am the final say in the matter.
however, acting like this, sour and hurt and unable to remain as loving and motherly as she did and has and will certainly again, that's when she fails us. she doesn't realize the effect she has on us. she doesn't see just how much it hurts, knowing she feels this way - because then we feel like disappointments.
at least, i do. my brother is a fucking moron who is lucky he knows how to breathe some days, but, again, that's another story.
i'm just tired. i have to work these next three days (today included), and then have to go into queens on tuesday for school purposes, and i'm fairly certain my goddamn head is going to fall the fuck right off at this point.
the book i'm reading, however, is good. grab on to me tightly as if i knew the way by bryan charles. it's delicious. and poetic. fun, and youthful. very much from the mind of a high school student.
whatever, i'm tired. workworkworkworkworkwork sucks.
-aleey.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
huh.
i don't care enough. do not. there are so many things about you that i don't care about that right now, it's not even funny anymore.
i guess i say this out of hate, out of anger. because it stung. it hurt. it was mean. and it threw me off kilter. it was wrong.
i'm not perfect.
i'm human. if you think less of me, that's your own damn business.
do not.
fucking.
broadcast it.
...that's all for now.
-aleey.
i guess i say this out of hate, out of anger. because it stung. it hurt. it was mean. and it threw me off kilter. it was wrong.
i'm not perfect.
i'm human. if you think less of me, that's your own damn business.
do not.
fucking.
broadcast it.
...that's all for now.
-aleey.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
the meaning of life
shoes
boys
love
women
tea
moments between moments
laughter
children
snowflakes
seeing the sunrise
knowing what you want to do
knowing what you should do
being with someone
so many people speculate. what is the meaning of life, where doesn't it come from, how is still existing. no one realizes. no one wants to realize that the meaning of life is circumstantial. or no existent. there is no meaning in life, only meaning in moments, in seconds, in how you live your life, more so. take this very moment. i'm sitting here, writing, waiting for the water to boil so i can have some deliciously watered-down hot chocolate (because if it's made with milk it's too thick) thinking about how much i really want to watch "streets of fire" with michael pare, diane lane and willem dafoe (don't knock my dafoe kick, the guy is pretty much awesome.)
but if i could be where i want to be, which isn't sitting here looking like a bum but instead outside on my pogostick, well i don't know if that would make the meaning in my life any different. and it's not truly that i don't want to be here; life is moments built up where people either sit and recognize that the moment is good, or live their life wondering if the moment would have been better if... but the what ifs and the is the grass greener moments just complicate life.
stop complicating life when you know there's no reason to do it. i wish i didn't. if i could restfully dream of butterflies and banjos and penguins instead of what i wish i was doing with who i wish i was doing it with, i think the absolutely crazy lifestyle i've conceived for myself would be less hectic. but i don't. there's drama in my heart, because i don't know how to smile sometimes.
except now. the water's boiling. and i'm going to drink hot chocolate from a penguin mug. that makes me smile.
the mug is a cute little penguin. with a head that comes off for the drinks. and the head goes back on, to keep it warm. it's beautiful.
hum. perhaps i'll do a devilishly girly thing today and get my nails done. or, perhaps, see if people want to stop by for some scrabble playing, tea and coffee having fun.
or maybe i'll sit, by myself and catch up on craig ferguson.
who knows. the possibilities are endless.
and that's how i know my life has meaning. because i'm enjoying it. (:
-aleey.
boys
love
women
tea
moments between moments
laughter
children
snowflakes
seeing the sunrise
knowing what you want to do
knowing what you should do
being with someone
so many people speculate. what is the meaning of life, where doesn't it come from, how is still existing. no one realizes. no one wants to realize that the meaning of life is circumstantial. or no existent. there is no meaning in life, only meaning in moments, in seconds, in how you live your life, more so. take this very moment. i'm sitting here, writing, waiting for the water to boil so i can have some deliciously watered-down hot chocolate (because if it's made with milk it's too thick) thinking about how much i really want to watch "streets of fire" with michael pare, diane lane and willem dafoe (don't knock my dafoe kick, the guy is pretty much awesome.)
but if i could be where i want to be, which isn't sitting here looking like a bum but instead outside on my pogostick, well i don't know if that would make the meaning in my life any different. and it's not truly that i don't want to be here; life is moments built up where people either sit and recognize that the moment is good, or live their life wondering if the moment would have been better if... but the what ifs and the is the grass greener moments just complicate life.
stop complicating life when you know there's no reason to do it. i wish i didn't. if i could restfully dream of butterflies and banjos and penguins instead of what i wish i was doing with who i wish i was doing it with, i think the absolutely crazy lifestyle i've conceived for myself would be less hectic. but i don't. there's drama in my heart, because i don't know how to smile sometimes.
except now. the water's boiling. and i'm going to drink hot chocolate from a penguin mug. that makes me smile.
the mug is a cute little penguin. with a head that comes off for the drinks. and the head goes back on, to keep it warm. it's beautiful.
hum. perhaps i'll do a devilishly girly thing today and get my nails done. or, perhaps, see if people want to stop by for some scrabble playing, tea and coffee having fun.
or maybe i'll sit, by myself and catch up on craig ferguson.
who knows. the possibilities are endless.
and that's how i know my life has meaning. because i'm enjoying it. (:
-aleey.
Monday, January 11, 2010
timing is everything.
well, all, (and by all i mean the internet, not any mysterious followers i've accrued) i'm back from chicago, and it was lovely, to say the least. and i'm listening to jason mraz 'coyotes' which always makes me happy, because there's the slightly "operatic" part that i found out (while seeing him live) he does himself, and by hell if that doesn't amuse me beyond all reason.
oh shite, i need to call aaron back. i forgot. all right, after i splurge on some blog writing for therapeutic purposes, i'll cozy up on the steps for ten minutes and discuss the ludicrous video he posted for me. rufus a tit man - sure, we'll go with that.
so ramblemumble on the past few days
eddie izzard
long drive to chicago
even longer drive to chicago
no, really, it was way long
so much snow
big hug for mario/from mario
my foot going numb (lead-foot ish)
taking the "orange line"
looking like a tourist
seeing downtown chicago
admiring the snow
itching to write, no materials
trees
beautiful trees
seriously beautiful trees
trekking to see beautiful things
saw day-breakers
segue about day-breakers
it was terrible. i mean really, really terrible. bad vampire movie times a million. something stupid, something ridiculous. it was funny, and i mean, willem dafoe saying "it's like bare-backing a five dollar whore" was great, something about "i love a good bbq" or sam neill's "shit happens, you don't die" because of being a vampire. it could've been better. the climax came too soon, it fell way to quickly, there were no real relate-able characters, and you sort of walked away feeling like it was stupid. i reiterate. stupid.
mmm, more jason mraz.
back to ramblemumble:
trekking through navy pier
to magnificent mile
bought new sneakers
(heels, snow, walking and chicago don't mesh)
cold air
really cold air
eddie izzard
OMG EDDIE IZZARD
joe frolicking down damen
lots of people
silly eddie
raptors
jazz chicken
eighteen foot spears
flicking off hitler's head
going back to mario's
peacing out
breakfast, bacon and eggs
knocked up
zombieland
the bean
wandering around the land of chicago
bar
drunk
bad train ride
sleep
woke up late
started driving late
sad farewell
sad farewell
one more sad farewell
wait, forgot my shoes
one more sad farewell
long drive
stuck in traffic
burritos
more eddie izzard
sleeping, sort of
the book i bought
lost in joe's car
got home at three-thirty
yeah, yeah, yeah.
in a nutshell, that is.
i want to try to play some final fantasy ix tonight... maybe. have to talk to oz, reassure him i love him and don't want to not be friends. silly people.
oh right. aaron. have to call him.
...things i didn't miss:
my phone
children
getting up early for work
people complaining
someone talking to me needlessly
insecurity
sleeping alone.
-aleey.
oh shite, i need to call aaron back. i forgot. all right, after i splurge on some blog writing for therapeutic purposes, i'll cozy up on the steps for ten minutes and discuss the ludicrous video he posted for me. rufus a tit man - sure, we'll go with that.
so ramblemumble on the past few days
eddie izzard
long drive to chicago
even longer drive to chicago
no, really, it was way long
so much snow
big hug for mario/from mario
my foot going numb (lead-foot ish)
taking the "orange line"
looking like a tourist
seeing downtown chicago
admiring the snow
itching to write, no materials
trees
beautiful trees
seriously beautiful trees
trekking to see beautiful things
saw day-breakers
segue about day-breakers
it was terrible. i mean really, really terrible. bad vampire movie times a million. something stupid, something ridiculous. it was funny, and i mean, willem dafoe saying "it's like bare-backing a five dollar whore" was great, something about "i love a good bbq" or sam neill's "shit happens, you don't die" because of being a vampire. it could've been better. the climax came too soon, it fell way to quickly, there were no real relate-able characters, and you sort of walked away feeling like it was stupid. i reiterate. stupid.
mmm, more jason mraz.
back to ramblemumble:
trekking through navy pier
to magnificent mile
bought new sneakers
(heels, snow, walking and chicago don't mesh)
cold air
really cold air
eddie izzard
OMG EDDIE IZZARD
joe frolicking down damen
lots of people
silly eddie
raptors
jazz chicken
eighteen foot spears
flicking off hitler's head
going back to mario's
peacing out
breakfast, bacon and eggs
knocked up
zombieland
the bean
wandering around the land of chicago
bar
drunk
bad train ride
sleep
woke up late
started driving late
sad farewell
sad farewell
one more sad farewell
wait, forgot my shoes
one more sad farewell
long drive
stuck in traffic
burritos
more eddie izzard
sleeping, sort of
the book i bought
lost in joe's car
got home at three-thirty
yeah, yeah, yeah.
in a nutshell, that is.
i want to try to play some final fantasy ix tonight... maybe. have to talk to oz, reassure him i love him and don't want to not be friends. silly people.
oh right. aaron. have to call him.
...things i didn't miss:
my phone
children
getting up early for work
people complaining
someone talking to me needlessly
insecurity
sleeping alone.
-aleey.
Tuesday, January 5, 2010
sort of hungry?
i hate funks. they're certainly unpleasant. and with the days turning from lame to more lame, disappointment has sort of become the underbelly of the monster that is my raging life.
what with jo out of work, pete and the julia having that whole breaking up issue, tom being... i don't know, just a friend, dave being dave and lame and doing that "let's do something" thing then ditching me (it just bugs me when i get my hopes up to hang out with a friend and then get ditched. hence, plans that are set in stone with a few certain awesome people.)
also, i was supposed to leave wednesday for chicago - now it's thursday. because joe has work. and didn't realize. which sort of sucks, y'know? so that was a put down. and i'm in a funk after being told that the way i dressed was... unattractive i guess. and then having someone agree was just lame.
i like braided pigtails. and my glasses. fuck you for thinking they don't mesh. douches.
with that being said, my teeth hurt, i have work at seven am, but have the prospect of seeing beautiful people tomorrow, so i shan't complain.
good eve.
-aleey.
what with jo out of work, pete and the julia having that whole breaking up issue, tom being... i don't know, just a friend, dave being dave and lame and doing that "let's do something" thing then ditching me (it just bugs me when i get my hopes up to hang out with a friend and then get ditched. hence, plans that are set in stone with a few certain awesome people.)
also, i was supposed to leave wednesday for chicago - now it's thursday. because joe has work. and didn't realize. which sort of sucks, y'know? so that was a put down. and i'm in a funk after being told that the way i dressed was... unattractive i guess. and then having someone agree was just lame.
i like braided pigtails. and my glasses. fuck you for thinking they don't mesh. douches.
with that being said, my teeth hurt, i have work at seven am, but have the prospect of seeing beautiful people tomorrow, so i shan't complain.
good eve.
-aleey.
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