will i lost my dignity? will someone care?

haha, like i have dignity. ...or shame.

i can't remember who it was, but i was recently talking with someone who equally has no shame. i think it was the guy last night. whose name i don't remember. uhuhuh. he was with reid and i think another guy whose name i don't remember. so, yeah. ha?

i'm so exhausted. i think. i finally got to sleep today; courtesy of ms. cyndi. i got to school around nine and just... passed out on her bed. for about four hours. which is good. i needed it. and meghan's coming to get me from my house later today, and then we're going to see CJ's band. who knows. maybe it'll be more awesome than it already can be.

i have to text manny later, to let him know i won't be able to make their rehearsal since i'm going to an actual gig. which makes me sad, i haven't seen marcus and cos in awhile. and i haven't met their new band member yet. the uh, bassist. yes. bassist. it'll be fun to meet him i feel. but, gig tonight! cj's band! at... uh, adelphi...? yes.

my brain is so frazzled. i'm on overload.

i saw suckerpunch last night. significantly terrible. yet great, simultaneously. i have to admit, i don't know how i'd felt about it if i'd gone by myself. but having corey on one side and cyndi on the other was what made it great. things we saw in the film:

matrix
big daddies (bioshock reference)
zombie nazis (so, call of duty mixed with L4D)
gundams
booster swords
final fantasy xiii references
inception (it was a dream, in a dream. not kidding.)
moulin rouge (which i still haven't seen)
black swan

i think there were more things in it, i just can't recall them...

i just have to say that corey nelson (aka brocules) is one of the most amazing, smart and helpful people ever. he and hobbit always make me feel better about anything i'm going through. not that i'm going through anything particularly trying, but, yes. it'll be interesting watching my life move on.

sigh.

my head hurts. i still haven't eaten, but i'm not terribly hungry (nor was i particularly interested in the student center's offerings...) so now i'm just tired all over again. i hope i stay awake tonight. i should wear something more gig-friendly. maybe i'll wear that cute dress i got.

ehhhh. maybe not.

i want to get asked out on a real date. that's all i kind of want right now.

but whatever. i think i need to stalk wil some. i haven't heard from him/seen him in months, and it's not fair. nor is the fact that, despite the fact that tomi and i attend the same damn school, i never see her either. at least they see each other, right? but lesigh. i must must must see them soon.

i'm sort of chilly here in the lab. and bored.

and writing a play for class. that i have no inspiration for. my brain is having a hard time comprehending a lot.

so, rawr.

exhausted! hungry! things that must be remedied!

sigh! go listen to jaymay "gray or blue" asap. it's beautiful.

-aleey

oh, remember.

smile. you're never fully dressed without a smile.

(does that imply that if you're naked and smiling, you can be considered fully dressed?)

(i can hear cyndi in my head saying "aleey... aleey stop it. you're thinking way too much about this.)

DONE NOW BYE.

idiots.

the world is full of them.

and after a really fun day, i want to not have to deal with any.

but the person i'm dealing with isn't an idiot.

they're just hurtful.

so, whatever. i really do not give a damn.

i know i'm a terrible friend. i do.

but i try. and i may not always be good at what i attempt, but i try.

sorry i'm not perfect.

again.

-aleey

oh i'll make it all miiiiine.

i woke up renewed today, somehow. it was like a fresh start. odd, that it happened on a tuesday. i attribute much of it to my not having work today (however, the impending thursday work-day is still ominously hanging in front of my eyes...) and the fact that i had a splendidly horrifying time in my native american literature class.

on the list of things that i've learned, thus far, that are insanely surprising while being simultaneously scary is: (vaguely in ramblemumble form)

the fact that indians had guns: this is inherently true. the fabrication that indians solely possessed bows and arrows as a means of defense and attack is just that. guns (or, what they called many-shots) were a sign of power for most indians. they would spend their time getting fine skins and materials to trade with white men (also know as wasichu or napikwans, depending on which tribe you're speaking about) for guns, the white man's water (whiskey) and black water (coffee) and the white sand (sugar) as well as anything else (not limited to clothes, either, from my understanding). they were never fully unarmed or defenseless to the americans who were invading/taking overs firearms and weaponry.

the battle at littlebighorn: now, this is frightening. general custer was a selfish man, who would write articles for papers under the pseudonym "nomad" about himself. he didn't care about his troops at all (meaning, their well-being. they could starve, but as long as he was fed...) and disregarded the advice of his indian scouts that warned him he wouldn't make it through the battle. after he died, without word of how it happened, he was glorified. he was immortalized in fiction and film, praising his actions. they made him a war hero, and it instilled in others the drive to kill off the indians, who were savages not making good use of their land. the indians, though having won the battle, lost it all and had to surrender to the government, which had continuously gone back on its treaties regarding land. (but hey, if there's gold...)

savagery: is a word often connected to the indians. which is ludicrous. reading about them (though, living in my generation we've had certain things more readily available and less glossing-over of facts) has opened my eyes to the inane necessity some people have that forces them to impose their lifestyle on others. exactly what the king was trying to implore americans to do (convert, live the catholic lifestyle), the americans did the indians (convert to americanized methods of teaching/schooling, become christian, farm... etc.) who is the real savage?

well, enough of that. though i could go on for hours.

i saw the king's speech and colin firth was outstanding. he did a phenomenal job. and after seeing the film, i was a little disappointed to know that christian bale won over geoffrey rush, who was also incredibly good. i'm going to consult my history professor about everything tomorrow. i have questions, that i can't ask in class (because it took place in the 1930s, which we haven't yet begun to cover (we're still in the victorian era)). so i'm going to pester him during office hours (hopefully).

i'm exhausted, however, and need to go lay on the couch for a bit.

what else was i going to put here? oh right, bio. need to study some more.

and i need to write my seven-page play due in two days. i'll do that tomorrow morning, though.

then later, if need be.

also, studying. ugh! bio! really? necessary?!

it's the first of march already! on the seventh i can register for swahili. i'm excited.

as well as my classes for next semester.

oy, i'm getting old.

blind date friday. excited, nervous, excited.

spinning right now. don't know why. kind of happy-high. and i get to see james this weekend! which i'm excited about. poetry slams, and such, they'll be medicine for my aching soul. i'm excited. perhaps i'll pester veronica into being a surprise for him, too.

well, loves. off to watch something i think. i'm terribly in the mood to watch sherlock.

now that he's my text noise and my ringtone. it's not healthy... let me just say that.

lit tomorrow. haven't begun to read the aenied. (in all fairness, it is terrible.)

well! tootles.

-aleey

PS.

<3 rufus wainwright, jason mraz, cheese and missy-pie the most adorable kitty ever.

ima a hustler, ima ima hustler

i'm sure that title makes sense to someone out there.

here's a quick synopsis, in a ramblemumble, of my past few days:
friday:
paper
working on paper
finishing paper
emailing pen pal
get stopped by weird guy in computer lab
weird guy in computer lab insists that people on a videogame forum have hacked his credit cards
i am fairly certain they did not
he thinks the words "dantes inferno"
is code for him
on the forums.
one post said "in the beginning of the month, i spent 30 bucks on a special edition..."
his response
"i spend 30 bucks at the beginning of the month on farmville!"
ah, yes.
i see.
obvious connection.
insert eye rolling.
insert attempt to clear this guys mind.
insert attempt to convince guy that site is a legitimate videogame forum site.
not a hacking site.
guy is convinced it's a lawyer from duke university.
proof is in a post that says "duke nukem" in it.
obviously he has solid evidence.
i run run run away as fast as possible.
hide at class.
talk to the awesome old black guy.
who says "ten" "teean" (hard to write it out... better said out loud.)
handed in my paper to levy.
expressed appreciation to him.
left.
went to lit.
saw jess.
ate with jess and anthony.
went home.
cindy, corey and hobbit came over.
we played poker
(SO FUN.)
with aunt maria and mom.
the latter and all four of us
went to see unknown.
go see unknown.
stop reading this list,
and go see it, it's genius.
liam neeson is amazing. end of story.
we get home.
hang out,
i start to pass out.
well, pass out
to craig ferguson.
saturday:
was woken up by meg.
she came over.
i got up, dressed
cleaned a bit
we waited for boys.
went to diner.
veronica came over.
we had shenanigans that included:
beach,
acting like fosse,
hats similar to hat-guys hat from xkcd.com
long car rides
"FUCK YOU" by cee lo green at astronomically loud levels
brocules being awesome
brocula
dancing to "just dance 2"
hobbit yelling at me for recording...
corey and i tearing up just dance 2
robbie coming over
all of us gunfighting outside
twice.
for the camera.
my mom and aunt were laughing at us.
we ate dinner.
veronica and rob came back after their dinner.
we watched despicable me.
i now have a blind date for friday, with rob's friend mike.
kind of excited... more nervous.
am i ready.
am i ready.
holy, wow, who knows...
sunday:
grandpa's.
it's always sad seeing him that way.
grandma made food.
"i see you're paying me a compliment" (aka i ate all the food, first time in a while)
falling asleep on her couch
again
per usual.
grandpa with his zipper scar.
grandpa with no underwear.
somari. being... somari.
and her husband (lover?) being sweet.
going home,
not doing homework,
hanging out with hobbit.
waiting for veronica and robbie and clare.
eating chips.
watching the oscars.
YES. melissa leo.
YES. alice in wonderland.
YES. christian bale.
WTF THE SOCIAL NETWORK?!
yes james franco in a dress.
yes anne hathaway making fun of hugh jackman.
yes, kirk douglas being adorable.
yes, yes, kings speech.
then attempting jimmy kimmel.
then sleeping.
everyone went home.

today.

PHEW.

today was not bad either. i had a bit of a down. i thought about being second best again, and fear kind of took me. what if it happens again? will i ever be enough? will anyone ever want me? will i be good enough?

then i remembered. it didn't matter. gil didn't matter.

it's all better now. mom is amazing.

got to work, louisa called out, so i had joe. and joe is amazing. because joe does dishes. and always makes me smile.
always.

we had fun chatting.
he got to see his life coach (ben) who was actually not insightful today.
i wonder if he napped too much.

we closed fairly quickly... but i left my book inside, so i had to leave a little later. stupid forgetfulness. lesigh.

jess called a few times, but always at inconvenient ones. so i couldn't answer. called her back, she picked up and hung up. then texted that she was tired, so at least i know she doesn't hate me.

i have bio, then playwriting, then native american lit tomorrow.

and no work! so i get to dress like a real girl! it's fabulous. and that cute guy brian will hopefully be in class. i think i'll tell that to mike. that i think he's cute, of course. who knows. maybe he is sending me side-long glances, like steve may or may not have been doing all last semester in class. or maybe not. maybe i just like boys that like me.

or don't like me...?

my head is spinning.

and i'm nomming pizza. mmmm... pizza.

and i want a kiss. a real, nice, warm and fun kiss.

and to be held. mmm. i had a dream about that brian kid.

it was weird. we were at otakon. i'll... end it there.

haha. but! i was dressed as lulu! perhaps some of this dream is clairvoyant.

holy rusting metal batman! this message has gotten long. but more to put... sorry folks, it's a long one tonight.

i was going over some of my favorite memories, and i think i want to put them in top-five order of the best ever in my life.

five: this past saturday. life doesn't get any better than good friends having good times being crazy, making a music video. i don't deserve my friends.

four: the day my dad and i went into the city. for a father/daughter day. we were driving... driving, driving, driving... nearing our destination. and he says "you know where we're going?" so reply "no, why?" and he looks at me and smiles and says "i think you need pie..." i got so excited, clapped and said "i need pie!" he took me to the empire diner. the burger was great. and we didn't try their pie, but i'm sure it was fantastic. we then went to central park. talked, and had a blast. he's a great dad, it was a great day, and i'll never forget it (hopefully).

three: the day aaron and i got together. now, don't be misled. this doesn't mean i have feelings for him, but the way it all happened was great. he was walking with me and james and henry to dunkin donuts. we sat and talked, and while i was up getting something (with aaron at the table with james and henry next to me) henry pointed to me and mouthed "do ou like her?" and he said "who?! james? i'm not gay!" mouthing back to him. and then we sat, talked, walked across campus and henry left the two of us talking on charlie (the vent that gave us warmth.) so we talked, and talked and talked for a good.. forty minutes on that thing. then he walked me to my car, and as we're going up the block, i said something about how guys get bored of me. and he said that girls would get bored of him once they realized he wasn't always crazy, and that's why they wouldn't want to date him. i gave him a backwards hug and said that i'd totally date him. he said "really? do you... want to?" and i asked if that was a backwards way of asking me out, he said yes, and we held hands on the way to my car. we sat at my car, kissed, giggled, huddled together and finally i dropped him off on my way home. that night will always make me smile... without fail.

two: six flags. i guess the best way to sum that day up, is: i didn't flash batman (though would have if he'd asked...), skull mountain was amazing and "are you the only girl with five guys?" "yep." "how?" "they're like... all my brothers. it's amazing." and fudge. lots of delicious fudge. such an.. amazing day. so amazing.

one: i have to admit, i'm crying as i think about this one. it hurts to think about. it hurts, because i miss it. and it was amazing. and there's... nothing that could ever replace it. in the summer of 2005, before my senior year of high school, my family went on our first real vacation together, to florida. during the first week we did fun things, you know, disney and universal and stuff. but more importantly, that first week we spent time with my uncle larry. and it was the last time i spent time with him. we took pictures of him snoring, and i cuddled with him on the couch, and he called me baby girl, and tried to convince my parents to let me move in with him so i could get residency in florida for college. he loved me so much. the second week we went to target, and i picked up harry potter six. and spent the week at my uncle jimmy's house. he and i would eat cheetos for breakfast. and laugh when my parents woke up to see it. he took me on a long, long motorcycle ride. to buy my dad a funky shirt. he always, too, called me baby girl. and he and i fell asleep one night watching a tom selleck western. that was the last time i saw him, too. that vacation was the last time i saw two of the most important and amazing people in my life. and i value that time, those memories, above any, because they are among the cherished few i have of both of them. i love you, uncle larry, uncle jimmy.

well, now i'm drained. after that last moment, i'm sort of just ready to sleep.

love you all. remember, keep smiling.

-aleey

anger.

or, aggravation. really.

things that tip me over the edge include:

when brooks decides to just leave plates on the counter, instead of walking to three feet to the dishwasher.

when customers ask me for stupid drinks.

when my stomach gets all knotted and refuses to let me eat.

when i have horrible dreams.

when i get stepped on (physically, it's unpleasant...)

when terrible people play great, iconic characters in tv shows or movies and RUIN them.

cockroaches. ew.

being cold with goosebumps.

having a cold and/or cough.

-- moving on --

so yesterday wasn't bad. i snuggled forever on the couch, napped, watched lots of nothing. went to work and whined about not having cake balls (don't ask, if you don't know, just know they're delicious) and then got sent home at ten.

segue: the wind tunnel at my job hates me. and, well, everyone. but i think me in particular. i couldn't walk forward for a good few seconds because of how powerful it was. - end segue.

my toes are kind of cold... they keep getting that slight numb, tingling feeling.

my old book idea is still burning in my head, but i keep getting discouraged. only a few people know the extent of it (actually... i think maybe two? and one i don't talk to all that often anymore, 'cause he got a girlfriend and i had a boyfriend haha. that, and his band practices in crazy amounts.)

i guess, without someone behind me, saying do it do it do it do it do it it's hard to feel motivated. but then again, i've been getting lazier these past two weeks. i need to pick up my game again. once i hang out with steve, i'm sure i'll feel rejuvenated. somehow his show-off-ness (jokiiing) always makes me feel like moving and doing things.

kat made a copy of the "mumford and sons" album for me. so. good. dear. god.

i've been on a practically liquid-diet these past few weeks. i wonder if i weigh less... curious.

i need someone to cuddle up next to and kiss, quasi-soon. but not too soon, 'cause i might pretend their gil o.O haha.

i wish today were warmer.. i'd wear a skirt. i think i'll do that on friday. 'cause i have a real quick visit to qc to drop off deposits, then meg's coming out to shoot video, so i want to look nice. (: i still remember, right around this time last year was when she made that music video to "only exception" with mario. it came out really nice.

on formspring, they asked randomly "if you could put any fortune in a fortune cookie, what would it be?"

it'd be "you will smile soon."

because it'd make the person smile, and come true.

the idea of it makes me smile.

so, hey, buck up people.

smile. life's not that serious. (this is all to my subconscious, by the way)

i've never believed in "sometimes it's not meant for right now" as much as i do now, but i also believe in "sometimes you just have to wait, it'll happen."

i get that you're supposed to be avidly searching, but at the same time, you're not.

you have to be open to life. that's how i fell for gil. who knows, maybe i'll get lucky.

maybe i'll meet someone the same way.

maybe i'll fall in love.

OR maybe i'll turn into a cat lady with eighty cats and smelling like oatmeal, hoping for diana's son felipe to take care of the both of us as we die slowly...

wow that's morbid. okay, i'm going to laze about still. watch some tv. then get ready.

STEVE DAY. i'm excited.

-aleey

ps. remember. smile.

here it goes, here it goes again.

i'm glad he's happy. i'm not glad he's happy without me, but i guess that's the price i pay for not being good enough.

here we go:

i'm tired of being the girl who people get bored of. i'm tired of finding myself alone because something new and shiny, better and more loveable comes along. i don't want him to pity me, i want him to think back to that first date.

pizza we barely touched, quoting emporer's new groove to the point that jamal hated us, sean sitting in the room with us as we sang disney songs and shyly avoided kissing each other. me dropping him off at home and saying "would you like to kiss me?" and then him doing it.

or the first time he spent the night. we didn't sleep. we watched monster's inc., muppets from space and james and the giant peach.

or the drawing he had of me, that day at his house.

here's a clump of things i remember, of us and of him:
rush 2112
him liking KISS when he was younger
how when he's in a bad mood, he listens to heavy metal
bloomers
rorschach and dead pool (a nut and a fool...)
jinx, you owe me a soda
the eiffel tower made of rifles (neither of us remembered what this was about, though)
tickle fighting
wrestling
archer
playing EBA
just keep swimming, just keep swimming
the night he stayed up to talk me down from being scared after paranormal activity two
the secrets i told him, and only him
love
love
love

watching project runway.

i must've been terrible. i shouldn't have made fun of him as much as i did. i should've tried harder.

maybe he'd still be here.

all of my wishing and dreaming doesn't do any good. and in all honesty, i have been doing better. i just miss it. it was... well, hell. it was special. and i liked it. and i took advantage of it. and i ended up not being what he wanted.

which is apparently my stigma in life. so i'm getting used to it.

but i have been doing better. i've been laughing, smiling, and doing my best to keep focused and busy. but i never give up hope, because even though he says "i'll never get back with someone i broke up with" i can pretend that maybe what we had was good enough to make him go back on that. because like i said in that conversation, the first ever that we had, i'd take him in a heart beat.

he really was that good.

unrelated:

i have papers to write and oh man it's getting crazy. i want to eat something but i'm still in a not so hungry mood and i need sweatpants so i can get cozy.

and i think i'll take a nap in a few, instead of reading for class tomorrow. i'm not worried though. i should also text franz and like him know i can't hang tomorrow, since i'll have no car.

gil, i love you. how pathetic am i.

-aleey

difficult.

it's been difficult to eat. i tried earlier, and now i feel like throwing up.

i'm not as emotional as i was, say, yesterday around this time, but now i'm dealing with the aftermath of a bad break-up. it still hurts, i'm still in a rut, and i'm still worrying about him because i want him to be happy, but i'm still trying to make myself happy, and that's difficult. i don't want to get up and date anyone for awhile, and now i'm really going to be so careful and selective i'm a little scared whether or not there will be anyone else at this rate. it's gotten significantly harder for me to trust someone.

especially with sincere words like i love you. that'll be difficult for me to recognize and believe and put any sense of faith into.

i'll look forward to the day when it'll work out again, but for the time being, flying solo and buying cute dresses with a soon-to-be-pawned penguin necklace seems to be my station.

with all that said, i am.. happy. to an extent. content. in knowing that i didn't screw up, that he just didn't want to try anymore; something i truly didn't see coming. blindsided. that's what i was. blindsided by false hope.

hearing things like it was hard to say i love you and we had an expiration date and i can't be with someone like that hurts, but i'm better. already better. knowing that one day, someone who means i love you will be around and won't disappear at the first sigh of danger.

because dry spells happen to everyone. everyone has issues. my parents do sometimes too. and it takes time for everything to even out, for problems to be worked through. he wasn't willing to work through them.

so now i have to feel liberated, and it's hard when i know i still love him. because it sucks having your heart ripped out, spat on and thrown away.

but whatever. as pigeon john so dutifully said, life goes on.

not matter if your life is tattered and you can't fix what went wrong, life goes on.
not matter if your life is battered, you're a hook in your own theme song, life goes on.
your a fighter but the grip is tighter and you know that you can't stand long, life goes on.
but it's gonna get brighter, life goes on.

-aleey