sometimes i just wish i wasn't an idiot.

that'd be nice.

er?

i haven't written in here in months.

aloha!

clarification, maybe?

i could use some.

well, not really. what i want is to know, for certain, how you feel.

that's all.

it's just that.

feeling. notion. existence of something that is no longer nothing but isn't quite around yet. something that i can taste, smell; something that tickles my skin and makes it incredibly difficult for me to not feel electrified by everything around me and yet at the same time, puts me in a cage and prevents from tapping into something extremely fantastic and wild.

that's what i want again.

how do i say that?

today sucked.

that's all.

i feel like i'm being attacked by a bug.

well, presently anyway. i have my hair up in a messy bun and the tendrils are freaking me out. i think it has something to do with the fact that i'm pretty certain a creepy-crawly-with-wings followed me in through the front door. so now i have that itching over my skin as if imaginary ticks are crawling and gnawing on me. of course to my knowledge they're not and i'm just being obnoxious, but what else is new?

so, a better look at what took place in texas.

gah holy crap my tooth hurts so bad right now owowowowowow.

okay. better. stuck my head between my knees, took deep breaths, took some advil. better. yes, much.

so anyway. texas... well, here's the really important things:

my titi lisa is amazing. she's a total sweetheart, a lot of fun to spend time with and i love her smile. i know that sounds sort of cheesy, but whenever she smiles it's just so genuine i can't help but adore it. and making her laugh always made me feel nice. it was interesting spending time with a woman who, until last year, i'd never even known existed. yet her home is now a second home to me. i love it.

my tio tito is fabulous. he's so fun. he just makes me laugh and yet he's like one of those people who i know if i ever needed someone other than my dad to go running to, it'd be him. he's such a fun person to be around and he made my stay there great. we had some laughs and he's incredibly smart.

liz is a nutjob. really, there's not much else to say.

ben is a sweetheart. he seems a little insecure, and he's incredibly quiet, but he got more comfortable around us as the days went by.

we did a lot of shopping, snagged people some great gifts and i'm glad to be home. all i can really sum up anymore is that it was a blast.

because now i just want to rest and not think.

so i'm back.

back again. yes i'm back. tell a friend. (except not really, that'd be strange.)

so i've just returned from texas. by just i mean, yesterday, but i was busy seeing people so the internet was still far from my mind. however i did want to do the obligatory blog-update about my oh so interesting life while i was away. let's run through things, shall we?

we left early on thursday morning. i had decided that spending the entire night before up with james was a much better spending of my time then doing work or sleeping, so that's just what i did. we stayed up, read together, watched some awesome wesleyan poets on youtube and watched man v. food on food network until i eventually passed out for two hours prior to being shipped off. got up to my mom nudging me, dressed really quickly and reapplied my make-up, and the journey began without a hitch. we got there in record time, about six am. checked in and went to our terminal and then got some au bon pain for breakfast. hung out a bit, talked some, and then boarded.

smallest. flight. ever. literally, on the left hand side of the plane the row was only one seat. the right side had two seats. the seats themselves gave me more back problems then heavy lifting at work. fun. fun fun fun i tell ya. i passed out for the majority of the flight, with my head on my mom's lap. comfortable.

we got to north carolina, which was nice and sunny, drank some coffee, read our individual books, and then boarded for another two hours to get to dallas. the flight was more fun this time. the girl next to me liked mob wives, so we chatted about it. and mom and i watched some nbc 30 rock shenanigans on the little tv they had. what's all the hype about that show? it's only so good.

got to dallas. got our bags. titi lisa picked us up and we immediately headed out to go shopping. this great place called sam moon's. it's like a wholesale place for bags and wallets, and a lot of pretty jewelry. i got a few peoples gifts from there (okay, most...) and i'm certain they'll love it.

so then we headed to... food? i can't remember now. i know we did more shopping. but i was incredibly hungry. i think something happened in between but god knows what. we wound up at chik-fil-a which i'd never had before. it was yummy. then we headed to the house, where i briefly met elizabeth, my cousin, who is such an adorable little nutjob. i think ben was there, too, and he's just as cute. she's fifteen, he's sixteen. they're pretty fun.

oh gosh, i'm getting tired. i need to shower and go about my business. when i get home tonight, i'll fully update. important things: i got all my grades, i finished sabriel and am now reading the passage and mmm joe's crab shack is good.

lata gata.

and just like that.

thank you, to jess for baring with me, to james for... jesus, being james and just somehow always making my life better, mike for unknowingly being adorable on tumblr, veronica for being so sweet, strudel for always being one of the best people ever, and mark for sending me a novel to wake up to that both made me smile and evaluate my life simultaneously.

to say i'm feeling better is an understatement. i'm much more upbeat, despite the fact that i smelt like sewage upon arriving home due to the obnoxious place of work i attend regularly. my hair is wet and i hate when i sleep with my hair wet, but hey. it's simply what happens when you have to stick your arm down the drain at work as it clogs up and makes water ripple all over the floor.

in some ways this was a good thing, because it made me take longer cleaning up and not have to do more book floor work. i hate this place, but love it so much. my head is killing me. i'm so tired. but i really want to watch mob wives, read and curl up with someone but my book is downstairs, i'm alone in this bed and mob wives isn't on demand.

so i fail. at... life, temporarily. but tomorrow promises to be amazing. as does tuesday.

wednesday isn't spoken for. yet. i suppose we'll see. if anyone wants to do something, please to be letting me know? (:

<3

it's funny.

whenever i get this feeling, something happens. i don't know what. but almost always something changes. who i'm talking to, what i'm saying; i'm back to being guarded. like a shell. part of me doesn't want to talk to anyone actually. i want everyone to disappear so i can just do the few important things: go to work, spend time with my family. everyone and everything can leave me alone.

i'm sure i'll look back at see that this won't have actually happened, but right now is a life as a salesman moments. attention must be paid or in my case, not paid. i want it all to just turn to mist and dissipate. it's days like these when all i long to do is run away. i wish i could run away, change my name and start all over. and as horrible as it sounds, if i had the money, i probably would've done this years ago.

how sad is that?

i want to be something i'm not. and i don't want to feel like someone who needs to be talked about, or who bothers people. i don't mean to be. i have a hard time letting myself be happy and keeping everyone else happy and being around. so right now, no. i don't want to be around. at first i was sad the semester was over, and that half of the people left to their respective states.

now i'm happy. really happy. because now i can just sit here and wallow and be alone and not have to worry about class or seeing people breaking it up and making it difficult for me to remain as such. i can go back to watching movies with my mom, hanging out with joanna and hobbit and corey; to sleeping in on my days off and to pretending that my life is actually headed somewhere.

unrelated: i've restarted sabriel by garth nix. so far so good. going to buy the passage by justin cronin later this week before i go to texas so i can have some good times on the plane.

all right. going to clean my room to the sweet sweet sounds of... someone. then it will officially be time to indulge in family night. i hope i don't continue to feel this way.

oh blog. thanks for listening.

caught up as a dreamer.

these past few days have given me a lot to think about. i've been having splendid times (time after time) with my friends, studying for finals and not-sleeping. i poured out an iced coffee i bought for the very occasion that had been sitting in my room the past few days and when i did the soy milk and humidity of my room had made it into a fine sludge of brownish cream. disgusting isn't the word; thankfully it didn't wreak. now i'm in the in-between-moment of having just helped mom clean the house and the necessity of cleaning up my room.

i was in a funk yesterday. it's got no reason behind it, mind you. yesterday i got to spend some time with jess and anthony before she drove him to the airport and after our last final. we wrote russell a card (he was our west lit professor) and he was fairly amused by anthony's poem. it was using the letters of russell's name. it all rhymed until the last line "learning without you next year is gonna suck, man" - priceless. anyway.

so i went with my mom to kohls on her break so she could get pillows. we discovered "egyptian cotton" pillows. if they'd been king sized we would've bought them, for the sheer amusement of saying to my dad "it's egypshun cotton mothafokuh." (it's from the sam l. version of shaft. peoples hernandez.) then i went back to school, picked up mike and we went and got strudel, then drove... wow, where'd we go after that? we went to visit cyndi, right. i honestly couldn't remember. visited cyndi and gave her boxes i got for her from work so she could pack up more stuff. gave away cigarettes that strudel and mike didn't want. then met nelly, who no longer believes i am invisible. she seems nice, though my view of her will remained skewed until i find out the true motives behind why she and the others all hurt cyndi, because i still don't fully grasp it.

anyway.

strudel came over, we enjoyed the first episode of mob wives, which yes, i admit is total trash, but totally good trash that i can't stop loving. and now strudel loves it too. it's outstanding. if i can be anyone, i want to be drita d'avanzo. because holy shenanigans, she's fabulous. and she will put you in a hospital if you get into a fight with her. love it.

so then i dropped her off at work at pfy, then went back on campus to watch mike pack for a bit. and, of course, to distract him from working for a bit, which was nice. we took cyndi out for dinner at napo's, went back to her room to help her finish cleaning, then i shimmyed my way home.

i'm still in a strange funk. it's like i'm just... starting to feel insanely self-conscious all over again. little things that people say, or do. notes they make. observations. requests. it's hard for me to feel entirely comfortable these days, and i don't know who to tell. at all. i feel like i'm in this tiny little box of imaginary-isms of who i am and am not and i'm stuck pretending half of the time that i'm happy. and sometimes i am. sometimes that smile i've got is truly genuine. and then sometimes it's really not.

i'm back to that stage in my life where i feel like i'm unattractive and not worth it; that i'm a horrible friend. yes, i know, i've done things for my friends in the past, but come on? really? i can be kind of heartless. and lazy. goddamnit. i feel like i'm just... going to constantly be a disappointment. that all i do is fail. that i'll never be good enough or worth the effort.

it drives me crazy feeling like this and i just... i don't usually have the guts to even write it here. but i can't just sit here and not let myself become aware of how i'm feeling. i feel... i don't even really know how i feel. i just do.

and it's starting to make me lose it a little inside.

i'm so glad my semester is over. i hope i get B's and up. i should. hopefully.

i'm really not emo, i swear. i'm just in an indescribable funk. all i really want is to spend a full day with my lackey because no matter what happens in my life, strudel always makes me happy. always, without fail. she's who i feel the most comfortable with. for everything.

all right. i'm going to lay down. maybe watch some more mob wives. pretend i don't exist. phone = off. for... however long i can let that go on for.

oh, right.

my aunt's cancer didn't spread. i'm incredibly happy about it. she won't need anything other than surgery. it was such a huge relief to hear. huge.

"i want a green iced tea. that comes iced, right?"

no, ma'am. we've defied physics and managed to make our iced tea hot. slàinte.

as i walked toward the register, i discovered a boy (i say boy as he looked to maybe still be in his mid to late teens) in a strange beige almost-mesh sweater over a vibrant tie-dye t-shirt wearing a cap side-ways on his head. the odd thing of this (i exclude his clothing because i've seen far worse at work) is that he was circling his nipple. or, well, his peck, but other way it was incredibly off-putting and i'm near certain my eyes were the size of baseballs as i tried to remain calm and collected and take his order. it was just simply peculiar.

my favorite customer is ali. he's, fantastic. there's no other way to say it. he's simply the sweetest human being ever and really, makes everyone smile. he always comes in the early morning and either gets a small coffee or a tea (usually a tea). morning tea is the green tea with coconut (our thai tea) and evenings he comes in for his refill, which is almost always without fail an african autumn tea. always two tea bags, for potency purposes.

every night he comes up, around ten-fifty (we close around eleven) to get extra hot water for his depleted cup of tea. tonight he seemed to be occupied, so i moseyed over and took his cup and asked if he wanted extra hot water. he made to stand up and follow but i waved him off and refilled the cup and walked it back to him (we were near finished with closing and i really had nothing more important to do, and besides, i love the guy, he's a sweetheart) then went back to work.

a few seconds later, as i'm wiping down the counters, i see him standing near the pick up area leaning on the marble top. he smiles and tells me that the very action i'd performed, which in my nature is instinct to do considering i know his regular needs come tea-drinking time, was why i was so special.

see, i hate my job. i do. but when it comes to my regulars (ali, sue, john, james, other james, wayne, mike, etc.) i can't help but neglect the desire to get a new one. it's harder to explain than it would be if you just worked there, and trust me, i had never dreamed i'd still be stuck in a near dead-end retail job making barely a buck over minimum wage while still in school at twenty-two, but i'm glad it's this job, with these people, because i don't know if i could handle the beige of the real world.

well, i need to study, unfortunately. i plan on finishing up the book i need for tomorrow's class, re-reading some sparknotes for the book ceremony so i can recall it all to memory as needed, then off to the fair with hobsbawm, arnstein and the ohsofabulous levy's book for notations and hopeful comprehension of the ways of the brits from world war i to world war ii. huzzah.

oh, mob wives is terribly good, i love drita, my shoes are getting ruined due to dish-washing and constant wear, i can't wait to be able to read once finals are all said and done, i think i incomprehensibly lost weight again, and i realize i say 'i love you' at the end of nearly every phone call (baring a few of the occasional creepers i am made to put up with.)

i also need to note that, even though we still barely know much about each other, i'm happy with mike. we get along great and we have fun together, and he's sort of like a gay best friend that i actually get to date. it's a lot of fun. i'm in a good mood most days now. which is pleasant.

i can't wait for texas. it's going to be amazing.

also, strudel, i love you, you make my world go round.

right. studying. OFF.

the reasons

remember? remember when i said i didn't want to sleep upstairs because of how strange it is up here? remember how i said it makes me uncomfortable to be around them? especially when they don't know how to talk to one another and how they fight and everything?

yeah. yeah. this is why i don't want to be here. why i kind of just want to go back downstairs. she doesn't know how to raise a child. and he's so spoiled he refuses to think that he needs to change or do anything. he's nine years old. this isn't cute, or funny, or something to condone. this is idiotic. there's no middle ground, now discipline followed up on or rules to guide him. i can't stand it.

and then it just... dissipates. goes back to normal, and i'm just sitting here, wondering what the hell is going on anymore. i do miss being downstairs, seeing my mom, but i like having privacy. there's such a trade-up right now for me, and the pros and cons aren't weighed the ways i thought they'd be. and it sucks. big time.

sigh.

attemptive.

that's how my life has been these past few days. attemptive. i'm aware this isn't a recognized word in the english language, but it best describes how everything has widdled out. also not a word. whatever, i'm after having cared of such things.

so, i was in a bit of a funk. i am now better. oddly enough, i feel happier. it's almost as though things fixed themselves. sort of. i still have the flu, which is god awful, but that's fixing itself slowly. i plan on getting a good nights rest. and finishing an essay. and taking more medicine. and never, ever, ever kissing mike while he's sick ever again (which is such a terrible lie... let's be honest.)

i feel a little underwhelmed with mike some times. i know i really like him and i worry that he just doesn't like me as much. there's my only dilemma. however, we've just started dating (a few days over a week) so it's not incredibly surprising that we still know next to nothing about each other, and yet i still have this... creeping feeling. i'm keeping myself guarded on every front. mostly because the last guy i attempted anything with stopped talking to me for two weeks randomly with no reason and the guy before that decided to leave me for some random short asian big-boobed chick.

i stopped caring about that nonsense personally and in regards to them, but it makes me very skeptical of... well, everything. i just. god, where's vernon and his impeccable explanations of myself when i need him? he does it better than i do (that's sad, i can't lie.)

when i was seeing dave all those years ago (hahahaha, not years, i know) vernon hit the nail on the head. he actually impersonated me perfectly. he said you just need to tell him that he needs to remind you of why he likes you. and then he impersonated me. body language an all. saying "i know it's a little silly and i'm sorry i'm so awkward but i just need a reminder as to why you like me, if you like me, every once in awhile, so i know i'm not alone here" or something akin to that. and hey, in all honesty, it worked. for awhile.

but vernon really did get it right. i just... i need that reminder every once in awhile. it's nice when it happens. hah. love it. i miss that guy. sigh.

i'm not into writing papers, but it needs to get done. sigh. love you all.

ugh.

maybe it's because i'm sick, maybe it's because i feel delusional or maybe it's the stress of finals finally hitting me (or worse, maybe it's all of that nonsense, simultaneously) but i feel.. something. worst of all, it could be something i'm too afraid to put my name to.

so i'm seeing mike, which is nice. i do like him. we get along well and he's adorable. i just have this sinking feeling. it comes from feeling like he doesn't have too-strong feelings for me, mixed with him quite possibly being gay. if it weren't for the fog that i'm in i probably wouldn't even be admitting any of these flying-around thoughts. it hit me last night when i was driving back home (well, was being driven back home, as i didn't have a car) after the witches brew.

minor segue, i just checked my hofstra email and one of them was about music fest. firstly: i don't care about anyone who's at music fest. i don't know anyone except big boi, and who knows if he'll be any good without andre 3000. but anyway, what bugged me was the whole "alumni can came for a donation of 5 dollars". why are they charging them? and if they're gonna charge them, just say you will. say "5 bucks for alumni." be easier and i'd find it less annoying.

anyway.

so this sinking feeling i have. i do think he has some feelings for me (he doesn't seem like a malicious person to just poof appear in a relationship for shits and giggles) but i don't know entirely. it's almost as though i'm just still waiting for someone to find me interesting enough to have around. maybe i'm being melancholy, which is incredibly possible, but who knows.

it doesn't help that i'm sick and i have to work tonight. but i can't call out. i really have to go. it's too late, and if i don't go it'll just be sad. i can't get anyone to cover. and i've known for the past few days that i was sick, so i can't just spontaneously cover this shift. ugh. so foggy.. i'm going to need to get dayquil or something. i won't make it if i don't.

i want to do something and feel accomplished. i don't want to be sick. i want to feel better. i want to... i don't know.

ugh. i hate that sense of missing something that has, yet again, popped it's ugly head into my life.

whatever. i'm too fogged up to put a sentence together properly. whatevs. i'm off.

for now.

it was not your fault but mine

and it was your heart on the line.

i really fucked it up this time.

didn't i my dear?

didn't i my dear.

so i'm out and about with jess at the moment. (by out and about i mean in my newly acquired bed room on the floor as she does some extra studying for a test in the morn.)

had a pretttttttyy sweet day. met up with her after my native lit class, we just chilled for a bit with mark and mike. went to my house so i could get changed, then went to her house so she could get her belongings. had an epic drive to her house, an epic drive through the taco bell drive through and an epic drive back listening to savage garden and lil' wayne. it was noice.

i'm sick. and tooooo tired to really understand... anything. at all. and i should have a doctor's appointment in the morning. we shall see, soon i'm sure.

all right. love you all.

night (:

not gonna lie.

i'm pretty fucking awesome.

that being said, i started to write a great tribute play to a few of my friends that have all passed away. it's great. refreshing. emotionally draining, but meaningful.

also, i had a great day.

too tired to write about it. strudel, i'll call you tomorrow at some point.

lovelovelove.

trying to write this goddamn play.

and i just can't figure it out. i have such a block right now. i can't do anything at all, i can't figure anything out, my head is reeling and i have no idea why. i'm on this weird spiral.

not a good one.

not at all.

even though last night was great, i'm in this funk that keeps me from progressing... anything. at all. i don't know what to do anymore. i can't even think. this is too hard.

and here i go, writing about death again. fantastic.

magnanimously important.

and yet, entirely not at all.

i've been feeling off today. i accuse many a things, and yet it all comes back to how utterly easily it is to shatter what little self-esteem i establish for myself. which is problematic, because regardless of whether or not the cause of this downward spiral is my own, i blame myself for it, which gives me even less regard and even further deprecation to my being.

c'est la vie.

i can't get cattail down, by mewithoutYou out of my head.

it's terribly good.

i don't even really know why. i think its his voice, the style of the song. hauntingly beautiful would be the words i choose.

i've a significant dilemma on my hands. i promised manny and cos i'd go see port city play at a brewery in patchogue. but it's a: far and b: late at night.

and now my husband has offered to take me see a yankees game. box seats. not that either of us particularly care about sports, but it's the tempting fruit of spending time with him and not having to pay for anything that keeps me going. i don't know. manny might hate me if i bail, again. and i did promise him first. so he does have first rights.

maybe i'll ask him tomorrow. and see if he really hates me. hopefully the vote on that one is no.

i think i'm going to just sit here and write this paper, then sit here and read pages 1-150 of don quixote like i have all the time in the world. then i'll shower, go get my bio lab booklet, finish what's due for tomorrow, skim the notes for the to-do lab and then. i don't know. eat something or something.

elegant, al. real elegant.

the problem with having unrequited, completely unhinged feelings that there was no resolution for for someone is the affect it has on how i feel about other people. out of my slight perplexed fog comes the emergence of feelings toward someone who has been a friend/acquaintance for awhile. not someone i'd ever really thought entirely too much of, but was never not fond off. i know i had something of a tickling when i first met him when i did, and it was always nice seeing him, but i don't know.

maybe i'm just so incredibly incapable of keeping a man that it's impossible for me to view anything else than what i've ever had.

well, let's be honest now. i've dated quite the myriad of souls. from writers, to druids, to jews, to christians, to short, to tall, to black, to white. i have no particular sole desired mate. i take all of it on faith that this person will be there for the things that matter.

when i really think about, compatibility-wise, the likelihood of my affections of the particular person from before probably wasn't all that real. it was desire, sure, but let's be honest. what good was going to come from it?

steve is right in what i need. the only issue is, i am too scared to attempt attaining and i don't know how to do anything anymore. i have no backbone, no cockiness to speak of, no pride, no forwardness.

i wish i did. perhaps if i did, i wouldn't have let nearly two weeks go by without talking to him. but nerves and collapsing belief in attraction can do that to a person. mesmerized by the dangling sliver of hope i had, i disillusioned myself into thinking i'd managed to maintain the gaze of someone for more than a passing brief moment.

i suppose i was wrong, but i don't know. i'm too much of a coward to query.

query always reminds me of tom.

all of this utterly self-deprecating talk isn't helping my essay writing. and my eyes are getting blurry, so i should concede defeat and get back to work before i give up.

to the men and women that have their hearts on their sleeves and their bravery on their tongue,

may i someday gather some of your self-worth.

for the sake of my own.

please.

aesop rock, buttered popcorn and "the passage"

so. i got to work my 7-3 today. which always makes me elated. because come on. i get to work an hour by myself, setting up. then jo came in, halfway through, with donuts. tom and alyssa came in around eight'ish. which was fantastic. because it's a great crew. i miss when it was me, jo, tom and naomi every monday morning. they were genius. and then sam or someone equally as epic would come in around ten. let me tell you: monday mornings were the shit when we all worked together. it's a little sad how much i miss it.

i didn't sleep well last night at all. not anyone's fault than my own. i was for some reason nervous about working. or maybe i'm anxious about going back to school. i'm non-too-excited about tomorrow. bio, then playwriting, then native lit (which i do look forward to...) and then work. and then wednesday! oy, wednesday. i have a monday schedule. because hofstra hates me. so i have lab in the morning, then history, then english. ughughughughugh.

at least the labs get easier toward the end of the semester. and it's all almost finished up. hallelujah.

right. today. i feel like shenanigans happened at work. i wrote on cardboard (surprise, surprise...) and put it to the back window for tom and jo (it just said 'i love you' in googily letters. sidenote: just tried to spell "googily": googly, googgly, and goggily. none seem to be correct.)

jo was sick. i wonder how she's feeling. (just texted her. will give response upon arrival.)

(not that you care.)

(OH NECESSARY PARENTHETICAL STATEMENTS.)

i'm sure more happened at work. i saw ali... and, uh. batman. and john for a brief moment. and brooks is insisting on call me either scout, scamp or scooter, while rubbing my head. i insist on calling him an unbathed monkey who likes nineteen year-olds. which isn't a lie. so at least one of us is accurate. (hint: it's me.)

tom suggested i read "the passage", which i shall be downloading onto my nookcolor once pete gets me his charger for it.

speaking of peter. he gives me such good music. he gave me aesop rock, who is outstanding. i can't stop listening to him. so good. i know, i know... aleey, listening to lots of rap. what can i say. good is good. and aesop rock is good. beautiful good, really.

oh, last night was sunday. i think there's an army wives episode to watch. and maybe undercover boss. i need to write this paper... ugh. thank god for michael margavitch. he's my new dearest friend. he took some serious notes from the books to write this paper with. so i'm excited. beautiful.

i'm eating delicious buttered popcorn. mmmm. dericious.

how alive? too alive.

so goooood.

mmmm.

not looking forward to class tomorrow. rawr.

all right. i <3 cyndi robuck for having so much fun with me these past few days, i love meghan burke for being the best best friend ever. solely for entertaining the thought of sir-gropes-a-lot. and let's see. mike, i love you, you're amazing for your history help for me.

also. i'm exhausted. harrrrrr.

night.

PS: strudel, you're old.

my head hurts

it's sunday night, i have to get up in five and a half hours to go to work and i still haven't written my paper for history that's due on wednesday. so i'm going to have to work on that tomorrow after work, and tuesday before playwriting (or through it, depending on if i go or not) and then after work at some point too. and i need to finish over the bio lab that i could've been doing all week but waited until the very last minute to do. i think all i have to finish is the graph, though. pretty sure anyway.

my head is really, seriously killing me. i'm exhausted. and i'm nervous about doing the food order. its been literally weeks since i've worked a monday morning. i don't know what i'm going to do, or if i'll be able to keep up. thankfully tom will be there, so that'll be nice. and jo. and alyssa. so it'll be a good monday. fast-paced, i'm sure. and cyndi's coming with me so she can go and buy as many cadbury eggs as possible at stop and shop. most likely on sale.

we re-watched inception again today. i think i'm starting to hate this movie. it's okay, it's well thought out, but the more i watch it, the less i like leonardo dicaprio. i love ellen page and joseph gordon-levitt (because really, he's amazing) and tom hardy (aka baine). but leo and i don't get along. for some reason. there's something offputting about him. ehhh.

easter went well. christos anesti, readers! (you say alithos anesti!)

i need to rework my play. and write that essay. fuck i really wasted all this vacation sleeping. damnit. all right, bed time.

night all.

truth.

how often this man is right is incredibly worrisome.

quote:

the one i meant to put in from yesterday:

doc: and where do you live, simon?

simon: i live in the weak and the wounded.

-aleey

session 9.

it's what i'm going to start today's post about. i watched it on my laptop via netflix earlier this morning, after i'd gone out and gotten myself contacts. david caruso wasn't terrible and the rest of the cast was entertaining. the movie itself wasn't scary; it was more eerie and boggling. in essence, it reminded me of unknown, because it was slow moving, but kept you wondering enough and for such a period of time that you didn't get bored. i liked it. the ending, though somewhat gruesome in the realism of it, was great.

and simon's character, though the voice of which i haven't been able to find the host of, was great.

i wish i could find the last quote he says; i'll add it to either this post or a new one later, once googlechrome stops being a pansy bitch.

anyway, go see session 9. i enjoyed it. and i'm going to be able to sleep tonight, so, well done. well done indeed.

the day was comprised of procrastination, making sponakopeta, ravani and purchasing more fillo and feta cheese. mmm. feta cheese is so delicious. so freaking delicious. and tomorrow's easter, so we started making the food. it'll be great. so much amazing food, i can't wait.

so alex come by today. insert deep breath here.

whenever i hang out with alex, my brain gets complicated. because we always have fun, and he and i are so different and yet mesh so well. it's always a little baffling because i wonder if we would've worked. the song call it off by tegan and sara seems to fit for us.

and maybe i would've been something you'd be good at

maybe you would've been something i'd be good at

but now, we'll never know

i won't be sad but in case i'll go there every day to make myself feel bad

there's a chance that i'll start to wonder if this was the thing to do

because in reality, we probably would never actually work. we are different, and even though we get along, his energy is off the charts, and i like to lay on the bed and watch movies. he likes to work out, i like to eat pizza. and there's that whole him being bukharian. would play into problems for families and such. it'd be interesting, but i'm not exactly sure that everything i feel for him would've lasted.

but let me tell you something. when he and i spend time together, it's incredibly fun. platonic fun, too, which is why i'm more certain that we're better off this way. because he thinks tom cruise can act, that family guy and american dad are comedy gold, that will ferrell is actually funny and although it hasn't been proven i bet he likes rick astley more than the normal person.

yet... so much fun. like the time we went out at two to get kfc and came back with the extra thighs they gave us for having no legs and watched monster house (which, now that i think about it, was sort of our movie.)

oh! right! i also got to watch die hard today. mission accomplished.

my dad and i also glimpsed tombstone for a bit (oh, doc holiday) and checked out the dead pool, which by the way, has a hilariously drug-addicted jim carrey in it. and a pony-tailed liam neeson. (NEESON, dad, not neilson which is adorable to hear.)

all right. i need to take out my contacts and hope i don't look to exhausted tomorrow whenever cyndi decides to call me to pick her up.

will be eating delicious eggs with kelbasa and mmm. chocolate chip pancake leftovers.

too bad we didn't go bowling. i probably woulda whipped his ass.

all right. sleep. loves.

-aleey

long.

that's what today was. incredibly long. and emotionally draining.

the hardest part of going to a funeral is seeing people grieve, especially when it's a funeral for a family member you weren't particularly close to. all i kept thinking about was how i hadn't gotten the chance to go to my uncle larry's funeral and my uncle jimmy's funeral. which i guess is good, i probably would've been an enormous mess, but it still made me regret it. in all fairness, i didn't even know my uncle jimmy had passed away until a few months after, because his wife couldn't find our number.

all i wanted all day was a really big hug, but i didn't want to impose it on anyone. i could still kind of use one. perhaps when i see alex i will get him to give me one, because... i don't know, he owes me? i just really want that hug.

that's all i wanted, all day. that and to hear from... someone. but that wasn't going to happen. so a hug would've been nice. but again, i didn't want to force myself on anyone. especially if i knew i was going to cry. a lot.

goodnight.

-aleey

THE GREAT BINGO EXCURSION.

signs you're aging too quickly

you have at least one cat that you look forward to seeing daily.

you work at bingo halls and enjoy it.

the idea of understanding how to deal with old, cranky people by speaking their language.

you complain about your lower back and knees.

the idea of staying out past eleven is painful.

all right. let's be honest here folks. i need to get out and start living again. i've stopped for far too long. sure, i hang out with a few of my friends. but i need to get out and get living. go out and meet new people. maybe go to a few bars, head to the city with manny every once and awhile and visit those clubs he'd mentioned. have adventures. i need to live like my age, not like i'm fifty.

and man do i live like i'm fifty. here's how my day went:

my alarm went off at seven. didn't actually get moving until eight-forty, when i realized that showering was a beneficial venture for me. i did so, got dressed, and in no time we were headed to jamaica queens. tops bingo hall. me, maria, mama, mickey, nyrae and mary. got there about ten-thirty, set up books and such. tried to hope that more people would show up so we wouldn't get stuck shelling out cash to just a few who didn't spend much in the first place.

quick lesson to all the normal people out there:

books = paper games. the ones people use the dabbing markers on.

boards = the regular wooden boards people play on.

lines = for paper games (referred to as "specials"), whenever the first line (the first straight row of BINGO that comes out), someone wins. always named after the B in the line.

powerball = a number that's put out at the beginning of the game. if you win on a fullcard with that number by yourself, you get the powerball, which is progressive, so each week the amount goes up until someone wins it (it always caps out at 6,000, though.)

king = if you win on a special or a lapboard, by yourself, and your male, the number you win on is your number, and you're the king for the game. every time that number comes out, you get ten bucks.

queen = same, but female.

if there are any more that i need to explain, i'll do it as i go.

so the queen in the morning game was obnoxious. her name's rita. but i saw marsha (who's a sweetheart) and i got a tip. this morning i called the jackpot, which is the biggest game we have. the full-card win is eight hundred dollars. and this woman, beverly, won it on her own, so she gave me thirty bucks. which was so nice. mama nearly got into a fight with this jamaican lady who just kept telling mama to shut up.

let it be known. do not tell mama mickey to shut up. she will probably cut you. i mean, the woman looks like a turtle, and walks like a penguin, but she's amazing and will kick your ass. fantastic woman. and her daughter is rough and tough too (nyrae). so great. where did i leave off now?

mickey is absolutely fucking crazy. i just need to throw that out there. she's this short, fifty-something turkish lady who doesn't know how to dress and only has a passable grasp on the english language. every time she opens her mouth i have to register my brain as awake and hope it can figure out what she's saying; not because of her accent (which by no means is particularly thick) but because of her inability to make logical sense. ever. i mean it, this woman is absolutely crazy. i wish i had a better example. but at the moment, i can't think of any.

blame it on the fact that i'm exhausted, have caffeine in my system from the coffee i probably shouldn't have drank, pepsi and the knowledge that tomorrow i have to get up early to go to my uncle peter's funeral. it's out in yonkers, and i hear emily (his daughter) won't be there. understandably so, from what my mom and dad and aunt have all said, she's been a mess. but when your dad just suddenly dies (well... he had cancer, so) it's not an easy thing to cope with.

heneway.

mary is one of my favorites to work with. we always get along, make shit up as we go, and are constantly picking on each other. toward the end of the day, she grabbed a cigarette and walked out, came back in having forgotten her lighter and this ensued:

mary: man, my brain needs to work.

me: you need to have one for it to work.

mary: -turns, looks shocked-

me: let it sink in while you go smoke your cigarette. you'll get it eventually.

mary: all right weisenheimer.

nyrae didn't get to telling me any stories yet today, which is sad. but she was also exhausted (she works for the UPS, didn't get home til five, slept for like... three maybe four hours, then came to the game.)

and she had work again tonight. she does way too much. love her to death, that woman.

so next up was the quick trip to my uncle's, the long wait for felipe to get to my uncle's as well (they'd gone to the queens zoo, got stuck on the cross island), got home, inhaled some food real quick, left around four thirty to head back to queens, this time maspeth.

it's so much better working at maspeth. there are less problems to be had. well, usually there a less problems to be had.

the working crew for tonight (it wasn't my aunt's game, it was lori's): me, mary, maria, mickey (again... jesus), rachel, sue, annette and freddie.

annette: awesome. she does lines, i love her, she's real quick-witted.

rachel: i wanted to ring her neck tonight. when you're up calling, whenever you do the regular bingo round on a special (the whole just one line thing, five numbers) you have to put the first one into the computer by the number on the paper. she forgot. it screwed up the computers because i haven't done it in months, so i obviously didn't remember. i should've. anyway, it messed up and i had to get the computers fixed. again.

- segue. the computers screwed up at the very beginning. the very beginning. we had the early bird to do, and none of the computers were going through the system. they'd show up on the board, it'd be lit up, but the computers wouldn't register. so i had to sit there, call the ball, put it in its slot, make the next ball visible in the camera, then go over to the computer and click on the number. god forbid i forget one, they'd kill me. people at bingo halls are vicious. - end

freddie i met for the first time tonight. he's a slightly sassy, possibly gay spanish man who has way too much energy. of all the things i remember, standing next to him as he babbled in spanish to cooka about sue's boobs and how he could swim in them (i was behind him laughing my ass off at the idea of it - because sue's boobs are no spring chickens, if you know what i mean) and mary's calling trying not to blubber out the numbers wrong while laughing next to me. that guy could run like nobodies business. he musta ran to every person he called back numbers for, because i'd be maybe a fourth of the way there and he'd already be half done and onto the next person. and he kissed my cheek hello. oh man! when i was calling the blue special, the queen came out and whenever that happens, you have to say "Pay the Queen", so the person running the game knows, and he looks up at me and puts his hand on his hips and says "where's my money?!"

if i could have a steady two-day, one-double-day with the bingo hall, i'd quit barnes and noble.

anything said in this blog is purely opinion, and does not reflect the opinions or thoughts of the barnes and noble corporation.

how lame is that. i have to put that there so i don't get in trouble. guess what, barnes and noble sucks, doesn't pay its employees well and has no idea how to understand the customer half of the time.

so ha.

RIGHT.

so sue is this huge breasted woman who seems a bit more abrasive than others. but whatever. lori ran the game, and i love her, she's awesome. you already heard about mickey (who actually had a shining moment tonight, briefly) and mary, who i love. i don't know, she and i are two peas in a fucked up pod of rejects. it's great. we act like five year olds, make suicide pacts to shoot each other before we have to call again, throw candy at each other. it's great.

i had one lady pull me aside to tell me i had a really nice figure. i just smiled and smiled and smiled, per usual.

chikee was there today. she bought everything from me, again. forgot my name. again. but she's just too much to pass up on. a few of the other people remembered me too, which was nice.

can you tell i'm over-worked and happed up on caffeine? i'm making little to no sense here.

the computers practically crashed tonight. we had to stop the game mid-call, tell everyone to logout, then log back in. this was when mickey had her shining moment; she walked over to me, maria and annette and threw her hands down and got real serious and just said "okay, i have a question. does mary have any idea what the fuck she's doing?"

and we just lost it. it wasn't particularly hilarious, but we all died, we were too tired and mary kept going nuts on the computers. it reminded me of the time me, my mom, maria and diana were playing pay me at the table and my mom asked us how sharon was doing, and without thinking i just said "who cares?" and di and maria laughed so hard. through her chastising i could tell my mom was chuckling.

that was also the time that they all flopped their bra-less boobs onto the table out of amusement. obviously, my lack-there-of was not able to participate in that excursion.

right. computers broke down, we had to stay a whole hour later than usual. people just kept bitchin' and moanin'. per usual. i just wanted to rest and nearly fell asleep on a table. however, i did successfully stay away from the guy with bed bugs. (gross, by the way.)

the myriad of old spanish ladies, the old white ladies, the random eastern europeans, the old men who don't know how to bathe, the blind woman who doesn't know how to bathe and the women who just say psst psst or hey you to get your attention instead of your name which they know, never ceases to amaze me. there's a few laws when it comes to bingo. if you're around my age, you have to be there with a family member who's a regular. to work at a bingo hall you have to own at least one bingo related shirt that is clever and yet incredibly silly. if you work regularly at bingo hall, you have to have your favorites and least favorites. if you don't waddle, have boobs the size of torpedoes, speak spanish fluently, have some kind of accent, look like that creepy guy who keeps people's skins in his basement or a chronic smoker with no where else to spend your social security checks, you're not really allowed to be here without getting glanced at funny.

although... that's not all entirely true. but my head hurts way too much to think about this anymore.

i have uncle peter's funeral tomorrow, shopping with joey to do, a story to write, reading to finish... i've got all my work cut out for me for the next few days. i should try to get some of it done now. hump day is reached. and i haven't really lived yet this vacation. and let's be honest, unless i go out drinking with hobbit and corey tomorrow night like i said i would, i won't be living too much, because i have no time and too much work today.

so much for relaxation, right? so much so much so much for relaxation.

i think i'll leave oz a singing voicemail tomorrow. gray or blue by jaymay, perhaps.

let's be swedish tonight baby.

-aleey

"well what about mister poetry guy?"

what about that guy? how do i find him? he's incredibly cute. i need to think of writing my number on a cute guy's cup prior to them obtaining it... not three or four hours after.

ugh. holy... wow. i hate the song all by myself, because it makes me feel dirty inside. it's such a horrible song, and all i ever hear it as is a parody of life. so whenever i hear it i laugh. especially if people are singing it seriously.

here it goes again. i'm just chatting away at life right now, watching glee. i've had a mashup of songs stuck in my head all day, and here they are:

mood rings by relient k, tik tok by kesha, bad romance by lady gaga, dreaming with a broken heart by john mayer, handlebars by flobots and i'm sure there were a few others. but mostly those. mostly john mayer, actually... which is strange, as i haven't heard it in awhile.

louisa got sick. which sucks. so i had aaron until nine-thirty, then had miss mo come over from music to help me close. and i did an ass load of dishes to get done in time, too. it was craziness spilling all over the place. my pants are still soaked with everything that i attempted to do in a not-so-timely manner. bobby came in to visit while he waited for his girlfriend. and i asked him about this guy, andrew clarke, who i used to know from waldbaums, who works at apple with him. i was right, it was him. and he is just as creepy as i remember. he looks worse for the wear. is it mean of me to say that? maybe maybe not.

where did the random gospel choir come from? this baffles me. they're in freaking... ohio or whatever. this shouldn't be happening here.

heneway.

i miss tomi. and wil. i need to get on that.

uhm. that wasn't meant the way it accidentally sounded... (or did it?)

damnit aleey! get off your blog! go write! it needs to get done! seriously!

i want to be romanced. maybe. someday. before i die. again. (not die again. be romanced again.)

"aretha is my kryptonite."

"wtf is up with purple curtains?!"

and yes, my life is better than yours. mostly because i have a strudel.

night.

-aleey

i think missy's trying to kill a bug.

or a mouse, which we haven't had around lately. but she's definitely going hard at something underneath the couch. it's minutely offputting, to say the last. i am, again, eating bagel bites like it's my job. and i made a playlist (by made, i mean i set music on random and let it happen for twenty songs) and i'm happy with the list it came up with. here goes:

1) crystalised by the xx

2) i heard it through the grapevine by marvin gaye

3) none shall pass by aesop rock

4) be my escape (acoustic) by relient k

5) lupe the gorilla by lupe fiasco

6) make sure u getta shirt!!! by lupe fiasco

7) movies of myself by rufus wainwright

8) lean on me by bill withers

9) you wouldn't like me by tegan and sara

10) apologize (remix) by onerepublic (basically that means it's the version with timbaland)

11) natasha by rufus wainwright

12) blue skies by jaymay

13) won't stop by onerepublic

14) the show goes on by lupe fiasco

15) girls and boys in school by neon trees

16) fidelity by regina spektor

17) who i am hates who i've been (acoustic) by relient k

18) gray or blue by jaymay

19) allah, allah, allah by mewithoutyou

20) sprawl ii (mountains beyond mountains) by arcade fire

pretty nifty, huh? i like it. strudel: if you want a burned copy, let me know. i can make it for you. i think i have a few random cds laying around. also, whenever we hang out next, i'd love to pilfer those lovely iron and wine cds. (:

so today. i felt guilty the first half of the day for sleeping in like i did. i felt worse after i sat there, lazing about, watching burn notice: the fall of sam axe (which i'll report on after this tangent) and not doing anything i was supposed to. again. i'm having a terrible time finding the inspiration that i need. those quotes below? did nothing. i need something. maybe a song. maybe i'll go withmood rings by relient k. humhum. that would be ideal. humhum indeed.

so after being lazy, i showered. got ready for work. and jetted off! thanks to ms. strudel, i now have a phone-adapter for my music for my car, so i jammed out to some random music. and i attribute the massive amount of music i have on my phone to my little brother, as he did put quite a bit. and i have yet more to add once i get around to it... i guess i could do that now. hum. i want to add:

imogen heap, tfk, 38th parallel, chase, some of the random songs i discovered i now have, maybe the swingle singers, tori amos, coldplay, bad company, led zeppelin, elp, fleet foxes, flobots, peter gabriel (mmm).

that's just a few. maybe i'll do that now... i'm just so lazy.

so anyway. went to work, spent some short quality time with joanna, tom and janet before they all split. went in a half hour early because alyssa called out. (hey, i need the money...) and then let's see. went on break and chatted with james. (it's funny: no one ever really realizes that he's only got four fingers on his right hand...) then went into the break room and chatted with the lovely ms. rebecca, who i have way too much in common with. her obsession with jim dale rivals mine with patrick stewart. then i went back to work, lazed about (literally... tomi and i were lazy sumbitches tonight). spoke with eva! who i adore. and her boyfriend/husband, whose name i don't remember... but i love them both. they're both entirely too sweet for their own good. i need to email her. i have her number and email and i wanted to send her some of my poetry (she's probably already sent me some of hers. i need to scrounge some up. nothing too good milling about these days. ever since i got rid of facebook, i've lost a few good ones. but there is that one i have on my other blog...)

so i went on my fifteen. then it occurred to me! i'd forgotten entirely about ryan. i'd promised him i'd spend my fifteen with him! and it simply didn't happen. i got back from my fifteen and apologized profusely. he was endearingly mad at me. made fun of me a bit, though. and rightly so. because i'm quite the nutball. so he very generously visited me on both of his breaks. i made me a pretty sweet drink, though, to make up for it. i made him a white mocha, raspberry, hazelnut, caramel steamer with whipped cream and chocolate and caramel drizzle. he enjoyed it. and i tasted a bit of it and liked it myself. i'm pretty nifty when i want to be.

so he visited for both breaks of his. we chatted. he refused to give me more clues. and then! and then. he threw me under the bus when clare started to badger him. she shrieked "what's this about a hipster?!" and all i could do was laugh and poke him for being mean. she dissipated (just materialized somewhere else, i'm assuming, as i turned and she was gone with her frappuccino drenched in half-cup-full whipped cream). so he and i continued. he shared my crunchy peanut butter cookie, told me less distinctive things about this girl he's seeing (she has all her limbs, hair on her head - many strands, wears clothes, and is definitely female; helpful, really) and shared in my struggle with things all entirely opposite sex related.

so he disappeared, tomi and i kicked it into high gear, probably will get in trouble for what we did too soon but who cares, ali was a doll and put up the chairs for us and helped the booksellers put away the magazines. we swept up, mopped, did our nonsense. john praised us for being helpful in bargain (which is always a warzone at the end of the night) and then we all left. tomi and i had our hand-holding shenanigans. and told me about her, wil and possibly danielle (though there are complications - i'll be nice to not mention them haha) and their slightly possible predicament? well, not predicament, i guess. more like desire. but not desire?

ah, potential threesomes are so intricate.

so here i am. eating bagel bites. like it's my job. half watching eagle eye (which has michelle monaghan, who i adore, and whatshisface. shia labeof or whatever his last name is. i'm too not-caring-about-him-enough to look up his last name). listening to this ludicrous mix. which is lovely, really. and you wouldn't like me by tegan and sara always reminds me of sherlock (the bbc series... which is delicious.) and now i really want to watch it. i if i make any headway tonight on this story, maybe i will.

brief interlude! as i go to check my email!

sent her like, ten poems. give or take. most of them are up on brain-souffle.blogspot.com

anyway.

so, the burn notice: fall of sam axe was pretty entertaining. there was a slight cameo of michael weston, and mention of fi. for a moment. i love lupe fiasco, just saying. back to the movie. it was short, and nicely paced. but it was true sam style. i think it could've been a bit better, but entirely hilarious. he keeps asking for a bear. which is sam to a tee. and he does a lot to help these people, which is another element of sam that's true; throughout the series he has an unnatural caring ability that you wouldn't think you'd find an ex-navy seal. who, also, loves to drink. maybe he's just drunk all the time. either way, he's a fun one, and though it was definitely a made-for-tv movie, i liked it.

i think i'm going to scare the pants off myself and just watch session 9 by myself. but i need to put some work into this story first! i really do! i need to come up with something, otherwise it's going to blow me over. and not in a good way. it needs to get done by saturday and i haven't evenstarted yet. i think i need to get some kind of inspiration. i need an idea of how i want to start it, really. something that can grow from it.

i've started up the story that i've wanted to finish for two and a half years. the one that starts with i'm six feet under and i've started to rot. because i love the way that sounds. egotistical much?

i'm kind of still hungry (but i think that's a lie.)

all in all, today was a good day.i'm a little exhausted and not looking forward to work tomorrow, but meh. i'm working with louisa, so i'm not worried by any means. and it should be fun. maybe what i'll do is try to actually get some stuff done during the day. like i was supposed to. i think tomorrow is supposed to be dedicated to fixing that stupid play i've started on. horrible. really really horrible. utter drivel. needs total reworking. i haven't decided yet what i want to do to it, but i'll get there... eventually.

hopefully. i wish i'd gotten more feedback other than brogger's. i got a few suggestions, mostly the tea/coffee thing that got confusing. but ugh. who the eff cares about that! i need to figure out what the problems are. i spend too much time thinking about arnold's back story and not enough on sophia's. at all. ugh. stupid.

my brain is not going to function at this level. i think i'll put craig ferguson on low in the background, listen to mood rings and blue skies and maybe another two songs on loop and hope they inspire me somehow. growl! gratch lug richarg.

sorry.

for future reference, to anyone who will ever understand this: i call zeddicus z'ul zorander. all the time, every time. get used to it.

love you all. (:

-aleey

ps. SMILEGODDAMNITORIKILLYAHFACE.

aha, aha

i've watched two movies this weekend. the first one was ondine.

i really enjoyed it. i also came to the conclusion that i must have a subconscious affinity for colin farrell movies. i've seen a good chunk of the thirty-five he's been in: ondine, SWAT, the recruit, phonebooth, scrubs (tv show), minority report, daredevil.

etc.

anyway. onto ondine: premise of the movie is that a fisherman (farrell) finds a woman in his fishing net. his daughter swears up and down that the woman, whose name we don't know (she says to call her ondine - which was a woman who showed up on the water or something), is a selke. selke: a seal who comes ashore after its lost its sealcoat. it can only return if it finds its sealcoat; but it can bury it for seven years and stay on the land and often times would fall in love with a landsman. there was mention of something to do with seven tears, but i missed that part for some reason. anyway. the little girl (annie, farrell's daughter) is in a wheel chair, but can walk. she has kidney failure. there's a nice element of supernatural to it, but i love the realism in the end. it shatters it, and yet, keeps it up. i liked it. it wasn't anything to write home about, but it was definitely enjoyable.

also, is saw source code. i have an issue with movies when i already know the outcome. and this movie had its outcome spelled out in commercials, so i don't know what i was expecting entirely. however, much like at the end of the fighter, i wanted it all to happen. i was emotionally invested. i think gyllenhaal did a good job. and i love michelle monaghan. the entire movie i kept picturing her from kiss kiss, bang bang which is a problem, of course. she's hilarious in that movie. but that's neither here nor there. there were little nuances that i enjoyed. him calling his father, the sly under-handed suggestion of creating alternate realities (or of permeating them), and i have to ask hobbit again what he said, but i think he was right about the whole loop of things. i'm happy that it ended the way it did, but if it had gone the other way, i'd be just as happy.

so there making a movie called priest soon. something or other based off an american-style-manga. i saw the preview last night. i'll see it because it has paul bettany, then again, i saw legion because bettany was in it, and look how that turned out...

i forgot i put blindside on here. i just transferred a whole bunch of cds onto my computer. there's quite a bit.

i'm tired and feeling guilty for not sticking to my schedule, set up as of yesterday. but i don't really feel too guilty. i've been looking forward to this vacation for awhile.

i had a strange dream that dane was walking me to playwriting last night. it was weird. very weird. we left a high school poetry reading where i was emcee-ing, (which i did do in high school my senior year, i think) and then we left. it was a bit of a flashback. and one of the girls from my native american lit class was there... and so we walked across in the dark and the rain (because apparently that's what it look liked mid-day). and i got lost in the school's cafeteria, and they made me spit my gum out in the middle of the hallway. i didn't even remember chewing gum. and then i broke into a building... it was weird. quite peculiar.

i'm not teddy bear

this is an interesting song. ha.

i'm going to need to get into the shower soon. and eat something. should definitely eat something.

it's weird, missing someone. even more so when the reason you miss them is fueled by confusion. and the need for clarification. but i'm too scared to ask for it, out of fear of the answer. i figure if they wanted to tell me they would've, right?

all right. going now for a bit.

huzzah!

-aleey

oh snack

you so silly!

aha!

oh, peoples hernandez. ha.

now that i'm convinced

that no one other than the people i know of read this stupid idiotic blog, i'm going to just get everything that's been boiling in my head out, before i rightly explode.

this kid, bryan. yeah, i really like him. he's pretty cool, tall, nice and funny, really intelligent and a great writer. i get inspired when i read his plays, or when i skimmed something else he'd been writing. but that's not just why i like him. i just feel that buzz. that adrenaline, the feeling you get when there's someone by you that makes you want to be more you, as if you show it more clearly on your skin they'll be better attracted to you. as if you let everything out into the air, they'll look at you and breathe you in and feel the same way.

and for a short while, i felt maybe. maybe he liked me back. even just a little bit. but now i don't know. and i don't know if i did something wrong, or said something idiotic, or babbled away too much to the point where his ears started to bleed and he couldn't take anymore of it. maybe i'm just too nerdy for him. or too flaky. 'cause let's been honest, who the hell wants to listen to some girl talk about trees? and the sky? and be so crazy artsy in her soul that she thinks incredibly differently.

no, i'm not saying i'm some kind of freak outcast. i'm not. but there is a part of me that's always trying to get out. i remember this one time i was in the car on my way to school with my mom and my brother, and i'd put in the amici forever cd. amici forever is this great opera band that i'd discovered one early morning at the diner (i was leaning against the tv area, waiting for more diners, and there'd been an infomercial for them). so i put in the cd. and whenever i listen to it my body ripples. i can feel everything moving through me, touching each nerve. so i told my mom and brother how it made me feel. and what happened?

they laughed.

i keep feeling different things, they make me feel differently, and i'm kept in my own box because really? who the hell cares anymore. i don't like sharing these things, these thoughts, because i go off on tangents. so i deflect to normality. or try to, anyway. but it always comes out. that strange nerdiness, that awkward human that i've always been inside shines through and i ruin my chances by being humanly flawed. again.

so i don't know what happened. i know strudel tried to find out, but the phrase i don't think half drunk and through proxy of a friend named after a pastry is the ideal way to have this conversation.

he doesn't need to say anything else.

psychologically speaking, that's his way of saying no, i don't like her. it'd be easier if he'd done that. when you're asked a fairly direct question, the answer can either be yes or no. when you don't directly answering the question, hide it within other things and other words and other thoughts, you're hiding the response that isn't ideal.

just give the response. let it just happen. i'm not heartbroken, so to speak. just confused. again.

it's not the end of the world obviously. i have a life and i live it. but i'm not someone who easily just jumps from person to person. it's a long process of me fighting myself over having feelings. unfortunately, my feelings and not my reasoning won out on this one. and i tried to hard. so i think i'll just stop there and now and eat my sausage mcgriddle (which i don't really like, because who puts syrup on savory foods?) and watch another movie until danie texts or calls me about today (if it's still happening).

which reminds me, i owe alex a day too. damnit. i got to get this week figured out. all right, quick overview of when i need to get stuff done and for what:

monday: read painted drum. think on essay. work four-to-close.

tuesday: start to rework play. if time allows, start essay on painted drum. work four-to-close.

wednesday: double at the bingo halls. won't have much school work time.

thursday: all day i'm off. so, i know i'm helping joey find a present for strudel. also, need to read history and start writing that paper (six-eight pages).

friday: no work again. work on papers, fine-tuning. read don quixote pages 1-150. ish. in between helping make the sponakopeta and ravani. mmm. greek food.

saturday: same as friday.

sunday: easter sunday! lots of eating, and sleeping.

monday: work 7-3, hang around a bit, drop off cyndi's stuff back at bill of rights, and out to denny's for corey's celebratory bacon meal.

tuesday i'm back at school.

i feel exhausted just thinking about this week. right now i'm converting all of my old cds onto the laptop. my brother put 53 random albums onto my phone for me yesterday. i plan on adding more once the transitions here are done. on the list of cd's that i've discovered today hiding in my house are:

newsboys, 38th parallel, skillet, old "stars" cd, incubus, fleet foxes, flobots, tfk, tori amos, josh groban, lily haydn, nbc soundtrack, all the classical music eric gave me, chase (can't wait to listen to chase again...), zeppelin, bad company.

freezing right now. guh. the wind is blowing away. i have so many cds to put on here... guhh.

my arms are covered in goosebumps. guh! all right, off i go. i need to shower at some point. soon, really. i need to get ready. danie doesn't let me leave the house if i don't look haflway decent as human beings go. which is sort of funny when you think of it... she makes me dress girly. strange strange strange.

all right.

off.

-aleey

nicholas cage

went to jail. and got bailed out by dog the bounty hunter.

your argument is now invalid.

http://www.eonline.com/uberblog/b236853_dog_bounty_hunter_bails_nicolas_cage.html

head still hurts

all of those plans i had for today fell through as i turned into a sicky who fell about the couch. i slept for a good two hours or so, ate some food when my uncle came around, read some stuff on my phone and did a lot of nothing.

my head is killing me, my throat is killing me and i just want to curl up in a room where no one else is and lay under covers and just pretend. play make believe. i do that a lot.

i've had something (for lack of better word) ticking in my head lately. i don't know if it's a story or a poem, but i need to start writing it soon. i need to finish the she the spool poem soon. it's waiting for me. i think i have it sitting in my bag somewhere... i should look for my bag. and take my birth control. frak. didn't do that today. frak.

strudel and i went through a "hey, what did we used to listen to as a kid" song phase last night.

let's see what i remember: "bitch" by meredith brooks, "larger than life" backstreet boys, "sk8ter boi" by avril lavigne, "wannabe we" by spice girls, "scars" by papa roach, and so many others. i just can't remember.

i want to rewatch "the science of sleep" again. i haven't seen it in years. i wonder if it's on netflix. or somewhere. hum. movies i want to watch over the break:

science of sleep

braveheart?

dancing at lughnasa

let the right one in

con air

rescue dawn

equilibrium

diehard movies (all of them?)

saved

pokemon: the movie (maybe, but without james where's the fun)

return to me

all shook up (really, just for the carrot scene...)

ip man? (i'm sure my dad will watch it with me)

godfather 1-2 (i'm sure i can recruit joe)

star wars 1-3 (probably gonna do that one tonight when people go to sleep)

star trek: first contact

bladerunner

the 11th kingdom (yeah, right.)
lord of the rings (more wishful thinking)

all right. for not that's good. i really want to watch science of sleep though. so i'll make sure that one and star wars definitely happens. don't ask me why. but when i'm in the mood to watch something... i watch star wars. it's a little unhealthy.

"i'm off to the fair!"

which always makes me think of charlotte's web. weird.

hurrah.

thunder and lightning and rain and i sort of want to dance in the rain, but i'm already kind of sick. i don't need to add rain and cold weather to that mix.

-aleey

my brain hurts.

just got back from strudel's. i'm sitting here, on the couch, remembering how hard it is to have privacy in my house again. it's a little scary. felipe and david (felipe's friend) are sitting at the table playing with a calculator. really? a calculator?

my mom, aunt and dad are all cooking. it's cooking day - the diet they're on requires specific meals prepared a specific way in this cookbook they have. so my mom goes out, buys the extra stuff that they need, plans out five days worth of meals, and then makes them all into portions and puts them into the fridge with the number of the meal (five meals a day) and the day of the week (usually labeled 1-5, considering she doesn't make all seven days worth of meals, she'd never sleep). some of the stuff she makes is delicious. like that really good turkey chili that i loved. she's slowly converting everyone in our house.

since they make extra meals and extra food with each recipe, she has a few extra things with a label "f" on them, which means they're free. mmm. one night i had turkey meatloaf and mashed potatoes with green beans. mmm. it was delicious. and man... i can't stop thinking about how good that chili was.

i've been so exhausted. i'm so excited it's spring break. my friend sam took my shift for today (yes!) so i got to relax and have my first real day of spring vacation. i'm just gonna sit here for a bit, maybe take a nice long bath and re-read the stranger later. i've had this strange desire to re-read it and figure out whether or not i agree with his epiphany at the end or not. i remember in high school i thought he was full of it. but i want to try again. i only remember the beginning, with his mother, him napping, him meeting the woman, him killing the guy and his epiphany. i'm sure there's more somewhere in between everything too.

i'm trying to remember all the songs that i put on this one cd that's in my car. let's see:

1: jungle drum

2: i'm still here

...great. i can't remember. i'll go get it out in a few.

there was a huge telephone pole tilted over hanging on the wires on hempstead turnpike. i always enjoy stuff like that. mostly because as it dangles, i can imagine all of the things that caused it, what could happen in fixing it, what people are thinking when they look at it...

i realized i never fully developed. i'm still too much of a kid. i can pretend to be a grown up, but who wants to? i hate it. talking like one, acting like one. i'd rather not. i'd rather go out in the rain for a long walk with headphones thinking about how good it smells and how funny the way people are scared of rain are.

i remember the "tornado" that hit e-rock when i was a kid. we went for a stroll after it had all settled down and there were trees uprooted, vin's lawn was covered in the tree, chris v's back yard was mutilated with tree remnants. i remember this huge weeping willow tree toppled over in one of the parks around from amanda's house. as a kid, i loved that tree. it broke my heart to see it sitting there.

if you look of the exit for freeport, there's a huge tree still on its side by the road. but it isn't any kind of an obstruction, so it doesn't matter.

i'm incredibly comfortable right now. i don't know why. i think it's all strudel's fault. she always manages to make me laugh. i can't remember what we were talking about in the car, but it was hilarious.

i need to go do some writing for a bit, put in a good effort. need to find inspiration. going to peruse some quotes. hmm. i'll pick a few, put them here V---- and then pick one.

"he felt that his whole life was some kind of dream and he sometimes wondered whose it was and whether they were enjoying it." - douglas adams

"the aim of life is self-development. to realize one's nature perfectly - that is what each of us is here for." - oscar wilde

"the most wasted of all days is one without laughter." - e.e cummings

"an opinion should be the result of thought, not a substitute for it." jef mallett

"imagination is the one weapon in the war against reality." - jules de gaultier

"a man thinks that by mouthing hard words he understands hard things." - herman melville

"maps encourage boldness. they're like cryptic love letters. they make anything seem possible." - mark jenkins

oh dear:

batty: are you sure?

zack: i'm positive.

batty: only fools are positive.

zack: are you sure?

batty: i'm positive. -pause- oh!

i love ferngully.

i forgot, as i was driving back home, that i was going to write down all of the idiotic things i know for no reason. such as:

mr. rogers had his car stolen once (while he was still alive, obviously). they thieves found out it was his and returned it the next day with a note on it that said "sorry, we didn't know it was yours." legend goes that it even came back cleaned up and beautiful looking.

i can hypnotize a chicken. in case i want to start a chicken army.

after eighty different studies, not in a single one did an ostrich stick its head into the ground.

more common knowledge: you can't eat a tablespoon of cinnamon.

you only ever remember the last few dreams you have. you're technically dreaming all night. that's if you remember them at all.

i'm tired. i can't remember what else i was going to put here.

how mundane! monotonous! insanity - oh dear!

oh, helen! goddess, nymph, perfect, divine!

that's the only shakespeare quote i really enjoy. frak. all right.

<3

-aleey

remember. you'll smile soon.